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Topic: Weening off vacation friend?
| Author | Message |
| bettyxyz | Posted – 1/24/2008 8:03:25 PM | show profile [deleted by original poster] |
| Printingman | Posted – 1/24/2008 9:12:19 PM | show profile Easy fix. Get married |
| catlondon | Posted – 1/24/2008 10:02:34 PM | show profile So you're kind of a weight snob aren't you? There was no reason to mention her (bad) weight vs. your (look at me...I'm so fit and so much morally better) weight. Maybe she won't miss you...maybe she's just inviting you because she's afraid to hurt your feelings...maybe when you say you can't go, she'll secretly jump up and down and say "yesssss! Thank god my vacation won't be a check off vacation as I'm death-marched through the city." These things work both ways. And seriously, are you so passive that you couldn't say, 'Tuesday afternoon I'm going to X museum. Do want to come or just chill in the room? I'm planning to take a bus/train/cab." Just say sorry, " Can't make it, but I hope you have a good time." |
| writesonwater | Posted – 1/24/2008 11:54:15 PM | show profile It would be co-dependent to be unable to see a city's fun without her by your side, especially since your styles are so different. You might tell her that it doesn't make sense to travel together when your styles are so different.Maybeyou should beg off on the Vegas trip, instead of like wanting to hang with everyone but her, since it's her birthday. Just say, without inflaming it, that you just need to go somewhere where there's action, action, action and lots of museums. It sounds like her idea of getting away is getting R and R and yours is going full steam ahead. You needn't get personal about her weight, or how she's clearly not a morning person -- aka, The Sluggishness. Hot tip: there may be medical issues that contribute to her overweight, which in turn probably makes walking genuinely difficult, and watching movies safe and fun. If your friend realized you continued to befriend her for pity, she might be a) mortified or b) relieved to see you finally strike out on your own. I'm guessing she can find someone who has more in common with her. Regardless, harping from the fit seldom won real gains for people struggling with weight issues. Just find some other museum junkies to travel with, and be kind as you continue to keep in touch. If you sever things quickly or ugly, you may be forcing friends to choose between the two of you. And if they're willing to go to Vegas with her for her birthday, that leaves you odd girl out. |
| jr_designer | Posted – 1/25/2008 9:55:05 AM | show profile I would be up front with her about it. Your meaning of vacation is obviously not the same as hers and I think you would both enjoy vacations more with other people. Like another poster said, she may feel the same tension about going on vacation with you but doesn't know how to bring it up either. She may keep asking you to go for the same reason you keep saying yes. In my opinion, the more you keep this in, the more it can hurt your friendship in the long run. |
| caitlinkelly | Posted – 1/25/2008 9:59:33 AM | show profile It depends how badly you want to stay friends. Traveling with **anyone** is a compromise, even if you're madly in love, as few people have exactly the same tastes, schedules and habits. I typically peel off from my travel partner, whether fiance, family or friend, for at least a few hours every day, to go do my thing and vice versa. Everyone needs to relax, have fun, have some privacy. Maybe you can keep traveling with her and enjoy her company in the evenings? It depends on her level of comfort with independence as well -- some women travelers get really nervous if left to their own devices in an unfamiliar place. Time for a full and frank discussion about what you both love to do and how you can both enjoy these trips. No one likes traveling with a (resentful) martyr. |
| wineaux | Posted – 1/25/2008 1:17:33 PM | show profile Ditto what Caitlyn said. To thine own self be true. I often travel with groups who have very, very different ideas about what a vacation should be. I usually just go off and do my thing if they lag too much, or want to be an overboard type-A with a mile long list of to-do's. It's all about sticking up for your right to enjoy your vacation on your own terms. If she wants to lounge in bed during her time off, cheerfully tell her while she watches Sixteen Candles you will be at the museum and she can meet you at lunch somewhere. I'm heading out later this afternoon for a skii trip with a huge group, and I know I'll be spending a lot of time alone. Fine by me!!! The majority of them get up at 6, skii till noon, gobble a lunch down and head back out to the mountain until the resort closes. No frickin' thank you! I want a nice breakfast, I'll skii till lunch, have a leisurely lunch and a drinky poo, then I'll skii for a little while and head for a hot tub. Or maybe read a book. I like my trips to be slow paced. Maybe a hike would be nice. Or some cross country skiing, rather than whipping down a jam-packed hill. I had to fight for that right, since the husband wanted me to go and do what he does. It's your vacation. It's her vacation. There has to be a compromise somewhere in between. |
| gimmemags | Posted – 1/25/2008 1:21:30 PM | show profile I love my sister, but we're not ideal travel partners. Her idea of vacation is lolling around on the beach. Mine is getting up super early to see the sights, museums, tours, etc. So we just had to realize that we can only take certain kinds of trips together. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you guys had a trip you could compromise on. |
| nandy | Posted – 1/25/2008 4:32:30 PM | show profile I agree with the posters that say let her down easy but honestly. It must have been as clear to her as it was to you that you had different things in mind to do. I've traveled with relatives whose inner clocks were set a whole 12 hours differently than mine. It bothered me a lot, at first, and then I got into the habit of just getting up and doing my own thing during the day while they slept. As long as you don't expect to have them as a sightseeing buddy, you can make it work by arranging for your own local transportation. And it happens that sometimes a travel buddy has on "off" period when they would rather be cocooning. I went on a short trip last Spring with a friend, and about half-way through I just needed a day to watch a movie and go to bed early (it may have been the half-marathon I was going to do the next day, LOL) while she wanted to hit all the parties. |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 1/25/2008 9:23:01 PM | show profile You are not a weight snob! Some people who carry around a lot of extra lbs just can't physically handle it very well; some can. The ones who can't, well, it affects their lifestyle a bit and can make them sluggish and lazy. Imagine carrying around an extra 50 or 75 lb backpack all day...anyone would feel a little slow and tired, too. Geesh, the damn fat movement is making people forget that being overweight can contribute to a lower quality of life and health risks. |
