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Topic: dating with a serious illness
| Author | Message |
| uneedabob | Posted – 5/16/2007 8:28:55 AM | show profile | email poster I'm writing a piece for MSN, and I need to balance out the expert commentary with one or two anecdotes. Has anyone out there been involved in the beginning stages of a relationship, and had to tell/been told about a serious condition (cancer currently in remission, genetic predisposition to Huntington's, etc.). How did broach this delicate topic? How did you react? Thanks for your input! Bob |
| writesonwater | Posted – 5/16/2007 8:56:58 AM | show profile | email poster I know two instances of this -- one where high school sweethearts (I went to high school with) destined to marry had to deal with a fear of Huntington's (that's the Woody Guthrie one, right?) in her family -- she eventually tested clear, but it was apparently never a deciding factor for him. Still married a couple decades later. And one where a friend's sister found out her fiance had cancer. He got treatment, they married -- and had a couple miracle babies to boot. Sweet. |
| mkelly | Posted – 5/16/2007 2:27:35 PM | show profile Does serious mental illness count? Because I've dated some real whackos over the years, that's for sure. |
| Astera | Posted – 5/16/2007 2:38:25 PM | show profile | email poster I'd been dating a great guy for just two months when I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. I moved from Southern California to Northern California to live with my family while I got treatment, but he stuck by me, through the hair loss, the vomiting, and the mood swings. Now, we've been married for almost three years. If you can find a man who will love you when you're bald, you know you've got a keeper. ------ www.adventuresofastera.blogspot.com |
| ZeldaMedia | Posted – 5/17/2007 12:30:40 PM | show profile Just imagine How many women can say that about you MKelly! |
| romina.c | Posted – 5/18/2007 12:36:22 PM | show profile | email poster You never know what can happen in the future You never know what can happen to your partner in the future, if they've already been treated for something (cancer, colitis (using a bag), or mental health) perhaps you'll be lucky and not have to deal with anything more. You can date a healthy looking person who winds up coming down with something, going crazy with a mental health issue, or whatever,... . How to deal with it? Be honest. It certainly is a test of how much you really like someone, that's for sure. |
| romina.c | Posted – 5/18/2007 12:36:28 PM | show profile | email poster You never know what can happen in the future You never know what can happen to your partner in the future, if they've already been treated for something (cancer, colitis (using a bag), or mental health) perhaps you'll be lucky and not have to deal with anything more. You can date a healthy looking person who winds up coming down with something, going crazy with a mental health issue, or whatever,... . How to deal with it? Be honest. It certainly is a test of how much you really like someone, that's for sure. |
| ZeldaMedia | Posted – 5/18/2007 1:31:08 PM | show profile Truthfully This is not something I am proud of but I turned down going out with someone who was very attractive, very wealthy.. very sweet. .also rather witty. .he understood my humor and has seen me on ugly days. .fat days. .tipsy... sober.. eating junk food..in a bad outfit.. the works. . he was kind and patient BUT: He was diabetic and had just suffered from a crippling bout of MS.. .on top of that he drank a lot and smoke a lot of cigarretts. . he was doing nothing to better his health.. So, I wrote him a long email saying that I couldn't date at the time and that I was taking a time out from the bar/party scene and trying to better my health. .I was hoping this would somehow get him thinking about taking care of his health. . . Even if he did improve his habits, quite smoking and drinking, worked out.. I still don't think I could date him know that one morning he could wake up and be paralized from MS. . . I watched my mother slave over my father for five years when he was diagnosed with cancer. . .and I don't think I could go into a relationship knowing that that was a likely reality. . . Some people might call that cowardly, shallow or bitchy but I just couldn't watch someone wither away like I did my father. . .running from one hospital to the next. . .with tubes, needles and vomitting being my world. . |
| A~ | Posted – 5/18/2007 2:28:13 PM | show profile It's one thing to be honest about your reasons on a BB like this and entirely another to have the guts to tell that person face-to-face. Dumping somebody by email is shitty and cowardly, regardless of the motives or reasons, but the reasons you gave here just makes it even more distasteful. You just made it worse for the guy with your chicken-shit method of dumping him. (If I read that wrong and you actually did tell him face-to-face then I stand corrected and take back what I just said. If I read that right . . . yuck!) I dated a woman who had gotten Hep (the strain you get from sexual intercourse) from a boyfriend her senior year in high school. That's a really bad one -- in many ways worse (and way more infectious) than AIDS. Imagine having to tell people even before you kiss them that you have an highly infectious STI that at best will eventually require a liver transplant. Like AIDS Hep had an ebb and flow. When you have it there are times when your viral count climbs and you become jaundiced (and more infectious). It's an awful and avoidable STI. Fortunately, having traveled around I had taken my six-month vaccination. Unfortunately it was a mutually alcohol-enabling relationship. It was fun, but my doctor was adamant that I had to make an effort to keep her from drinking (a big no-no with Hep). An intervention was in no way going to work with her, and, frankly, I don't believe in that stuff anyway. The relationship ended, but it was a fun six months. I still kindasorta worry about her from time to time, but her lifestyle is her choice and she was moral enough to be completely honest about her condition, which is a lot more than can be said about a lot of people that have Hepatitis and are too ashamed or embarrassed to be honest about it. |
| ZeldaMedia | Posted – 5/18/2007 3:03:49 PM | show profile Huh? Was the above response meant for me? If so, you are very wrong and very nasty. I was NOT in a relationship with this person and therefor didn't dump him. . . he was a friend of a friend. |
| A~ | Posted – 5/18/2007 4:03:21 PM | show profile Like I said . . . I stand corrected. At first read it sounded like you were seeing the guy ('cause you knew all this stuff about him in addition to rejecting him because of his MS). It's natural for people to reject diseased or handicapped people -- we're all monkeys and therefore as monkeys we seek the same attributes of reproductive success -- no different than dogs that kill other crippled dogs to reduce the reproductive competition (and it's usually a guaranteed win in a alpha-male competition) -- we just water it down with humanistic rationality (only occasioanlly in human history have we resorted to overtly dog-like behavior in this regard -- killing the weak and diseased rather than simply marginalizing them). Again, I stand corrected if you simply turned the guy down by email. Dumping somebody by email is really awful. (No I've never done it or been dumped before in that manner, but it is very cowardly and, yeah, I do react nastily to people who behave in that manner). |
| mkelly | Posted – 5/18/2007 4:31:46 PM | show profile How about dumping someone via BB posting? |
| uneedabob | Posted – 5/18/2007 5:01:19 PM | show profile | email poster Hi Zelda and A--I'd like to use one (or both) of your anecdotes. Can you email me off the board with your first name, age, and location? (Feel free to leave off either of the latter two if you don't want to provide too many clues to your identity). Thanks! Bob |
| ZeldaMedia | Posted – 5/18/2007 5:02:41 PM | show profile A You truly are a black and white kind of guy. . .not everything can be pared down to your Machiavellian macabre. . .after all . . my mother didn't leave my father when he was going through his illness. . . But I won't get into that it hurts way too much. . . |
