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Topic: Roads Not Taken
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| mad fingers | Posted – 8/22/2007 10:05:53 AM | show profile "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both" -- Robert Frost Don't know why this is on my mind so much. Maybe because where I've ended up is so far from where I used to think I'd be going. There's the stuff over which we have no control -- the being five minutes late that keeps you from standing where you'd usually be when a truck blasts through the intersection --- and those moments you realize, ususally in hindsight, that if you'd taken a right instead of a left, said yes instead of no, or no instead of yes, that your life would likely have had a very different outcome. So I guess the questions are: What is your road not taken and do you regret not taking it? |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 8/22/2007 10:09:14 AM | show profile I could have married another man, and I'm glad I didn't. I could have stayed in advertising and I'm glad I didn't. I wish I partied more at a younger age, though... However, I think when we get to a certain age, our intuition kicks in, and if we follow that, more times than not, we'll probably pick the right path... |
| Janetblueyes | Posted – 8/22/2007 10:40:01 AM | show profile | email poster Mad Fingers, You must be psychic, because I have been asking myself the very same question for most of the week. At this point in my life I am faced with the excruciating task of figuring out how to tell my husband that I no longer love him and that it is time to go our separate ways. However, I am glad that I took the road that led me to him, and to our marriage. One big regret I have is not pursuing a career with the FBI after I had been selected to go to Quantico for basic training. After passing a grueling battery of tests, I made the cut and was getting ready to head off, when my then boyfriend, (now husband) asked me to marry him. I chose a sparkling rock over a big black Glock. My road seems to be more of a bumpy dirt path at the moment. I am hopelessly lost. When you get to a fork in the road, take it. (Yogi Berra). |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 8/22/2007 10:46:44 AM | show profile Janet...how long have you been married? And when did you realize you didn't love him anymore? |
| Janetblueyes | Posted – 8/22/2007 10:56:27 AM | show profile Angela- I've been married almost 14 years. I fell out of love with him probably 5 years ago. Fortunately we have no children. Fear of the unknown and the prospect of becoming broke has kept me with him. I have a fear of ending up living in a moldy basement apartment. However, the tipping point is dangerously close. I expect to be single by the end of the year. |
| jjones | Posted – 8/22/2007 10:57:27 AM | show profile janet... You should totally read Eat, Pray, Love if you haven't already. The beginning is about realizing one no longer wants to be married and getting out. This thread also makes me think of Stumbling on Happiness, which i didn't think was a great book, but the upshot of it is, we often have a hard time finding happiness because we are not good at predicting what will make us happy. This is because we all have a tendency to fantasize about things and romanticize them. Thus, the road not taken is always appealing because we are comparing our real lives to the fantasy of some other life, rather than the reality of how it would be. This is also why people regret things they didn't do more than what they did do. Because they are imagining an idealized version of what they could have done. Does that make sense? |
| Janetblueyes | Posted – 8/22/2007 11:04:22 AM | show profile Thank you jjones! After reading the reviews of it on Amazon, I just purchased a copy. Sounds like just what I need. Much obliged. Sorry to have hijacked this thread. Please carry on! |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 8/22/2007 11:08:16 AM | show profile jjones...that makes sense. But I think when we become complacent and "safe," we stop living. So, while not taking the new path is a sane and logical thing to do...it can also hinder us from feeling alive. Plus, I for one, feel marriage is a fallacy. I think it's impossible. I think it goes against the human condition. I think, basicially, it's the equiv of foot binding; forcing ourselves into impossible situations. I'm married...and I've chosen to kill off a part of my humanness (so to speak) to live a safe life upholding societal standards. It may be a mistake, and maybe I'll find myself in Janet's situation in a few years...but this is my path for now, though I realize how ridiculous it is sometimes. