| Back to Home > Bulletin Board > Sources for Stories > Topic: Pressure to Procreate from Your Gyno? |
Topic: Pressure to Procreate from Your Gyno?
| Author | Message |
| starrevartan | Posted – 2/11/2007 4:13:22 PM | show profile | email poster Hello all, Last year I had this bizarre experience when my formerly beloved gyno (a woman) asked me about starting a family. The fact that I was unmarried, applying to grad school and told her then and previously that I felt strongly about adopting kids when I was older seemed not to phase her as she pressured me to 'start thinking about starting a family'. I was 28. When I nicely told her that I probably didn't want to have my own biological kids, she looked me in the face and told me that having babies are 'what we're here for'. I took this as a one-off crazy doctor who has some kind of issues until I heard from my friend that she was also pressured by her gyno to have kids with her boyfriend! Has this happened to you? I'm writing a piece on the medical ethics of this situation, and would like to get different kinds of reactions to a doctor who has made this kind of comment to you. Maybe some people thought this was a good suggestion? I'd like to hear from all sides, though I have to say I was pretty upset by my doctor's suggestion. |
| fake.it.til.you.make.it | Posted – 2/12/2007 12:28:15 AM | show profile That's weird. You don't have any issues that might affect your fertility? That's the only reason why I'd think a doctor would suggest to get started soon--IF you're planning on having kids, but that's weird that she made the comment that "that's what we're here for." Does she mean as in women's sole purpose in life, or is she more of a fertility gyn? I myself have never experienced this, but have heard about other women who have endometriosis that are urged to have kids asap as if it's a miracle cure for the disease (it's not), but you might want to check out some endometriosis messageboards... |
| starrevartan | Posted – 2/12/2007 9:50:07 AM | show profile | email poster Fake it: Yes, I've gotten some leads from those with fertility issues. (I don't have any myself and neither does the one friend I mentioned in my orig. query.) I know pregnancy is supposed to be one of the 'cures' for endo and it does work at least some of the time. I'm also looking for women who are just in for their average check up getting pressured. Thanks for the idea though! |
| shewrites2 | Posted – 2/12/2007 10:05:18 AM | show profile It was my endo, not my gyno... and my doctor wasn't as blunt as yours, but I did get some pressure from her when I was in my late 30s. She started telling me, apropos of nothing I had said, that I could get in vitro services from a clinic she was connected with for only $20-50,000. Jeepers! I had already scotched the idea of having children, and felt she was just trying to make some money in her other venture. She was treating me for thyroid disorders and polycystic ovaries. I would have had a terrible time with pregnancy and had to be supervised constantly. Plus, the chances of giving birth to a special needs child at my age, and the questionable involvement of my husband, put the idea of bearing children out of the question for me. Not too long afterward, her office told me they no longer accepted my insurance. So I paid out of pocket. She was an excellent doctor and worth it. Still later, I got another letter from her saying she was cutting back on her practice and dropping me from her patient rolls. She fired me! I don't know if her firing me is connected to my refusal to have a supervised middle-aged pregnancy, but I have suspected so. |
| starrevartan | Posted – 2/12/2007 11:27:59 AM | show profile | email poster Shecasey, I'd love to interview you. Can you email me with your contact info? |
| LotusBlossom | Posted – 2/13/2007 1:56:55 PM | show profile Babies A year ago, I would have said your doctor was at best playing fast and loose with boundaries and at worst, a bit touched. In any case, I would thought that you should find a new doctor. But now I have a baby and I am so in love that I do think anything else matters BUT babies and I find myself proselytizing to the young and childless all the time without any respect for, well, boundaries. Maybe your gyno is a new mother. In any case, best of luck with the article! |
| 6monthstogo | Posted – 2/13/2007 2:39:17 PM | show profile My experience is not exactly the same, but I felt also kind of creepy. I had been going to my gyno (a male, also beloved by me until this visit) since I was a teenager and had gotten all my BC and stuff from him. He made smalltalk during exams and it came up that I lived with my boyfriend, who had a daughter. He then gave me a speech/lecture about how I should be careful because some guys will just use a girl and not marry her?the old giving the milk away for free kind of thing. I was shocked and never went back. This was a younger guy too, not an old traditionalist, and he never gave me lectures about premarital sex or anything. It was just out of the blue for a doctor to be giving me non-medical advice, and I think highly unethical, but I guess it happens. |
| recovering_jersey_girl | Posted – 2/13/2007 4:02:10 PM | show profile I love my gyno (female) and have never gotten any such pressure from her. However, I'll never forget having an annual several years ago now when I had to book with one of her partners (I was in college and not at home much). She said, "Are you having sex?" I said no - it was true at the time - but I was still bowled over by her follow-up. She said, "Good for you," and went back to the physical part of the exam. I just remember thinking, wow, if I had been nervous and just blurted out no and had been lying, I would *never* tell her the truth after that! |
