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Topic: The Things We Do For Love
| Author | Message |
| writesonwater | Posted – 12/18/2007 9:22:31 AM | show profile | email poster I've been thinking about that song, The Things We Do For Love, as I'm about to do a big favor for one of my grown kids and there has been some debate about when you do the big favor and when you just approach it like "Sink or Swim." I'd be interested in hearing about the things posters here have done for love. |
| mad fingers | Posted – 12/18/2007 9:47:47 AM | show profile What I did for love? Great. Now I'll have that song from A Chorus Line in my head all day. How about: My spouse went into business and lost everything... and I mean everything, and went into a huge tailspin. Supported him financially and emotionally for years, and put up with most of my friends and family telling me to jump ship on a regular basis. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 12/18/2007 10:09:38 AM | show profile Hey ... I never even thought of the Chorus Line piece -- I was thinking of the bouncy tune by 10cc ... "ooooh, you make me love you ... " It feels to me like the things we do for love when it's our own flesh and blood (providing we're not enabling addiction or some other misplaced effort) are much more rewarding and less risky than the things we do for lovers and partners. I can think of big sacrifices I've made in my husband's behalf -- but they were for the good of the family unit. But my friend who is newly divorce looks back on sacrifices she made for her ex-husband and regrets them. So Mad, do you regret "the things you did for love"? |
| wineaux | Posted – 12/18/2007 10:50:01 AM | show profile For my children, I put my career on hold. I thought that I would go back to being an editor after my first son was a few months old, but it never happened. I tried a few times, but every time I thought of him being one of those kids stuck in daycare every day, I couldn't do it. I have kept my hand in the journalism arena over the years, mag and news writing, editing, doing pr and publicity as a freelancer and part time. But, now, ten years later, I can see that I no longer have the image of myself as the roving jourmalist, changing the world with my brave prose. Now, I freelance for a handful of businesses and here and there I write for food-oriented publications and non-profits, but my focus is my children. Sometimes, I get sad and wistful and wonder just what I will do when they are older and don't need so much of my time. I picture myself in some kitchy giftshop, peddling Precious Moments figurines. ::::shudder:::::::: But, that's not very realistic, since I do have skills and have always managed a decent amount of freelance work that can be sometimes dry, but is often interesting and challenging. I don't regret putting my career on the back burner for them, even though there were times when I doubted myself and worried about my own personal growth. They are bright, beautiful, and emotionally secure. I have taught them so many things that my other full time working friends don't have the time or energy to do with their kids. I am really and truly proud of them, and no story I ever wrote makes me feel the way I do when I see them jump off of the steps of the school bus in the afternoon, making a beeline for me, glad to see me waiting there for them. |
| mad fingers | Posted – 12/18/2007 11:12:04 AM | show profile Often, but I made the choices. No one put a gun to my head. I really regret not having kids. I think I would have been a good mom, but it would have to have been with someone else. |
| Bleak Spouse | Posted – 12/18/2007 12:03:24 PM | show profile Nothing. Love is the infinate placed within the reach of poodles. |
| mad fingers | Posted – 12/18/2007 12:58:49 PM | show profile So love is a poodle's ass? Why didn't I realize that sooner! |
| voracious reader | Posted – 12/18/2007 1:10:37 PM | show profile I think what you have to put in the mix is how often you do "big" favors and how often you let them "Sink or Swim." Presently, my friend who is going through a rough divorce, after enabling her alcoholic husband for the last decade, has looked around her immediate family for support and is kicking herself. All four of her adult children are accomplished (physicians and lawyers). All graduated school debt free, thanks to the parents, and were each given 6 digit down payments for their homes. None of her children have stepped forward to help their dad (formal intervention), and complain that they are now encumbered with having to take double the amount of time out of their busy schedules to visit their parents separately. The matrimonial lawyer is appalled at her children's behavior, and is appalled at HER and her soon to be ex-husband's behavior, for indulging their children throughout their lives. Sure, they are all successful, but at what cost? They SO lack moral compass, it is a disgrace. So, you have to ask yourself, "Do the ends justify the means?" I'm no Moses, but I would say that from time to time it's okay to "help" the ones we love, but within reason. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 12/18/2007 1:52:56 PM | show profile Re: "Bleak Spouse Posted ? 12/18/2007 12:03:24 PM | show profile Nothing. Love is the infinate placed within the reach of poodles." There's something to that -- it's like this huge risk and privilege ... |