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 8/22/2007 11:22:08 AM | show profile Sooner or later, romantic love dies, and we realize it wasn't an evergreen or a perennial, but an annual-- something we have to hoe, plant, water, weed every year -- and what's the fun in that? ;) Everytime I listen to Carole King's 'It's Too Late Baby' I get chills. For me, I've come to the conclusion that we all put our pants on one leg at a time, that there is no Prince Charming (and if we met one he'd end up a bundle of neuroses or unavailably gay.) If we're lucky, we're strapped in with someone who makes a good companion and with whom we can still have some nice intimate moments with (in between the waves of interest and disinterest which so seldom coincide.) However, sometimes, people fall out of love because their partner already has, and that partner now takes them badly for granted and is secretly hoping the whole thing will end. This seems to be what happened to a friend of mine -- he finally was the one to say "I want out" -- but mentally she had been "outa there" for a long while, and he knew it. The best overall self-help book along these and other general lines of life remains, for me, How to Be Your Own Best Friend. by Mildred Newman, Bernard Berkowitz, and Jean Owen . What a classic. |
| keltoi2 | Posted – 8/22/2007 11:26:06 AM | show profile Roads not taken: went to a state college in New Jersey rather than a Jesuit one in Mobile, Alabama. My life could have been stunningly different now. Also, didn't marry about 5 girlfriends who wanted to marry me, but DID marry a widowed mother of 3, whom I had been good friends with decades before, didn't see for the intervening decades, and reunited with. Both were the right choices. As for marriage itself, I waited an incredibly long time to marry, because the only reason I believe to marry someone is because you have found the person you truly want to spend the rest of your life with and can't imagine living without. |
| mad fingers | Posted – 8/22/2007 11:26:39 AM | show profile my road not taken One day, when I was about 19, I was walking through Greenwich Village. My parents hadn't wanted me to go to NYU, they thought it was too dangerous an area (oy!), so I went down there pretty much every chance I got. A very bizarre man came up to me, told me I was "fabulous!" and said I had to go with him that very minute. He said he was the director of some theater company and I would be perfect for their upcoming production. Now, being raised in the burbs and hearing all the scary tales, I did what most 19-year-old girls would do. I thanked him, and walked quickly in the other direction. A few months later, I found out via one of my professors that the whole thing was legit. The man was who he said he was. The theater company did exist and the new show was going up, of course without me. I'd been studying theater since I was 6, but I'd recently switched over to an English major, and I was too chicken to go down and re-introduce myself. I often think if I'd just said "yes," my life would have been, if not happier, more fulfilled. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 8/22/2007 11:30:30 AM | show profile | email poster Angela, you're right that marriage goes against the human condition. I like the foot binding analogy. There are reasons for it, unlike the minced feet of the ancient Chinese ritual. In mwany (not all) instances it benefits kids to have two parents around to balance their life out and to share hunting/gathering/firetending responsibilities. In the aging process, many couples (not all) are blessed to have each other, and live longer and happier for it. The entire aging process is fraught with peril, though, and negatives can be made more apparent by some marriages. Marriage is a long series of compromises -- hopefully for both people at different intervals. If only one person's compromising, that ain't good. There can be something pure and lovely about being stubbornly persistent in caring about someone despite them -- as long as the door goes both ways. Unrequited devotion's not my cup of tea, I will tell you that much. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 8/22/2007 11:38:28 AM | show profile My roads not taken: Leaving a broadcast news career to pursue print. Leaving a writing job in print to sidetrack to editor for a fistful of dollars. Screeching a PR career to a halt to stay home and play with a delightful and unexpected third baby and freelance. Returning to husband after lengthy separation. or: Instead of sitting on my arse and crying Woe Is Me after sudden decision to leave nasty job situation, got in there and pitched up a storm (literally, in Katrina's wake, lots of Katrina pieces launched my career) and worked my tush off, which paid off. Regrets? Nah. Useless emotion. Better to just 'take it from here' ;) |
| keltoi2 | Posted – 8/22/2007 12:04:21 PM | show profile I like your outlook, w-o-w. |
| mad fingers | Posted – 8/22/2007 12:09:35 PM | show profile I agree. Just read a story on AOL about the woman who started FlyLady.com. I think if WOW launched a similar endeavor, she could make a mint. :) |
