And now, for a little midday silliness courtesy of Whit Hiler, a creative at Lexington, KY-based Cornett Integrated Marketing Solutions who’s perhaps better known as one of the parties involved with the ongoing grassroots tourism campaign, “Kentucky Kicks Ass.” Hiler, who’s also been prone to shock and amuse on Reddit in recent months with his array of fliers, has now reteamed with his Cornett IMS crew to launch the patent-pending “Beardvertising,” which he dubs “the real native advertising.”

To be honest, we’re surprised we haven’t seen something this ridiculous before, though ad folks have ventured into “beard-selling” in the past. Anyhow, inspired by stats saying that 55 percent of males worldwide now have facial hair, Hiler and company are now seeking out men with beards that want to make money hosting, yes, “BeardBoards,” patent-pending miniature billboards that clip onto a beard. As you can see, this pretty much only applies to those in the ZZ Top/Williamsburg realm of beard growth, so it looks like we’re out the running (and from the looks of it, thank heavens). Along with brave participants, Cornett IMS is also looking for partners to advertise on BeardBoards (and we’ll be damned, they already have two). We’re just wondering why they didn’t think of this ahead of winter.

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The veteran electronic music twosome from Scotland has been getting very Easter-eggy with the recent publicity for their upcoming album, which may be titled Cosecha. There are sequences of numbers and vague video clips that may have been shot on the Zapruder family camera, and the latest clip above premiered last night on Cartoon Network. But what does it all mean exactly? I’m not sure, but it may have to do with Thomas Pynchon and subliminal messaging.

There is no scheduled date for the album release, and some people aren’t even sure there will be an album. But there is a very, very hazy viral campaign for Boards of Canada that is getting fans hot and bothered and has provoked bloggers to plunge down the rabbit hole and delve into its meaning. So, let’s just assume there will be more puzzle pieces and snippets of new music in the near future.

Update: Well, mystery solved as Pitchfork reveals that there is indeed a new BoC album and it’s called Tomorrow’s Harvest.

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It’s that time again to dust off the ol’ blind item category. While the overall tone of this note gives one the sense that someone’s trying to light a fire,  you can pretty much tell that the author is on their way out the door one way or another. Anyhow, this alleged note sent by a frustrated staffer to his/her CMO at a rather well-known national retail chain mentions a couple of names that we’ve redacted, but you get the gist that whoever typed this up intended to go out guns blazing. Read on and feel free to weigh in if you’d like.

“What are you doing? No, really, what are you doing? Do you enjoy having a department that scratches their head at your every move…a department that’s mystified that you decided to retain [redacted] and [redacted], the 2 most life sucking innovation-lacking, uninspiring, micro-managing sociopaths, but eliminating [redacted], after two other well liked and respected Sr. Leaders leave? Is this what your consulting background has taught you? If so, it’s a waste of an education.

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A friend sent us this and yes, we’re checking to see which agency was behind this clip (maybe Draftfcb’s doing?), but it is on the official Kmart YouTube page and the entrendres are abound in this new clip that promotes the shipping services of the retail chain. From what we’ve seen, Kmart will ship the bed, your pants and more. The retail chain, as you may know, is currently reviewing its creative business (down to a few now) and if this doesn’t sell it for DFCB (which may or not be involved in the spot), we don’t know what will. Stay tuned if we find out more.

Update: Yep, it’s Draftfcb Chicago.

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And the ad industry Tumblrs continue to delight. One anonymous art director has combined some of the worst rap lyrics of all time with artistic photographs to create Rap Poems. Quoting Cam’ron, Chingy, and DMX can be fodder for great unintentional comedy, especially when their lyrics are presented as if belonging to a Robert Frost poem. As a student of the rap game, I was easily seduced into scrolling through page after page (the DMX graphic below is my favorite.) Enough talking, though, check out the site yourself. I’ll leave you with a final haiku:

Rappers tumble down

Lyrics and photographs shine

The Internet wins

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What the beep? is right. Venables Bell & Partners is teaming with gasoline company 76 to stop honkaholism, a vicious nonexistent affliction that doesn’t actually affect many people. If you happen to live in New York City, you may hear the occasional overzealous honker, but building an ad campaign around the concept of overhonking seems overzealous in and of itself. Not to mention the humor rooted in the idea of a gasoline company trying to stop noise pollution, which is like a drug dealer trying to encourage people to take Tylenol.

