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Topic: Christmas, xBox260 & the hi cost of raising a teen
| Author | Message |
| granitegirl | Posted – 12/11/2007 8:06:48 PM | show profile Explaining to your kids (of a certain age) why they can't have everything they ask for does doo more good than harm. Admittedly, parents shouldn't "have" to do this, but when you explain to a child (as my Old world Catholic parents who riased us on $40 grand a year did) that 1) life doesn't work that way, you don't get everything you want just because you want it and 2) mom and dad CAN'T give you everything you want for the rest of your life, nor can anyone else, so get used to the idea and 3)there are children in the world who don't get presents at all, who don't get ANYTHING they want, children who are poor and sick and abused and would be happy just to have hot food and a warm bed, children actually do hear this on some level and remember it --particularily when THEY are parents and their kids are hounding THEM for shit (BTW, thanks, PBS and PBS Sprout, for all those commercials!!!!!). Kids actually do hear the admonitions about being spoiled and whiny. They hear it and does register. Not always right away, but if repeated enough, and exercised in the house (by NOT giving your kids everything they want, not giving them an allowance just for "being part of the house"--they should EARN an allowance with chores, and by NOT giving MONEY as gifts for any holiday) you raise kids who are aware of the niotion of a work ethic, ie having to work hard for the things you want and even them sometimes not getting them at all. The best thing you can do as a parent is to teach your kids this. You don';t teach kids anything by saying, BECAUSE I SAID SO. EVen real dumb kids. |
| ManhattanMatt | Posted – 12/11/2007 8:23:32 PM | show profile My parents ... ... did all this. But they also invoked the "because I said so" response quite often. And it worked, because we respected them. We also heard a lot of "when YOU become a parent and have your own house, you can do/say/buy whatever you want. Until then, you're living in a house in which *I* am in charge." |
| Zestyzac | Posted – 12/11/2007 8:56:11 PM | show profile I'm curious. Granitegirl, have you ever been a parent? Or is most of your advice theoretical? |
| questoo1 | Posted – 12/11/2007 9:29:27 PM | show profile Hanukah...8 nights, 8 presents. If there was a jew on the Waltons you'd see things have not changed. |
| voracious reader | Posted – 12/12/2007 12:17:11 AM | show profile Entering my kitchen there is a framed picture of a mother hen surrounded by her chicks saying to them, "I'm the Mommy, that's why." That's pretty much been my motto involving my kids. When my oldest was a child and begged us for a Nintendo player, I believed the machine was Japan's revenge for Hiroshima. With the today's kids begging for xBox's, I'm certain Japan is having its revenge on us! I also have another motto, "Little kids, little problem, big kids, big problems." While all my kids are young adults now, I can only say that I always set boundaries with my kids. I didn't mind or care that I was the neighborhood shrew. I knew I had done a great job of raising them when they didn't ask me for certain things or to do certain things (like go clubbing at 16). When I once asked one of my kids why they hadn't ask me for something that I knew his friends had, my son said to me he knew I would say "no," so he didn't bother to ask me. However...I think it also comes down to being lucky. My husband and I have been blessed with three kids who are really nice people. I have other friends, who I have to say, have also done a great job of raising their kids, but for one awful reason or another, their kids haven't turned out well (suicide, drug addict, bi-polar, anorexic and one who had Hodgkins, but thankfully recovered). Like I said in an earlier post, my family isn't big gift giving. We generally enjoy getting together for a festive meal on a birthday and that's about it. Sure I indulge my kids during the year. Bought a leather jacket for one, a fleece jacket for another, and both equally appreciated what they received from me. Oh, my last motto, which my daughter has memorized is, "If it aint cheap, we don't buy it!" The best gift I have ever given them is I taught them about finance. They all know the meaning of "good" debt and "bad" debt. They all value education and the two older ones returned home after college to save for down payments while also investing in their retirement funds. Today, my oldest, all of 25, is a homeowner while the majority of his friends continue living with other friends while renting. Believe me when he moved back home after graduating college neither of us were happy. But he stuck it out and is deliriously happy that he did. Answering writesonwater's original question, "Anybody else notice how absurd this is all getting?" No, because I have blinders on my eyes and all I can see is that I'm the Mommy, that's why! |