| starrevartan | Posted – 2/13/2007 6:30:00 PM | show profile | email poster Considering that studies say that many women only see their gynecologists (as opposed to other doctors) regularly, this information is all very interesting. I do realize that doctors are people too, and I think it's important for them to have an open an honest relationship with their patients, but to me, many of these stories are beyond what's professional and even ethical. Thanks for your responses. Any more? |
| starrevartan | Posted – 2/13/2007 6:32:12 PM | show profile | email poster LotusBlossom: I can only guess that you are being ironic with that response....???? |
| Lotus665 | Posted – 2/13/2007 7:50:31 PM | show profile Starre, I also emailed you off line. It's my firm opinion that it's docs' professional obligation to proffer medical services and medical advice, but NOT to offer unsolicited life-planning suggestions unrelated to our medical condition. I had several occasions of docs somewhat pressuring me to have kids when I was in my mid to late 30s. Once (age 35) I visited a urologist due to chronic bladder infections. In the course of prescribing treatment he asked if I was planning to become pregnant soon (medically valid question). When I said no, but possibly wanted to eventually, he said, "Be aware that 40 is just around the corner" and went on trying to convince me that now was the time, despite that I was in a dysfunctional relationship and broke. |
| Lotus665 | Posted – 2/13/2007 7:51:27 PM | show profile By the way, I'm not LotusBlossom, I'm Lotus665...just so ya know. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 2/14/2007 1:19:55 AM | show profile | email poster To me, the one doc in this list that maybe makes sense is the one who asks if you're planning on having kids and then advises you that the clock is running. That doc may be in the know about bio deadlines looming that you're unaware of -- and have the intention of sparing you costly fertilization efforts as time becomes more precious. Otherwise, if a gyno gets a "NOT INTERESTED" sign posted, seems like they should not "try to talk you into kids." |
| writesonwater | Posted – 2/14/2007 1:25:00 AM | show profile | email poster To me, it seems there's a fine line between a doc invading your space or not. Should a doc tell an overweight person they're putting their health at risk and suggest options? To me, that would seem to fall within a doc's perview. I have an acquaintance who suffers from dyspareunia -- pain during sex, which has severely affected her love life. She confided this to her gyno in the course of an exam, but didn't ask for help with it, and the doc didn't offer help either. I told this friend that if I had said that to a doc, I'd expect the doc to suggest some possible solutions. HOwever, my acquaintance said she didn't expect the doc to say anything, and that if she wanted help with her dyspareunia, it was up to her to ask. |
| starrevartan | Posted – 2/14/2007 2:29:43 PM | show profile | email poster Here's the rub.... ....about this situation. Whether you're 28 (as I and my friend were when pressured) or 38, beyond a medical inquiry - which I would never have a problem with: "Are you planning on getting pregnant before I put you on this medication/doing this surgery/prescribe this diet"- it just seems strange and odd to pressure women into having kids. It implies, to me, that these doctors think we haven't thought about the issue. Do these doctors honestly believe we just haven't gotten around to thinking about this issue? Or that we are somehow ignorant about the fact that fertility declines after a certain age? I don't know a woman who hasn't seriously considered this issue, and I see a lot of societal pressure (certainly there are already books about that), information, statistics and news stories. AND are they pressuring men in the same way? I just read a great article about male infertility in this month's Elle. I bet your buttons men are not routinely talked to like this by their doctors. Perhaps that will be a good angle to cover in this piece. Hmmm.....I'll have to start querying my male friends! Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. |
| caitlinkelly | Posted – 2/14/2007 3:00:51 PM | show profile With so many stories about women having kids in their 40s or even 50s, it may be that some women think it's much easier than it is, or they don't realize the expense and physical costs of multiple miscarriages, fertility drugs/injections, multiple rounds of IVF. I don't want kids but I would not in any way be offended if my gyno -- who probably knows a lot more than the best-informed patient --had pointed out the precipitous drop in fertility that occurs at 40. When we did discuss pregnancy, she told me point-blank I'd be referred to a high-risk specialist (for women over 45.) I learned more, and it was not cheerful, by attending a conference on infertility, than any articles I've read. If you suddenly try to get pregnant at 38 or 40 and are having physical problems, you've biologically got less to work with than someone who starts trying even at 34 or 36. A good gyno tells you the truth, not what you want to hear. The best gynos know you enough as a human being that they'll listen to, and hear you, if you're not emotionally ready (i.e. broke, about to break up) to have a child. My gyno always schedules at least 20 to 30 minutes to talk, and really listen, after the physical exam. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 2/14/2007 3:38:49 PM | show profile | email poster Men probably don't get "the talk" from their doctors, since their window for procreation is much wider than our short little span for having kids. Just look at the late Sen. Strom Thurmond, widely reported to have fathered children over a span of 50 years. What Caitlyn said. As a woman, if I was still planning on having kids at 38, I'd welcome some insider info from my gyno. |