| Mag Girl | Posted – 8/22/2007 12:16:03 PM | show profile I've thought many times before about all of the countless little (and big) decisions or events that have caused my life to take the course it has. If I hadn't have had such a tough time finding a journalism job after graduation, I wouldn't have desparately moved to take the crappy trade mag job I first had here. And then I wouldn't have met my husband. If I hadn't have had a high school boyfriend who was so into his school paper, maybe my interest in journalism never even would have come to fruition. It's amazing how sometimes seemingly unrelated decisions lead you to your current path. Life's a big series of accidents, but I think it works out as it should for most people. |
| Iron Eagle | Posted – 8/22/2007 12:25:15 PM | show profile I always follow the road ahead and can't wait to see what's around the next bend. I've also been married 38 years to the lovilest person in the world. I have no ties to high school or college romances of loves lost - just one woman to care for and share time . We are different people. That's the part I like. As far as the future - indulge yourself in your passions! Don't live to regret. |
| keltoi2 | Posted – 8/22/2007 12:54:40 PM | show profile I agree on living life with as few regrets as possible. That means taking some chances, but also NOT taking some chances sometimes (particularly with stupid or unnecessary risks). There's a Gwyneth Paltrow movie that addresses this whole question called Sliding Doors. Worth a rental. And crimedog, great to hear--congrats to you both. |
| Iron Eagle | Posted – 8/22/2007 1:12:21 PM | show profile Thanks keltoi - let me add this... laugh hard and laugh loud. My wife ribs me about wanking about with some on the wingnuts on here but it sort of comes with being clued to a computer and in need of humor. We do have plenty people in deep misery around us and ask ourselves would we being hanging out if we loathe each other .... not a chance. I'd rather eat thorns! Each day is a gift and best faced with a broad smile and curiosity. |
| WinonaWriter | Posted – 8/22/2007 1:26:30 PM | show profile Gonna have to rent Sliding Doors. My problem is that I could name several roads not taken, and roads taken, and with most of them, I couldn't tell you whether they were good or bad decisions. My opinion changes from day to day. Hence I am scared now to take ANY road for fear of future regrets. Sigh...just sitting in the woods trying to choose the right path... |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 8/22/2007 1:26:31 PM | show profile crimedog, i don't believe you've never strayed... |
| keltoi2 | Posted – 8/22/2007 1:42:29 PM | show profile Winona, Frost didn't mention it, but the one who just remained sitting in the woods choosing no path at all got mugged by squirrels. And remember, in the words of those Canadian prog rockers Rush: "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." |
| mad fingers | Posted – 8/22/2007 2:09:08 PM | show profile I believe crimedog. Not every dog strays. Though I think those who are wired that way are few and far between, they are out there, and I'm always in awe when I meet one. |
| Bleak Spouse | Posted – 8/22/2007 2:28:45 PM | show profile When I was 12, after a little league baseball game ended, I had to walk through a path in the woods back to my house. I came upon a section where two paths diverged in the woods. I took the one on the left and ended up being attacked by this: http://www.basilvision.com/monster02a.jpg |
| writesonwater | Posted – 8/22/2007 2:29:07 PM | show profile My only advice if you're going to camp by the fork in the road is for pete's sake put down a ground sheet. I sat on that damp rock there and got a bladder infection, just like my mother alwayss said I would ... Keltoi and Mad, you're too kind. I have gotten out of the camping habit altogether and have adopted this philosophy: God (or fate or destiny or whatever floats your boat DIRECTIONALLY) or even I cannot steer a parked car. Momentum makes sense. Even a tangent is better than sitting on that doggone rock! Mostly because it's about the journey and not the destination. This is why I have ceased to stew when I'm driving and I get a bit off course (unless I'm late for something important or in a BAD part of town or running low on gas). I figure I'll see something I didn't see before. I actually won a newspaper prize for a column about getting lost on the way to something else but finding something serendipitous and how that related to life. (I'm famously directionally impaired.) As a youngster I went over a road I'd really rather not have travelled, things I still see no edifying reason for other than they have somehow shaped my determination. THat as a reason for them sucks, because anyone less stubborn-headed would have been broken by them. But there it is. Winona, take a road, whichever one you're most curious about. If you get a bad gut feeling about proceeding in any direction whatsoever ... it may just be an ulcer ;) Davy Crockett said: Make sure you're right, then go ahead. He didn't mean that you can foresee the future -- just that you have present ducks in order. Do your homework, and proceed... |