| writesonwater | Posted – 12/18/2007 1:59:38 PM | show profile On the ungrateful adult children thing, a shrink friend once told me that we love our children, and then they love their children. We expend this huge effort to raise them, like our parents did (or did not) for us. Pay It Forward, I guess. Voracious, you'd think that those well-raised, well-off kids would come back and help their dad, but you never can tell. So I called my elderly mom (who was mentally unwell when I was a kid) to tell her i would'nt be able to call her on Christmas because I'd be on the road, driving my middle son (an adult) back across America to attend college after Plan A (get a job) didn't work out. At Christmas! In the ice and snow! ;) I'm going to try my best not to play the mother;martyr-guilt trump card, but it will be tough ... Which all got me thinking about The Things We Do For Love and how when Jesus healed 10 lepers, just one came back to say thanks and maybe parenting is like that sometimes ... |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 12/18/2007 2:29:48 PM | show profile I worked a full-time job and freelanced full-time while finishing an MA all to support my husband after he lost his job and took a year to find another one. I didn't so much do it for love as I did because I felt sorry for him and I really had no other option than to take care of him. As far as love is concerned, I bought myself a leather Fendi bag this month...ahhh...what Donna Chang does for love... |
| voracious reader | Posted – 12/18/2007 6:05:26 PM | show profile Writesonwater...when dealt lemons...make lemonade! Repeat after me, "While driving the wild blue yonder, I WILL keep my mouth shut." Again, repeat, "While driving the wild blue yonder, I WILL keep my mouth shut," ....while, of course, enjoying the time spent with your wonderful, blessing of a child. As much as kids enjoy being with their friends rather than being with their families, those road trips, when they can't get away from you are really a gift. Take a deep breath, Writesonwater, bring some great CDs, and enjoy the ride! Good luck, keep a sense of humor, and have a very, very, happy holiday to you and to the rest of the MB posters as well! This too shall pass! By the way... regarding my friend's children, alcoholism is a family disease that affects all the members, so my friend's kids response is pretty common. While this is no excuse for their behavior, it is just an extreme example of being in denial and enabling. Sadly, the bottom line is sometimes by helping too much the people we love can have awful consequences. |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 12/18/2007 6:43:49 PM | show profile I'm a fan of tough love...your kid screws up...let him fall flat on his face until he figures out how to get up. |
| Mag Girl | Posted – 12/18/2007 7:04:31 PM | show profile Oh, Donna- I so want to do tough love with my sister. But sadly, someone always picks up her pieces for her and hands them back to her along with a Coach purse and a BMW. Sigh. |
| Bleak Spouse | Posted – 12/18/2007 10:40:19 PM | show profile Love I recently had a friend ask me if I'd help her move, and said "As penance for owning the stupid possessions that you do, you should carry all that shit on your own back and not burden other people because you like to buy useless stuff." She said, "It's all necessaries. Like a bed." And I said: "Oh. Well, I just don't feel like helping." Her reaction was to disown me as a friend until the earth burns into the sun. |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 12/18/2007 11:30:55 PM | show profile Mag...I use tough love on my cats all the time, and I have them trained pretty well. Just because they stand by the water dispenser and meow does not mean I will give them fresh water; I will wait until I am good and ready.* So, they know better than to meow now. See...it works. *I am not cruel to animals. I understand cats need fresh water often, and I do give them fesh water three times a day. But one cat (Othello...the smart one) insists on fresh water every hour I am home, and I've had to exhibit lots of tough love...He also prefers ice cubes in the water...and the water should be filtered...okay, perhaps I am trained. |