The campaign comes fully stocked with website, billboards, the above 30-second spot, and even a touring “Stop Honkaholism Bus.” If you’re compelled to dig deeper, you can receive a free Honk Suppressor for your dashboard, which means instead of hitting your car horn, you pound a fist into the suppressor instead. Kind of like a Nicotine patch for your vehicle. It is free, so VB&P and 76 should get points for that. Credits after the jump.

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Gather round, dear AgencySpy readers. It’s time to hear the tale of Easter and Passion Week.

After a triumphant entrance into Jerusalem during what the church refers to as “Palm Sunday,” Jesus and his disciples sought a place to celebrate the Passover in the Holy City.

On Thursday night, Jesus and his posse took part in what would be referred to as “The Last Supper.” Jesus, having a good deal of insight into the human condition and also being an omniscient deity, predicted that one of his disciples, Walter White, would betray him. You see, Mr. White was all about getting money, and it didn’t matter to him who he would have to wrong to get more of it. It’s speculated that Walter had a form of lung cancer or something.

After Jesus gave Mr. White a chance to come clean, he took a few of his disciples to a garden, where he prayed to God so hard that it’s said that he sweat blood. Here, Mr. White gave up Jesus to the Roman soldiers, who, after a few hours of trial at the hands of Jewish and Roman leaders, was sentenced to be crucified on the charge that he was undermining Caesar’s regime.

While dying of what is speculated to be eventual suffocation, Jesus was reminded by a Roman soldier stationed at Golgatha by the name of Don Draper that “the world is indifferent.” Don, fancying himself a clever wordsmith, is actually said to be responsible for coining the tongue-in-cheek expression “Good Friday” for this occasion. While there was nothing all that “good” about it, Draper delighted in the irony of the phrase and also thought it would be a great way to sell t-shirts.

Three days after his death, Jesus rose from the dead. While presenting his risen form to friend Mary Magdalene, he was approached by two swarthy men with crossbows. The above clip from former BBDO CD Scott Kaplan depicts what happened next. Credits after the jump.

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Creative multimedia resumes have been popping up all over the internet this year, including this Parisian who turned his resume into an Amazon product page as we all criticized ourselves for not thinking of it first. Selling yourself is never easy–except for those who work in the Red Light District; they’ve really simplified that process to perfection–but for the rest of us, we have to worry about including too much personal information, emphasizing the right amount of work experience, using an agreeable font. Eventually, you just come to the conclusion that there’s no such thing as an agreeable font and that almost all resumes are banal pieces of paper that carry too much meaning.

Tom Costello, account exec for Microsoft, has decided to make his own video resume that shows off his good-humored personality. We’ll let you decide whether the humor is good or bad. Costello does make fun of those annoying Microsoft tablet commercials, so we’ll give him that. The strange part is, he never really talks about specific experience or metrics of success. He throws a football into a box and pounds the pavement with a Wiffle ball bat.

Costello’s Linkedin page implies that he’s currently employed. Maybe he’s blindly reaching out to other brands? If not, who exactly is this guy pitching to if he already works for Microsoft? And for this post, let’s try to have commenters=nice.

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Hayes latest project, World’s Fastest Agency, serves as a pleasant reminder to all marketers that, yes, you can make any unsubstantiated claim you want, so long as no one else has made the claim before you. Hayes’ business model works thusly:

1. Send him $999 via PayPal.
2. Direct message your short creative brief to @fastestagency on Twitter
3. Receive a creative pitch within 24 hours via Twitter direct message
4. Consider whether or not steps 1-3 were a wise use of your time and money

On the website for his new agency, which he also proclaims to be “the world’s first 100% Twitter based ad agency,”  Hayes has already a glowing review from Neil Davies (pitch judge and former partner at Naked Communications) who says, “Very fast, very good.” I mean, what else do you need to know?

