Faceless intern ryan’s last article on Wheaties rebranding towards men was such a hit, we let him write another one. Dude’s an econ major from Long Island who’s interning at a half-rate blog — his future is bleak — so we’ve decided to kick him while he’s down with sarcasticy (not a word) editor’s notes. Sucker.
Starting this season, the NBA is allowing teams to sell ads on their practice jerseys. NBA deputy commissioner, Adam Silver, added that the league is exploring the idea of allowing ads on game jerseys. He noted, “(The sponsored game jersey) is a well-established practice in other countries. Ultimately, I think our fans will come to accept it.” (boredom in 57 words or less: check)
And he’s right; it’s not like fans have revolted against over advertising in the past. Take the college football bowl games for example: The Capital One Bowl, and the FedEx Orange Bowl. These names are ridiculous, but accepted nonetheless (are you still talking?). If a baseball announcer said, “This AT&T call to the bullpen is brought to you by Verizon Wireless,” I don’t think viewers would even think twice about it.
So of course this begs the question, what would be the most preposterous, inappropriate, and entertaining brands to see represented by your favorite teams? (this blog is no place for big, fancy words like preposterous. you’re fired)
Any MLB Team: brought to you by Balco Pharmaceuticals, with a little syringe and Balco logo above the team name. Ok I’m sorry, that’s redundant…they already are. (ha ha, a juicing joke. this is me not laughing )
NFL, Atlanta Falcons: brought to you by Science Diet Dog Food, precisely balanced nutrition to meet the special needs of your special, nonviolent pup. (fuck you ryan)
NFL, Detroit Lions: brought to you by Wheaties, Gatorade, and anything else geared towards helping athletes. Get it? (you disgust me)
Golf, John Daly: brought to you by the Four Horsemen, Jim Beam, Jack Daniel’s, Johnnie Walker, and Jose Cuervo. (alcoholism is a disease ryan, like being a tall white kid from long Island)
NBA, LA Lakers: brought to you by Women on Guard, women’s self defense products such as pepper spray, tasers, and stun guns. Or as Kobe calls them, “mandatory obstacles”. (from alcy-bashing to homocide, you’re a sick bastard)
NBA, Phoenix Suns: brought to you by Copper Tone Sun Screen. It is ludicrous because sunscreen is the Sun’s mortal enemy! I’m sorry that was corny. (ugh)
NFL, NBA, Cleveland Browns, Pittsburg Steelers, Chicago Bulls: brought to you by Harley Davidson. Every player gets a free bike! Except of course, Kellen Winslow Jr., Ben Roethlisberger, and Jay Williams… I think they’ve all learned their lesson. (harsh, Jay Williams’ career = overs)
NFL, NY Giants: brought to you by Colt Firearms and Impact Guns. Keeping players safe in the club since November of 2008. (no comment)
NFL, New England Patriots: brought to you by Kodak. Because Tom Brady should have his picture taken early and often. There is no joke here; I just think Brady is dreamy. (he does, his cube is littered with shirtless Tom pics…dark, “ryan was hiding in the bushes for 8 hours,” Polaroids)
Any NBA Team: brought to you by Sallie Mae, providing student loans. Achieve your educational dreams. (oh, double entendre! nice)
On a significantly less important note, the WNBA has already made the leap to selling out their team names and replacing them with marginally recognizable labels like LifeLock, which advertises with the Phoenix Mercury. (I would have gone with a “boxing out perpetrators” gag here, but I heard the LifeLock guy got hacked and the joke kind of writes itself)