| granitegirl | Posted – 12/12/2007 1:50:00 AM | show profile right, Matt, both responses will work as well. But the "Because I'm the Mommy" doesn't work on its own. ZestyTesteSac, I have two children and three stepchildren. |
| granitegirl | Posted – 12/12/2007 1:51:31 AM | show profile ZestyTesteSac, exactly what about my advice is so nonsendsical? Just out of curiousity. I know people onthis board will argue with just about anything, but seriously...what about what I said about parenting does not make sense? |
| writesonwater | Posted – 12/12/2007 3:54:04 AM | show profile I think everyone has made good points. GG and several others, I appreciate your balanced approach. You may be pleased or dismayed to know I made the decision to get him a mid-range XBox model with one game. He has agreed to cast in some of his own earnings. I did this in part because he will be able to take the game to the lake, where he has been reluctant to stay because of being "bored" because his friends and his sports complex aren't there. We love our lake time and want him with us, so this may help. I appreciate the lively discussion my irritation generated. It's also good to see the interest in good parenting. I have recently seen/read a couple childhood memoirs (the scary Running with Scissors and Nicholas SParks' surprising Three Weeks with my Brother that have made me grateful for a relatively normal home environment for my kids. |
| voracious reader | Posted – 12/12/2007 9:52:20 AM | show profile And speaking of Running with Scissors... I just finished reading Running with Scissors author Augusten Burrough's brother John Elder Robison's book Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's. Facinating book! Anyway, writesonwater, glad you came up with a solution that made both you and your son happy! Just want to get back to what I posted last evening when I said how important it is to have boundaries. From what I'm interpreting, both GG and MM are correct. Yes, all along you should be having an articulation with your kids, but sometimes there are times when you have to draw a line in the sand. I have a friend who absolutely cannot say "No" to her kids without feeling like a bad mother. Her kids are now adults and everyday is like walking on eggshells with them. When I speak of creating boundaries with children, I refer to boundaries between them and us, the parents, as well as boundaries about what our expectations and values are for them. It requires alot of trust and faith in the children which is no easy task. Remembering when they were toddlers, rather than give them two cookies on a plate and a cold glass of milk, I used to offer the cookie jar and say to them, "Take a few and if you want more, then let me know." More often than not, they would take two or three cookies and that was that. Likewise, when it was time to go to the supermarket, when they were old enough to speak, I used to ask them what they wanted. We'd then create a list so when it came time to go to the market there wasn't a "scene" and the kids were helpful in finding what they wanted. Tasks like these empower the children into making good choices. Likewise, helping them make good choices while INSIDE the home, will help them make good choices OUTSIDE of the home. As they grew, I never, repeat never, gave them a curfew. The funniest phone call I received was from my daughter at 11:30 one night when she was home from college for the first time. She was at a friend's home and she called to ask if she had a curfew. I told her "No." She asked if she ever had a curfew and again I told her "No." It seems all of her friends were moaning that now that they were home from college they had a curfew and they wish they were back in school! She then asked me why she didn't have a curfew. I told her that I never thought it was necessary. I had never had a curfew growing up, I told her, and there wasn't any reason for me to distrust her decisions, so I told her I didn't think it was necessary. And besides, I said, if I had given her a curfew and she felt rushed to be home at a specific time, the pressure of meeting the curfew might lead to disasterous consequences. Recently, I was in the library and saw a parent and small child entering the library talking with their "street" voices. As they sauntered past me and the head librarian, I asked the librarian why the parent wasn't whispering? She said, "Parents just aren't like that anymore." I said, "I remember talking to my kids BEFORE entering the library, that we had to whisper." She said, she used to do that with her kids too, but nowadays, parents just don't do that anymore. "Now, when kids come to storytime" she said, "we have to tell them how to behave." Soooo, at the end of the day, with young children, good parenting requires alot of boundary setting, which requires you to say, "I'm the Mommy, that's why." However, once you've instilled in your kids those boundaries with love and respect, they will begin to make wise decisions for themselves. The hardest thing I learned about being a parent was being able to say to my kids a simple "No." But that simple "No" speaks volumes about the love and respect I have for my children and for the love and respect that they have for me. Sure there were many times that required negotiations, but having the foundation of boundaries, made making decisions alot easier, and like I said in my earlier post, my kids even knew when NOT to ask for something! :) |
