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Wake Up With a Panic Attack, Courtesy of Fig’s ALARMclock

Appealing to morbid philosophy students and paranoid individuals everywhere, the folks (and one dog) over at New York digital shop Fig (which counts agency vet Al Kelly among those in its leadership team) are creating an alarm clock that wakes you up by telling you how long you have to live (with a projected life expectancy “based on age, health, lifestyle, diet, family history and other factors”), how much money you have, and how popular you are online. No need to wait to get out your smartphone or laptop to experience crippling anxiety about your health or social and  financial well-being, Fig’s ALARMclock will wake you up with a panic attack!

ALARMclock is currently seeking funding on Kickstarter. In Fig’s words ALARMclock will help you to “Jump start your ambition. Reconnect with powerful motivating forces such as financial instability, social insecurity and fear of death.” If you’re the kind of person inclined to desire such a soul-crushing device, you can donate to make ALARMclock a reality. The project is currently at $2,121 of its $7,000 fundraising goal, which it must reach by November 26th. It wakes up every morning aware of its current Kickstarter status (I imagine) and impending death, should its fundraising goal not be met.

The ALARMclock doesn’t just wake you up every morning with a rundown of why you’re inadequate and a reminder of your impending mortality, though. It may work so well at waking you up in a state of dread that you never get to sleep in the first place. There’s nothing like completely eliminating sleep from your life to jump start your ambition and boost productivity.

ALARMclock: waking you up with all the pressures of modern day existence. You may never sleep again!

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