| wineaux | Posted – 12/19/2007 10:14:23 AM | show profile Cats are so smart. And narcissistic. I'm ready to heave my beast of a dog into the snow after what he pulled this morning. He took a whole chicken carcass (almost all of the meat was taken off of it for stock) and dragged it in the living room onto the persian rug to chaw on. I walked in the door after taking the kids to school to that vision. I agree with Larry David. Havving a dog in the house is like liviing with a bum. |
| wineaux | Posted – 12/19/2007 10:17:27 AM | show profile Oh, and my tough love for my rotten dog was to put him out in the snowy yard. He's skulking around, looking at the house in this forlorn way. As much of a brute as he is, he spends most of his time in the house, lounging like the King of Siam. And to think, I rescued his sorry ass from the County Pound in L.A. I'm gonna have to get that rug cleaned, and it's going to cost a fortune. Damn...... And Bleak, you are naughty, naughty, naughty......... |
| writesonwater | Posted – 12/21/2007 2:06:33 AM | show profile Oh these are great stories. And i love that about living with a dog is like living with a bum. I am writing to you from a Days Inn in Memphis Tenn. We are two-thirds of the way home. I did happen to bring a batch of books on tape which he, like any 25 year old going on 15 would, initially poohpoohed and turns out he likes enough to take his ipod earplugs out. One small step. He is a trooper of a driver which is good as I suck at distance driving. I have been working on keeping my mouth shut which as my posts show is hard for me. Thanks for the reminder that: This too shall pass! His brother gave him a Garmin for Christmas and it's incredible -- we haven't cracked open a single map. I predict everyone will have one of these and soon. This is bigger than the pocket calculator which I also remember never expecting to own. Donna, I agree on the tough love. I will tell you that when we were at the lake and this kid was 1, he wanted to follow me into the lake as I went for a swim. (He was well supervised.) He came in on all fours, chin as high as possible. He would have drowned in a trice. I was astonished at his misplaced pigheadedness. Sink or swim only works with those technically able to swim. If they have other things going on, we must take the long way around. My husband is always talking about tough love, in part because our Alpha Dog son was so self-sufficient and successful. But kids are different. I think I will remind him of the two times a relative helped us with a downpayment for a house and the one time my father paid my hospital bill after an emergency C-section, the two times his brother helped us move across country, the time my sister came to stay in the strange city I was in hospital at, and washed my hair while I was bedridden there, and brought me real food. Goodness what cases we have been! These things didn't make us dependent --they did make us grateful. And if we are to pay it forward, charity should at the least start at home, no? Thanks for all the helpful and thoughtful advice. What a nice community this can be. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 12/22/2007 12:43:39 AM | show profile Lunch at B.B. Kings on Beale St. in Memphis -- this incredible dish that involved a slab of grilled salmon atop a shrimp/sausage/tomato/corn creamy lime base (if that's possible -- that's what it tasted like.) Then a horse-drawn carriage ride around the city's amazing core and down to the river. Now I want to move to Memphis. Still, it's good to be back home. Project Get Son To Finish College Starting in January kicks in to high gear after Christmas ... |
| voracious reader | Posted – 12/22/2007 9:17:45 AM | show profile writesonwater...sounds to me like... you're washing down your adventure with a pitcher of lemonade! :) |
| merry_me | Posted – 12/22/2007 12:59:33 PM | show profile Congrats WOW Added Bonus - Looks like you made it home early so you won't have to miss calling your Mom on Christmas like you thought you would. Now you get to surprise her! |
| writesonwater | Posted – 12/22/2007 3:45:27 PM | show profile Indeed -- the lemonade pitcher is very full! Yes, I will get to call my mom on Christmas eve -- it's the little things! I was at this tiny little Steel Magnolias-style beauty salon this morning -- new to me as my usual couldn't fit me in in a pinch -- and I felt like I had gone through a wormhole into the movie. There was hot wassail with rum and plenty of happy trashtalk. Santa stopped by, with his un-Claus-like wife, and sat for pictures as a favor to the stylists who had their kids and grandkids happen to be there. He owed the favor because they bleach his beard, which was his his own, in time for the little town parade and school visits each year. I will go back -- I love the extreme Texas accents and the recipes for crock pot candy and even the extreme poufy hair (she used four products) was a hoot and I am pretty sure it will wash out. |
