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Topic: Does you significant other support you?
| Author | Message |
| deadline | Posted – 8/1/2006 8:53:02 PM | show profile My boyfriend of more than two years hates that I am a journalist. He is constantly complaining about the long hours I work and the small salary I take home. Financially, we don?t really need my income, and I am paid a decent amount given that I am a reporter. But still we fight a lot about my job. I am just wondering if anyone out there has been through anything similar. Is it possible to love someone who hates that you are a journalist? |
| writesonwater | Posted – 8/1/2006 9:28:43 PM | show profile | email poster Unfortunately, it is possible! There are many examples in the world of married folk of people who despise some aspect of their spouse's livelihood, for example. Often it's jealousy, I think. Your boyfriend may not hate that you;re a journalist, but rather that you slave away for pennies. He probably thinks it's colossally unfair, and that you wouldn't do it in other fields. It may look like a waste of a degree, compared to some job where, if you pour your heart into it, you're WELL reimbursed. As a writer working from home, I have a flexible schedule so I can take care of things like waiting for the cable guy or making business calls for the family, etc. However, it bugs my spouse that I don't get housework done during the day. If I had a traditional leave-for-work job, like he does, it probably wouldn't be an issue. When I worked for someone else, he was critical of how much effort I put into working for them when it wasn't properly reimbursed or appreciated. Mind you, he was right. My busy-ness (and business!) during the day at home also bugs my kid who's home for the summer, because I'm here so I should be as available as if I didn't have a job. When I worked in newspaper, I had a significant other who was jealous of the time I spent on deadline. Now, that said, if the real deal is just that he's trying to be a controlling ass and he'd rather you stayed barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, that's different. I would be leery of anyone who resented a woman's desire to work outside the home or to have a vocation. The movie Sleeping with the Enemy comes to mind here. |
| making cents | Posted – 8/2/2006 9:32:25 AM | show profile ditto. overthehillwriter and I seem to live very similar lives....=) |
| writesonwater | Posted – 8/2/2006 10:05:10 AM | show profile | email poster ;) Them's the breaks, Making Cents ... |
| miamiami | Posted – 8/2/2006 10:46:07 AM | show profile I have a similar situation. I am not a writer but in advertising. My husband sees how much time I work and network and is less then thrilled. I am well paid for what I do and actually make more then him. I feel it is the time that I put into my career that he does not like. I think you need to explain that you are in a career that you love and being a journalist is who you are. He has to learn to accept it. |
| janbrady1 | Posted – 8/2/2006 3:04:09 PM | show profile My significant other also does not understand why I slave and stress so much about my editing job, why I get so anxious about work and stay so late at the office. I do make more than he does, so I do point out that I'm compensated for all that stress and anxiety (and that care for my work has likely contributed to my success). And I do love what I do. I don't think he loves anything enough that requires that much of a sacrifice (except maybe me!). |
| grammarqueen | Posted – 8/2/2006 4:56:30 PM | show profile I hear ya... We must be married to the same guy, OTH! My husband definitely thinks that now that I work at home, I have all this time to be doing laundry and keeping the house tidy. And we had a lot of arguments right before I went freelance about how much I'd earn, as I was bringing home a tidier sum than he was. (Now he's just worried that I say yes to too many projects!) Fortunately, though, at least he gets the journo thing, since he's one himself. The thing he doesn't understand is the grayer ethical boundaries that come with work at some magazines, as opposed to the more clear cut boundaries at his news gig. (Goodie bags and press trips seem a bit shady to him.) -GQ |
| grammarqueen | Posted – 8/2/2006 4:57:38 PM | show profile I hear ya... We must be married to the same guy, OTH! My husband definitely thinks that now that I work at home, I have all this time to be doing laundry and keeping the house tidy. And we had a lot of arguments right before I went freelance about how much I'd earn, as I was bringing home a tidier sum than he was. (Now he's just worried that I say yes to too many projects!) Fortunately, though, at least he gets the journo thing, since he's one himself. The thing he doesn't understand is the grayer ethical boundaries that come with work at some magazines, as opposed to the more clear cut boundaries at his news gig. (Goodie bags and press trips seem a bit shady to him.) -GQ |
