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Topic: no kids
| Author | Message |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 10/10/2007 10:18:09 AM | show profile I am 31. All of my friends are reproducing. My husband is pressuring me. I don't want kids and don't see the point of ever having them. My bff is due in five weeks. Although I love her to death, I am getting grossed out and irritated with her baby talk. I am worried I will block her out of my life once the baby is born so I don't have to deal with all her mommy nonsence. I am already planning a vacation for the week of the kid's first birthday party next year so I don't have to be around screaming annoying little brats. I know i sound evil, but I'm not. I just don't like babies/kids or pregnant women. What to do? |
| Iron Eagle | Posted – 10/10/2007 10:30:47 AM | show profile Angela - who will drop by when you're fifty-eight and drive you to Wal-Mart? |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 10/10/2007 10:43:29 AM | show profile Ummm...at 58, I will drive myself; 58 isn't old. And, I don't shop at Wal-Mart. And, having kids just so they will eventually take care of you is pathetic and selfish. : ) |
| Katie | Posted – 10/10/2007 10:52:52 AM | show profile | email poster Angela, Its one thing to decide not to have children, but where does your anger come from? |
| Nikongirl | Posted – 10/10/2007 10:56:14 AM | show profile Angela, You do not have to defend yourself about having kids or not having them. It is your personal decision, period. You don't owe anyone an explaination. I had one fabulous child who will be 36 this month. Still, I was blasted repeatedly about when was I going to have a little brother or sister for my child to play with. It never stopped when he was little. My firm answer was and has always been, I did it right the first time so I did not have to do it over and over. ;-) You do not have to answer a personal question such a why don't you want children or are you going to have children, etc. If some clod asks you those personal questions just turn and stare at them coldly and ask them WHY do you ask? Then walk away. That is the advice Ann Landers always gave in that kind of situation. |
| catlondon | Posted – 10/10/2007 11:02:32 AM | show profile Angela--give the kid a chance, not as a kid but as a person. I don't have kids myself and it's now too late, so I won't ever, but I love love love my friends' kids...mostly. One or two of my friends have popped out a little person I just couldn't bond with, but many have popped out funny, smart, engaging little ones. And it's fun to watch them grow up. Oddly enough, though, it's my friends who are helicopter mommies who have produced kids I feel distant from, and my more down-to-earth-I-have-no-problem-hiring-a-babysitter friends who have kids that are fun to be with. I perhaps sense a trend... |
| voracious reader | Posted – 10/10/2007 11:06:35 AM | show profile The important part of you question deals with you mentioning that your husband is pressuring you to start a family. Before you married was the discussion of having a family ever mentioned? Perhaps you and your husband need professional counseling because my crystal ball tells me that this may be a deal breaker in your marriage. If you love your husband, get off this board now and find a professional who deals with this kind of situation. |
| astrahook | Posted – 10/10/2007 11:31:28 AM | show profile did you ever discuss this prior to getting married? I don't think there is anything strange about not wanting to have kids or even disliking them....I do think its odd that the subject is broached only after marriage. Thats just me though. |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 10/10/2007 11:34:29 AM | show profile Anger? Yes, actually there is anger. I am so sick of being around pregnant women and new mothers -- 'cause all they talk about is their damn kids, who I don't care about. It's annoying and it makes me angry because I have to listen to it. And, yes, I talked about children with my husband before we married; I told him I don't want any. He said ok. Now, he changed his mind and think I will, too. |
| Iron Eagle | Posted – 10/10/2007 11:36:15 AM | show profile Angela - I was just teasing. My brother I get a kick out our mother who is 86 and needs a weekly Wal-Mart fix. You were once a child and I'm certain you're glad your parents didn't fret over having you. I love kids - have one myself and it's a treat. I also have young dogs who are a riot. Maybe that's the way to go. You're husband has the right to wish for kids. Like someone above said - counselling may be in order. 58? I live near a large complex with people old and young with disabilities. I'm astounded how many suffer so young. |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 10/10/2007 12:11:06 PM | show profile Actually, my parents did "fret" over having me...and I was also an "only." |