| Bleak Spouse | Posted – 12/12/2007 11:19:06 AM | show profile being forced to buy presents for people is pathetic. if you're wise you'll drop out of society and make a meager living selling earwigs. |
| Printingman | Posted – 12/12/2007 12:45:44 PM | show profile | email poster My delima, a 12 year old daughter who get straight A's, all tests taken are 100 or above yes most of the time she even gets all questions correct plus bonus questions. a classical pianist who has now discovered Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Rolling Stones and now wants an electric guitar and amp for New Years present (Us Russians give New years Presents). Any suggestions on how to buy these items cheaply while purchasing a guitar which she can grow into......As well we need to find a good guitar teacher for lessons in Brooklyn |
| voracious reader | Posted – 12/12/2007 1:02:27 PM | show profile Printman When both my sons bought acoustic and electric guitars, they spent months at Sam Ash and Guitar Center, before selecting the "right" guitar. Both sell pre-owned instruments. What I would strongly suggest, is that you take her to those stores and enjoy the process with her. I spent a ridiculous amount of time at those places and even though I returned home each time with a migraine, I happily returned the next time, and the time after that until they made their purchases. There is simply no simple answer to buying a guitar. Each guitar is unique. Likewise, you can also buy a pre-owned amp. While at Sam Ash or Guitar Center, note the posting board. Often instructors will leave their cards on the board. You might also check with your child's music teacher in school for a recommendation. Good Luck! |
| mae | Posted – 12/12/2007 1:39:23 PM | show profile Growing up, all my friends were wealthy so there were definitely pressures to fit in. And while my parents were financially stable, they also refused to indulge in my whims. And I'm grateful to them for it. We didn't have many toys, and learned to appreciate the ones we did have. Christmas usually meant new underwear and pajamas--that's it. But the one thing they did splurge on was vacations around the world. When I was 10, we visited a temple in Thailand. I saw so many disabled, poor, frail old people begging for pennies. It put everything in perspective, even at such a young age. |
| westsidestory | Posted – 12/12/2007 3:45:40 PM | show profile My mother had a great technique she used on us. She NEVER ever said "we can't afford that" or "that's too expensive" etc. Instead, her repertoire was "you don't need one," "this brand is really better" or "I think it's too ugly for you" etc. Her standard retort to "so-and-so has one!" was "so if so-and-so jumped off the bridge, you'd jump off a bridge?" Christmases were always wonderful. And I was well into the middle of my first semester at college before I realized I had actually grown up POOR. Great lesson on the power of words and perception. |
| astrahook | Posted – 12/12/2007 3:59:00 PM | show profile who wants to drive a jaguar anyhow, they are always in the shop |
| Printingman | Posted – 12/13/2007 12:35:55 PM | show profile | email poster Voracous, thanks for the advice. We do have a rather nice local guitar shop in my hood and I'm friends with the owner but I don't like the price of his lessons. He charges 80.00 for 4 lessons but the lessons are only 1/2 hour long. My daughter has a great Russian piano teacher who charges 20.00 for an hour but often goes over the hour to an hour and a half. I would like to find the equivalent guitar teacher. Somehow I think we'll make the right choice as far as equipment goes. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 12/13/2007 1:22:51 PM | show profile Print, if the teacher with 4 lessons for $80 is recommended, I'd go for it. $20 a lesson is good -- and the thing is, while you're learning guitar, half an hour at a time is about right while those fingertips toughen up. The big thing is self-direction, because guitar requires practice between lessons (like anything) -- learning chords, getting comfortable with fingering, etc. IMO, a starter amp is picked up cheap second hand or at Wal=Mart. I wouldn't go fancy until you're sure it's going to take -- just my two cents worth. (We have a $1,300 trombone that will probably never be used again -- and a violin of similar caliber that's also languishing in its case.) When my xBox360 player went through his guitar phase, we got him a cheap electric that came with an amp. It was a complete phase -- theyve hardly been played, he keeps saying he wants to learn guitar. His brother took it up in his 20s and does well with it. Congratulations on your daughter's successes! Hopefully, she'll keep up with her piano -- you might look for a piano teacher who can teach her Red Hot Chili Peppers and boogie woogie etc.... |