| grammarqueen | Posted – 8/2/2006 4:57:59 PM | show profile I hear ya... We must be married to the same guy, OTH! My husband definitely thinks that now that I work at home, I have all this time to be doing laundry and keeping the house tidy. And we had a lot of arguments right before I went freelance about how much I'd earn, as I was bringing home a tidier sum than he was. (Now he's just worried that I say yes to too many projects!) Fortunately, though, at least he gets the journo thing, since he's one himself. The thing he doesn't understand is the grayer ethical boundaries that come with work at some magazines, as opposed to the more clear cut boundaries at his news gig. (Goodie bags and press trips seem a bit shady to him.) -GQ |
| grammarqueen | Posted – 8/2/2006 4:58:19 PM | show profile I hear ya... We must be married to the same guy, OTH! My husband definitely thinks that now that I work at home, I have all this time to be doing laundry and keeping the house tidy. And we had a lot of arguments right before I went freelance about how much I'd earn, as I was bringing home a tidier sum than he was. (Now he's just worried that I say yes to too many projects!) Fortunately, though, at least he gets the journo thing, since he's one himself. The thing he doesn't understand is the grayer ethical boundaries that come with work at some magazines, as opposed to the more clear cut boundaries at his news gig. (Goodie bags and press trips seem a bit shady to him.) -GQ |
| grammarqueen | Posted – 8/2/2006 4:59:54 PM | show profile I hear ya... We must be married to the same guy, OTH! My husband definitely thinks that now that I work at home, I have all this time to be doing laundry and keeping the house tidy. And we had a lot of arguments right before I went freelance about how much I'd earn, as I was bringing home a tidier sum than he was. (Now he's just worried that I say yes to too many projects!) Fortunately, though, at least he gets the journo thing, since he's one himself. The thing he doesn't understand is the grayer ethical boundaries that come with work at some magazines, as opposed to the more clear cut boundaries at his news gig. (Goodie bags and press trips seem a bit shady to him.) -GQ |
| Lotus665 | Posted – 8/2/2006 6:46:02 PM | show profile Me too... How hard I work for how little I make is a constant bone of contention with my husband, who has a super secure, well paying job. I think for many people, the freelance life and the hours vs. pay of journalism and publishing are completely alien...and if they're someone with anal tendencies it irks them so much the more. I adore my spouse but sometimes I want to scream, you knew who I was and what my life and finances were when you married me!! Fortunately, I've started to get better paying writing/editing work lately anyway so he is starting to mellow out. |
| ISR | Posted – 8/2/2006 8:26:06 PM | show profile i'm lucky---my spouse supports me (i quit my job and started freelancing after i had a baby 2.5 yrs ago), and he never complains. still, w/a kid at home i have to limit my hrs to 9-5, and a little extra here and there. I"M the one constantly agitated because i'm slaving away and making very little, not getting enough work, etc. but my husband's great about it, and doesn't expect me to clean! |
| MuseInk | Posted – 8/3/2006 12:36:55 PM | show profile I need to get me one of those spouses! Aw heck, any kind with paycheque slighly larger than mine will do. (Note to self: bump up item on to do list.) In a past life, I was the one with the steady job (high tech entertainment) and larger income. The spouse/bf was in radio. My feeling was I'd sooner he be happy and not making a lot of dough because he'd be harder to live with miserable and bitching about his job. Didn't work out in the end (thankfully), but I stick with the idea that if you're both happy with what you spend 40+ hours a week doing, and you can live on your pooled resources, then you have one up on many others. Culture is a tough business for something so damn "sexy" and "glamorous." :) |
| deadline | Posted – 8/10/2006 7:38:24 PM | show profile Thanks guys. It is nice to hear others face these types of challenges in relationships. However, my situation may be a bit more severe. He told me my job is ?ruining us.? And he doesn?t much like my even more ambitious plans for the future. It?s kind of a hard thing and I am pretty broken up about it. It just sucks, ya know? |
| miss_rachelh | Posted – 8/10/2006 8:23:25 PM | show profile You know, when I think about it I can totally understand why someone would hate it that their partner was a journalist. In my case, at least, it's probably the root of all the reasons I'd be a pain in the ass for a lot of people to go out with: as an ambitious freelancer, I work long, irregular hours and have little differentiation between work time and free time. This suits me, as it means I can get up at 10am and go to a movie if I want to, but it also means I'm perfectly happy to come home at 10pm on a Friday night and work on stories for an hour or three. And while my friendships and romantic relationships are a priority in my life (I'm not a crazy workaholic, just a workaholic), they're a priority I balance with my creative and work drives, not something I go to work solely to earn the money to maintain outside work. Of course, such qualities aren't exclusive to (or even all that common among) journalists. My ex knew a guy who broke up with his girlfriend because she made him choose between the aid organisation