| pholiday | Posted – 10/10/2007 12:38:59 PM | show profile Plenty of women choose to not have kids and other mothers and should respect your decision. Problem is that they don't, right? Thing is, you have to respect those mothers decision to have kids, too. That child is now going to be the BIGGEST part of their life. So, if you value those friendships you might want to get over hating their kids. It is like if one of them got married to a total jerk that you HATED ... you would still have to put up with him if you wanted to remain friends. Maybe finding some new friends who don't have children is a good answer. Sure, they haven't been there for decades, but they will be great to go out with for drinks and leisurely shopping. It will be like your two groups ... those without kids and those that (sigh) kids that you have to put up with for sake of friendship. |
| catlondon | Posted – 10/10/2007 12:39:22 PM | show profile Angela: Well, your husband can always have kids with his much-younger second wife after he outlives you or when he trades you in after you're 40-something, so I wouldn't worry too much about him. I wouldn't worry about your BFF either. She'll have too much going on with a newborn to miss you very much and I'm sure she's already sensed the tension and is maybe glad for you to keep your distance. I know when my father died (long and lingering from cancer) I had some people in my life who didn't understand my "obsession" with him and resented it. I didn't have the emotional space for anything else at the time, so I dropped not only a friend at that time but a boyfriend and haven't missed either. I've never been pregnant, but I would imagine it does kind of consume your life and thoughts and if you can't support her then it is a kindness to remove yourself from the relationship. |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 10/10/2007 12:41:18 PM | show profile Thanks, cat and phol... Good points. But, I'm still angry. |
| HisGirlFriday | Posted – 10/10/2007 1:05:34 PM | show profile Any way you can mention to your friend how much you enjoy talking about all the things you discussed pre-baby? Something like "Hey - I really miss talking about oragami or the Packers or Britney Spears or whatnot." At the same time - it is a really momentous time for your friend - maybe you can cut her a little slack? On the other hand - I don't blame you for being annoyed. I love my kid more than life itself but sometimes I get so sick of moms who can't seem to talk about anything else. One of my best friends and I rarely discuss our kids at all. It is so amazingly refreshing. |
| catlondon | Posted – 10/10/2007 1:14:01 PM | show profile Your friend will go one of two ways--she'll remain completely immersed in kid stuff and only want to be with other mothers, or eventually she'll get a few full night's of sleep and want to go into the wider world again and she'll be glad you're waiting in the wings. The husband issue--good luck with that. |
| recovering_jersey_girl | Posted – 10/10/2007 1:26:58 PM | show profile | email poster Angela, I'm only four posts into this thread and had to write in. I'm the SAME way and about the same age (30). Nothing to apologize for, and I've also been subject to hostility/disbelief for expressing my views. I get a lot of, "Oh, you'll change your mind." While I'll never say never, I have known I didn't want kids from the time I was biologically old enough to have them...so I've had the same opinion for 17 years. Over that time, my taste in clothes, music, hobbies and nearly everything else has changed, but my thoughts about not wanting kids remain firm. That tells me something. PS. I've enabled my email in case you want to just vent about your friend and her baby-baby-baby talk. I can promise a pair of sympathetic eyeballs because I've been there before, too. |