| salsera | Posted – 2/14/2007 3:58:48 PM | show profile I'm 31, and was recently diagnosed with ovarian cysts, which could make it more difficult for me to become pregnant when I want to have kids. By my gyno, who is a wonderful gay man, told me that I shouldn't change my plans about when I want to have children and try to do so sooner than I would otherwise. If I were you, I'd find another doctor! It's true that it's going to get harder for us to have kids as we get older, but if you want to adopt, then I don't even see why it's an issue. |
| Lotus665 | Posted – 2/15/2007 1:03:45 PM | show profile I have to disagree with you. My doc was treating me for bladder infections and his questions should have stopped after he determined if I was planning on getting pregnant soon, because that was medically necessary to ask before he put me on meds. His volunteered opinion that I should start soon was out of line because it wasn't relevant to my case and I did not ask him about fertility issues. A, he's a urologist, and b, I already knew, duh, about how fertility drops with age. You kind of had to be there, but he went all pro-natalist on me and did not respect my reasons for waiting, which I clearly stated were not about "I have plenty of time" but about the fact that it was a very bad time right just then. At the very least I wanted to cure my UTI first!! |
| DHernandez | Posted – 2/16/2007 12:54:32 PM | show profile I don't see much, if any, pressure described in this thread. When does a question become pressure? When does one comment become pressure? Aren't we stronger than this? Maybe the real story is the old conflict between personal or situational needs and what women perceive the rest of the world's expectations to be for them. Otherwise, how would our gynos' statements even be memorable? |
| df | Posted – 2/16/2007 3:04:46 PM | show profile | email poster well I think that theres pressure out there, I have always stated to my OB/Gyn that i don't want kids and I still get the speech. Am i sure bla bla. yes i am sure. still a follow up. they still won't give the birth control of my choice, because i haven't had kids yet. that i will sign any waver on their behave but it does not change anything. Needles to say, I only visit those doctors once. unfortunately i moved a lot so i had to go through this procedure a lot. My explanation to myself in order to not get to upset always was that that there are two types of OB/Gyn: the baby crazy ones, which approach their job as I am here to help as many babies as possible into this world, clearly to be identified by tons of baby pictures in the wait area and only parental reading material in the waiting room and the female friendly ones, which are there to serve the female population in all their needs, even if it means to prevent more babies. I have enabled my email, if you want to contact me off line for your article, i have some horror stories to share. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 2/17/2007 3:54:58 PM | show profile | email poster I can understand a doc's reluctance to give a birth control method that could affect a woman's ability to conceive/give birth in the future, just because it's everyone's prerogative to change their minds about kids, marriage, career, even tattoos. I had a friend who had to shop around for someone to give her an elective tubal ligation when she hadn't had kids. She felt strongly that she didn't want them, period. If you're really, really sure you don't want them, ever, that might be the way to go. |
| ubitiq | Posted – 2/27/2007 8:34:39 PM | show profile | email poster writesonwater, who was your friend's doctor? i don't have children and have absolutely no desire to have them (i've changed my mind on many things since age 13, but this is one i haven't changed my mind on). i would very much like to get a tubugal, but fear i'll be turned down by doctors at age 34. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 2/27/2007 9:03:25 PM | show profile | email poster My friend's doc was in North Dakota, probably no help to you. Maybe now that you're mid-30s, you stand a chance of a doc listening to you. Might want to call some OBGYN offices and ask that specific question, anonymously. Obviously, you don't want to make a chain of appointments in an effort to find someone who will do this. |
| MedScribe | Posted – 2/28/2007 6:02:27 PM | show profile I seem to remember that ACOG (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists) sent out a press release saying that a lot of women were naive about the fact that the likelihood of a live birth at 40 plummets dramatically. (IVF and fertility drugs do not work very well when the fundamental problem is old eggs). ACOG concluded the release by recommending that physicians routinely alert their 30-plus patients to this fact. I think we hear so much about midlife celebs "surprise" pregnancies. Very few come out about the reality: donor eggs. That is their prerogative, of course, but it does give women false hope that they, too, can still be fertile well into their 40s. That's not to say it's an impossibility but it is pretty unlikely. Having reported on this many times, I can say that there is a huge market of 40-plus women trying to get pregnant. I don't have any problem with a physician tactfully and discreetly alerting their patients to the fact that fertility starts to dwindle at 35, and goes into free fall at 40. (It does sound like some physicians have handled ACOG's recommendation inappropriately, tho.') |