he'd set up, and her. Similarly, my ex's and my relationship was put more under pressure by his work than by mine. So in practical terms, and as it applies to your situation, I guess firstly it depends on how you feel about your job. If you're really passionate about journalism and it's a part of who you are, your boyfriend needs to understand that. Maybe the reason he doesn't 'get it' right now is because he sees work differently: not partially as an element of self-fulfillment, but something you do to earn money. Providing you do spend a reasonable amount of time with him for someone whose been in a relationship for more than 2 years, he needs to understand your professional needs. Otherwise, maybe you'd be better off with someone who DID understand them (although such people tend to borderline on the 'crazy workaholic' area, so I wouldn't necessarily recommend them either :p). |
| writesonwater | Posted – 8/10/2006 9:56:33 PM | show profile | email poster sounds like there are severe clashes between expectations. To be honest, this guy sounds like he's either controlling or selfish -- or maybe he thinks he's the center of the universe. Sometimes guys like that resent ANYTHING that mean's they're not the center of your world. If you think it's bad now, imagine a man who's jealous because of a BABY or a NOVEL or an Olympic career. Don't let him blame you for his egocentricity. Now, if you're NEVER home and you live, eat sleep and breathe your job. you may be in need of rebalancing -- for YOU and your relationships (with friends and rellies, not just with your BF). There's a poem about a woman who puts a man in danger for a whim in an effort to get him to show love. "Not love," said he, "but vanity (sets love a task like that?)" Is it love that's prompting his ultimatum, or vanity, or ego, or selfishness, or the desire to control? What do your friends and family think? |
| beenthere | Posted – 8/11/2006 12:39:09 PM | show profile Sounds like you love your job more than you love your bf. I was in a relationship years ago that was literally killed by excessive work hours -- we never spent any time together and I got tired of being "alone" in a relationship. This lead to other major relationship issues and I finally made the decision to leave. |
| deansprague | Posted – 8/11/2006 12:47:12 PM | show profile Wow It appears as though many people are affected by this - myself included. Not to vent too much, but I'm tired of being asked to provide information about how much time is spent marketing, networking, writing, editing, and researching. I stop trying to justify it, which only takes more time out of the day. And.. I'm expected to keep up with the house and child. The feedback from readers and my paycheck are the only reassurance of my job pursuit. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 8/11/2006 5:38:07 PM | show profile | email poster I love my family. That said, they don't have a clue how much time this stuff takes, or that just because I don't go out to work 7-4 doesn't mean I don't have to put in that much time. And then some, if I want to get ahead on books instead of just articles. Plus, I handle a small family sideline and everything from shopping for it to marketing, which is kind of like "These checks just magically appear from nowhere, cool!" I can't even think of where to start to fix it, so I plod on! I'm used to it by now but once in a while it still smarts. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 8/11/2006 5:45:13 PM | show profile | email poster Without walking through Deadline's day with her it seems premature, perhaps, to pass judgment on which she loves more, BF or job. Some people can be real tyrants about this, really, I mean jealous of every second. It's a classic movie theme -- remember Erin Brockovitch? In that account, it seemed lto me like even though her cause was great and perfectly understandable, she was taking unfair advantage of her BF and what she really needed to do was to rethink her childcare, or at least say "This is going to last for (xxxx) can we manage until then and how else can we handle this better? And here's how I"m going to demonstrate to you (kids) and you (boyfriend) that you're important to me.." Either that or find someone who also lives a hectic life and gets it, and doesn't want a lap puppy to fetch their pipe and slippers. (In this case, get really great childcare, cuz you'll need it if you've got kids.) |
| writesonwater | Posted – 8/11/2006 5:46:56 PM | show profile | email poster Another thought -- if you don't need your income, I'd take time to write a book. More time for relationships, perhaps. I wish we didn't need my income -- that's what i'd do! |
| beenthere | Posted – 8/11/2006 6:38:17 PM | show profile I'm not passing any judgment, just making an observation. She loves her job, great. She loves her boyfriend, great, too. If your partner considers that your job is "ruining" your relationship, you've got bigger problems than worrying about whether an anonymous poster is judging you in an open forum. --Without walking through Deadline's day with her it seems premature, perhaps, to pass judgment on which she loves more, BF or job. Some people can be real tyrants about this, really, I mean jealous of every second. -- |