| catlondon | Posted – 1/28/2008 12:21:03 PM | show profile Donna: I believe you're the one who confessed to an eating disorder? So maybe you're not the the best authority to speak about weight issues? |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 1/28/2008 2:59:57 PM | show profile Actually, Cat, I have recovered mostly after therapy with multiple physicians, which, I think gives me more of a platform to make such a statement as I have. If you think a 5'5" woman weighing 180 is healthy...think again. No doctor would advocate such a thing. And, because the poster said this person is very overweight, I wouldn't doubt her friend weighs more. I think Americans are into this "It's okay to fat" movement because society is constantly shoving food in our face, and it is difficult and nearly impossible to resist. So, we go ahead and say...."hey...I am 50 pounds ooverweight...and that's okay because I'm me and I'm American." And, I don't think that's right. |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 1/28/2008 3:08:16 PM | show profile Yeah, yeah, yeah...The Donna Chang made typos... I posted on a reduced screen, and I also never learned how to type... |
| Mirage | Posted – 1/28/2008 5:08:28 PM | show profile Find a new travel partner! I agree that you do NOT sound like a "weight snob." I have two very overweight friends, both of whom complain about walking a block or two to go to a restaurant or a movie. I can't imagine traveling with either of them. And for the record, I don't consider wanting to see ONE museum a fast-paced, "check-off" vacation. It's not like you were up at the crack of dawn, brandishing an itinerary at her! Lazing around a hotel room until 12:30, watching movies that could be seen at home, would drive me nuts. People need to stop being so overly PC. |
| catlondon | Posted – 1/28/2008 5:36:08 PM | show profile How lovely for the overweight that they have so much power that they can keep the fit and slim from leaving a hotel room on their own to see museum. Evidently when you're fit and slim you have less room for a backbone. If the OP isn't having a good time she is as much to blame as the person she is traveling with, but it's easier to blame it all on the other person--no matter what her weight. Get real. |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 1/28/2008 6:55:10 PM | show profile I agree that the poster should have not let someone else's fat hold her back. She should have said something or let her friend loaf around in the room while she did what she needed to do to have a good vacation experience. |
| foto | Posted – 1/28/2008 8:32:43 PM | show profile I have to agree with Donna. There's something completely out of control in this country when it comes to food. Fast food, junk food, snack food. Last week I went into a fedex store to ship a package and saw they have a candy and snack food rack next to the counter. This is a sensitive topic and I tread carefully, but it must be said, there is a food insanity in this country. It was very startling to me on a recent trip to Disney Orlando, what happening to Americans. We no longer get our food from local grocery stores and markets. We eat the food processed by large corporations in the form of chain restaurants, processed supermarket foods and convenience foods which mostly contain high levels of fat and salt or sugar because those things taste good to us and the corporations are obviously interested in profit, not health. It seems that every time I go into a drug store, more and more shelf space is taken up with candy and snack foods. And Donna's right about another thing, its nearly impossible to resist. I definately have my addictions. Individuals have weight issues for many reasons, both genetic and lifestyle. But for society as a whole, we have to be more concerned. |
| Canadiana | Posted – 1/28/2008 8:53:40 PM | show profile Are Americans just realizing this now? Here in Canada we're constantly bombarded with "are you getting your 7 servings of vegetables a day?" and "Don't let your kids watch more than X amount of TV per day or they'll get fat" messages on TV, radio, internet, and through government, work, etc. I agree with most of this propoganda but it's nothing new. Everyone knows that cutting back on salt, fat, junk and exercising (preferably outdoors) is the key to a healthy life. |
| Thabit | Posted – 1/29/2008 11:43:46 AM | show profile fat acceptance bloggers Don't mean to keep hijacking the thread, but I was fascinated by the NYT's "fat acceptance bloggers" story last week -- a lot of them dispute weight charts, BMIs etc., but I wondered, if you're 50 pounds overweight, how comfortable can you be? I don't mean with your image or what other people think of you, but how tedious it must be to haul around that much extra weight, period...Must be because my yoga teacher's always yammering on about "coming home into your body" etc., the one overweight woman in the class -- younger than most -- seems to have great difficulty moving at all. Anyway, the story: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/22/health/22fblogs.html |
| Cyrus | Posted – 1/29/2008 11:56:17 AM | show profile You can solve some of these issues by just having separate time periods during the day when you go your own way. Often, traveling with somebody else -- and yes, that can even include your wife/husband -- will mean that you will need a break from one another for at least a part of each day. Not saying that alone will solve all your issues with her, but it's a start. As far as walking, people who don't live in major cities just don't do it and think it's crazy, so I'm not surprised she'd say that. But she should be willing to meet you in the middle sometimes and walk distances that she can handle. All that said, if you truly don't have much in common, then traveling together will be difficult. I did it with a friend before I was married and it's amazing the things you learn about one another when you spend a compressed period of time together in new surroundings. It's often a situation where you'll find out you don't have as much in common as you thought you did. ------ Cyrus Afzali Astoria Communications www.astoriacomm.com |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 1/29/2008 3:17:48 PM | show profile Oh, Cyrus, I have a crush on your professionalism. |
