Ah, office sex. It’s one of the most exciting kinds of fornication, and as advertisers you have more of ‘it’ than just about any other profession (not including porn, modeling and theater actors). We put together a short list of the best places in the office to have sex. So, if you do that, read on (and keep in mind that as spies, we’re masters of stealth).
5. The Boss’s Desk is a good spot, but sorta cliche. Sure it’s exciting, but instead, why not take advantage of his/her huge window overlooking lower Manhattan? We say, press your lover’s cheeks against the glass and have at it. For extra points, try and get sweaty enough to leave perfect ass-prints on the window (thong-mark optional). Good luck getting that off, night cleaning crew!
4. Nothing says, “you’re a great fuck-buddy” like a nice romp in the broom closet. But it’s dusty in there, and Jim the custodian was pretty steamed when you left your intern’s bra dangling like Mistletoe above his cleaning supplies. So, class-it-up a notch by she-bangin’ in the middle of the office (best done when no one is around), on the floor. That way, every time you walk there, you’ll remember the four blissful seconds of hot romance that made September 23rd, 2007 a day to remember.
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3. We all hate someone we work with — it’s just a fact of work-life. So, why not let bygones by whatever the hell bygones are and have some sex on that person’s car? It’s doubly hot because of the “in-public” and “spiting a hated colleague” aspects, without all the risk of getting busted in the office. Double points if you can steal said coworker’s keys and do it inside the vehicle. And who knows, it may be cathartic!
2. Sometimes, removing clothing is such a chore! To cut down on wasted time, stick to boinking colleagues who wear easy-access clothing.
You like guys: look for guys with sweat pants, basketball shorts, or zipper-fly pants (not only are they easy to get into, but odds are that if he’s wearing sweats to work, no one else is banging him). Don’t bother with button fly or hippie-like string tied pants guys; that’s for chumps and squares.
You like ladies: seek out skirts, dresses, union suits and already naked women (though we haven’t seen a woman wear one of those, ever. Still, just in case, keep your eyes peeled.) When your mate has been chosen, just sidle up to him/her and pretend to have a conversation (but really, use those easy entry points and do each other!). It’ll surely be stimulating! I’m here all week.
1. The conference room is by far the best place to get it on. Here’s what you do. Reserve it over the lunch hour, as well as the hours preceding and following lunch (use phony names for the pre and post lunch reservations — there’s no reason to do that other than it will prevent others from walking in there while you and your colleague are “working”). For an extra dash of spite, use your nemesis’ name for the actual lunch hour. When everyone is out to lunch, gitterdone.