| df | Posted – 10/10/2007 1:35:01 PM | show profile angela, it is going to get better the older you get. promised. the 28 to 34 age range is thee hardest for women who don't want and don't like kids. I got pestered all the time. AWFUL. I relate to your issues, I have no interest in kids, I don't like them, I don't find them cute. Most of them are annoying misbehaved brats. The good news are: once you get closer to 35 everyone will assume you are so desperate that you haven't multiplied your wonderful personality yet, that they will be afraid to bring it up in order to not provoke a nervous breakdown on your end. For me, I don't care why they don't bring it up, since the result is finally peace. Until then I am going to tell you my dirty little secret how to get those awful ... when are going... you don't know what you miss .. people to shut up for good: Start crying and say... but I want but I can't... I tried everything... and have your voice trial off a bit....while sobbing quietly. That'll teach them to be noisy about stuff which is none of their concern. |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 10/10/2007 1:36:56 PM | show profile thank you, jersey-g! i am glad i am not the only one. however, do you feel hostility toward babyland? cause i do, and i worry that isn't good. i wonder if there are any books out there for people like us... |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 10/10/2007 1:40:53 PM | show profile thanks, df. however, your creative tactic, i fear, will spur your friends to feel sorry for you and ask you to babysit so you can be around kids more (kinda like: mi bambino es su bambino). i actually quite enjoy telling mothers that THEY don't know what they're missing by not having a kid-free life... |
| Iron Eagle | Posted – 10/10/2007 1:47:07 PM | show profile babies come with a mouth full of spumoni.. they are to be watched closely.. |
| mad fingers | Posted – 10/10/2007 2:06:42 PM | show profile You are not evil Angela: I'm a lot older, never had kids. Throughout my twenties and thirties, I lost a fair number of friends to baby mania. It was like someone sucked their brains right out of their ears. All they talked about was their kids, yet I was the pill for not wanting to listen. A lot of these women assumed I was jealous. Not so. If it's your BFF's first kid, naturually, she'll be swept up in it. Try to hang in until she realizes she misses grown-up conversation. I have managed to remain close friends with two women?both excellent moms?who somehow managed not to turn into pod people, or at least, recover from pod-dom. |
| df | Posted – 10/10/2007 2:11:09 PM | show profile oh the tactic is not for friends, to those I just tell them to shut up or I will not hang out with them ever again. its for those god awful situations where you are with semi stranger who are all full of missionary fever for conception after they dropped their load of at the night nanny after talking via cell phone to the day nanny to convince you it is so great to be pregnant and have lots of babies... My crying trick is great. try it once. please. lots of fun. if you like you can say Boooh at the end. And don't read any silly book about angry childless women. Just forget about it. What you feel is pressure from all the women who project their childrearing trapped misery into your joy full freedom life and make it their goal to get you trapped too. And yes I understand not every mommie feels like that, but believe me a lot do, my personal guestimate, approx. 50 percent regret their choice of motherhood. Just speak to a few mommie and child therapists, you would be surprised. |
| Nikongirl | Posted – 10/10/2007 2:12:25 PM | show profile Angela, I feel the same way about weddings. I HATE them. The stupid dresses, the bridesmaid?s stupid dresses, the whole freaking ceremony, the rehearsal dinner, the months and months of non-stop yak about the freaking wedding. The shopping for a stupid wedding gift; which are stupid by the very nature of the event. The tears if someone dare ruin THEIR wedding, usually the female, as it is referred to HER wedding, like the guy is not involved..... oh gwd, I could go on and on. And yeah, I am married, 38.5 years and did not have any of that crap. Never wanted it, never saw myself in one of those hideous gowns, walking down an aisle. Gag me first. I would rather eat glass than be subjected to having to attend another goofy 85K wedding ? stupid waste of money. Especially since most marriages only last a few years these days. People getting married for all the wrong reasons and make their friends suffer the consequences before, during and after the stupid wedding. Ever hear of I told you (so) ? not to marry the idiot in the first place. |
| df | Posted – 10/10/2007 2:18:11 PM | show profile oh god, nikon girl, hate weddings too. happily married though, so no envy problem. Why do people not take the wedding cost, and put it as a down payment towards an apartment beats me. well they are all duped by a big money making industry. and what amazes me is that the gay rights movement fight for having the right to to the same BS instead of educating the hetero population that we all would be better of by removing the state sanctioned benefits for married couples and just make them available for all (instead of allow others to get married). |