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According to those in the know, Fry’s test did not in turn eliminate staff–though we’re hearing otherwise. The questionnaire we received, which contained a handful of inquiries, via tipsters was apparently inaccurate, save for those regarding how one would redesign an ad for a certain client among other things. Sources familiar with the matter would not elaborate on which client it was as it’s being protected for time being. We were told initially that approximately 10 creatives were let go as a result of the test, but CP+B sent us this statement:

“We are constantly assessing that the right people are working on the right things and this series of questions was one way to do that. No one was terminated or will be terminated due to their answers and that was never the intention of these exercises.”

We have some names, but will spare the innocent and not reveal those who were allegedly let go.

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What about the trucker who just had to sit there while a waitress poured fake coffee into an overflowing mug? Or the egg on top of a diner table? The guy swimming with sharks? The wind-up brain toy? The geeky guy playing with a giant ball of yarn? Aloe vera tissues? Yes, all of these things are in the same “Retrain Your Brain” Virgin Mobile commercial, created by Mother NY. The spot is certainly unique, but that doesn’t mean it will get customers to switch from other carriers to Virgin Mobile.

“Retrain Your Brain” was birthed out of focus group findings that suggested customers wouldn’t switch mobile companies even if they were specifically told how much money they could save. So, Mother and Virgin Mobile decided to go with Brazilian triplets, Colonel Meow, and The Flaming Lips frontman Wayne Coyne.

Could it be that most customers just aren’t suited for short-term pay-as-you-go phone plans? (Shh, don’t tell Virgin Mobile). Regardless, the spot looks like a surrealist drug sequence from a bad student film. If you’re going to include Brazilian triplets, you might as well use them. Credits after the jump.

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Self-proclaimed “ideas man” Floyd Hayes has been blowing up our spot as of late, and seeing as he’s already sat in a bar sipping Guinness, being sad-face for a self-promo, we wouldn’t put it past him to mock our own Mediabistro show, Cubes (you might remember our past trips to agencies such as Grey). Can’t say we’ve ever heard of a “rug of ideation” before, but then again, the former creative director at NYC/London-based guerilla marketing firm Cunning apparently isn’t averse to being cheeky in the name of self-promotion.

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Yes, folks, the muscle-bound, self-proclaimed “Alpha Dog” and proprietor of Omnicom-owned, Fort Lauderdale-based agency Zimmerman continues his apparent quest to reach Fox News-level punditry by offering his own response to President Obama‘s state of the union address (and without a Poland Spring water bottle in sight, no less). With printed talking points in front of him, Zimmerman, who last discussed “parking his assets” in the wake of Obama’s reelection, now preaches about the deficit, unemployment and more. To sum it all up if you can’t make it through the seven-minute sermon, Obama doesn’t “give a damn about the Constitution” according to Zimmerman. Happy Friday!

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As Emma Carmichael at Deadspin told us yesterday, the internet is doing it all wrong when it comes to the “Harlem Shake,” which actually originated over 30 years ago but has now been transmogrified (and pretty much diluted) into an unstoppable meme. The Deadspin scolding, though, hasn’t stopped the agency world (and world at large) from producing their own interpretations of the “shake,” and the latest to follow suit is Rokkan, which purposely waited until Valentine’s Day to release their entry. See above.

Of course, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention the submissions from Wieden+Kennedy, which hit the internet with Shake showings from both its Portland and New York offices. The one from Portland HQ (below) was actually posted less than a week ago but has already racked up nearly three-million views. If you haven’t totally tuned out yet, tune in after the jump to the W+K NY edition, which seems like a rather fitting entry to the Harlem hullabaloo. As mentioned, we will now do our best to cease coverage of this meme moving forward. Amen.

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We’ve been hearing about this since the weekend, and now a tipster has sent us a screen grab of an all-staff email that certainly appears to have been delivered by a certain higher-up at a certain Canadian agency. Apologies for the small image size, but we had to do a little trimming in order to protect the innocent and/or possibly drunk involved in this note, which came with the subject line, “It’s 3:37 am in Sweden.” We”ll leave it you to squint and play Columbo to figure this one out.

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