| Back to Home > Bulletin Board > O/T Off Topic > Topic: I Just Got Hit On. Advice please? |
Topic: I Just Got Hit On. Advice please?
| Author | Message |
| Village Gal | Posted – 5/16/2008 10:01:09 AM | show profile NP, What an inappropriate comment. You sound bittter. Says more about you than the OP. Janet, it does sounds a bit odd but is it any weirder than meeting someone on the internet? If you do meet him, be careful. You got some good tips here. |
| Mag Girl | Posted – 5/16/2008 10:14:05 AM | show profile Are we sure this is the same "not priveledged" ? The "d" is missing from this one's screen name. |
| mad fingers | Posted – 5/16/2008 10:43:55 AM | show profile Mag Girl: I hope you are right. If someone appropriated NP's moniker, shame on them. Otherwise NP, if you are truly this unhappy with the neighborhood, as others have said, maybe it's time to move on. Janet: I too say go with your gut but be safe. Also: I know it's dangerous to generalize, but men from Meath (in my experience, which is longterm and firsthand) can be charming, but they have a different set of rules from us Yanks that really don't favor women. |
| UGoGirl | Posted – 5/16/2008 10:47:40 AM | show profile Definitely lunch or coffee... this guy may be fine, but from your recount of his approach it seems to have a strong sexual overtone. I would approach this guy with caution... if he seems overly eager to move on with the physical phase of the relationship this could just be a guy who gets off literally on the conquest. |
| caitlinkelly | Posted – 5/16/2008 11:06:58 AM | show profile One of the challenges for the freshly divorced is starting to (re) define what *is* your "perfect man"...We all have qualities we find really attractive and can jump quickly when we see or hear them in a friendly stranger. This is as much a question of habit as anything. |
| jjones | Posted – 5/16/2008 12:54:09 PM | show profile I don't know, JBE 1. You are too soon out of your marriage. Need a little more time to heal, I think. 2. "You have the bluest eyes I've ever seen," is a little creepy to me... a little too come-on-ish. 3. Maybe e-mail with him for a while? 4. Or meet in a group? You bring a friend, he brings a friend? 5. I don't see any harm in meeting in a public place if you feel safe and don't yet give out too much personal info about yourself. |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 5/16/2008 1:22:31 PM | show profile Go for it, Janet! Bring a stun gun just in case if you are at all worried. But opening up yourself to new experiences and possibilities will be so fun for you. Enjoy! Hey...whatever happened to your "boss of love"? |
| cori | Posted – 5/16/2008 1:39:27 PM | show profile swamped still, but needed to check in, again Just had ato log on again and see what other advice JBE received. Did I miss something, or did MB finally have the decency to yank an inappropriate post from NP. I read all the negative comments concerning that post, but could not find it. Hopefully, the better ones will support you, Janet, in your entry back into the dating world. Good luck and what a shame that people cannot be more civil and supportive -- I refer to anyone who posted negatively. Where would this board be without JBE and her wonderful way of connectig us all? |
| catlondon | Posted – 5/16/2008 1:52:59 PM | show profile Janet: It doesn't have to be a food/drink related event. You could go to a museum or a public garden that's in bloom. Sort of a "I was going to see the Degas exhibit this Saturday, if you want to meet me there." That way you'll have something else to legitimately stare at during conversational lulls. And if you ask him and he says, "Eeewwww" you've learned something important. And museums have security guards. |
| beenthere | Posted – 5/16/2008 2:13:01 PM | show profile I actually like the food/drink as a first date/meeting because you watch the guy interact with the servers, and see if he leaves a decent tip. This says a lot about how a person treat others. I would never date anyone who was rude to a server. Also, go with your gut!!!! You are the best judge of what is right for you. I've also found that there is no right way to meet someone. I did it all?online dating (all the men I dated just wanted sex), volunteered, joined a gym, got active in a political organization, had friends set me up. Nothing. Then I met my sweetheart in a dive-y bar. Go figure. Our first little one is on the way (I'm due in November), and we will be getting married this summer. Do what makes you feel comfortable--whether someone else thinks it's weird is irrelevant. Have an open mind, be safe, but go with your instinct. We've all met people we've liked instantly and also those who have made us want to run in the other direction. Remember, the first meeting is only just a lunch/drink/ whatever. No pressure. Have faith in yourself, have fun, and do not take it all so seriously. |
| PluckyPane | Posted – 5/16/2008 2:17:57 PM | show profile janet, sorry i don't know you as well as the other posters, but i've learned from this thread that you are recently divorced and ready to date. from a man, i say go out and have a good time. stop thinking about it so much and just go. yeah you have to be concerned about creeps but the guy gave you his biz card and you googled. so go call the dude and set a coffee date. i think women overthink the motive of a guy. don't get all nuts with a new outfit or a crazy new hairdo. he met you pumping gas for christ's sake. just go out and have a good time without thinking any further than that minute. ladies, go easy on me. i'm just offering a man's perspective here. |
| df | Posted – 5/16/2008 2:48:03 PM | show profile a point of view from an outsider Hi janet, I just thought I write again, because I always feel really really deeply sorry and worried about my American girlfriends and the very complicated dating thing. as a non American free wheeling Euro (well not exactly any more, but there have been some exciting times) I am convinced you guys over here overthink the whole thing. just relax. its the best way to go though life anyway. yes its a guy, yes he hit on you, actually what you should be thinking: wow, great! I obviously look great in $7 kmarts, what would happen if I had worn Pradas? because that's most likely all it is. a guy saw a pretty girl, sympathetic looking, and thought - why not talk to her? I mean if you call him its a drink (or coffee or something) or maybe/hopefully good free (protected) sex? whatever (and I mean that in a good way). not a big deal. what's a big deal is that we enjoy live, get out there, meet people, take some risks, gain something, loose something and so on. what really would be bad - if you think about it so much, and don't act and then always think what if he was the one who got away? see nothing is worse then chances not taken, and missed opportunities. and if it doesn't work out, so what. he thinks you are pretty, have glorious blue eyes and look good in $7 shoes. not bad for a start, in my book. |
| beenthere | Posted – 5/16/2008 2:52:55 PM | show profile Plucky and df, I agree 100% with both of you. Janet, go have some fun! |
| WordyBird | Posted – 5/16/2008 3:41:07 PM | show profile Someone tried to hit on me at the pump not long ago, too, so it happens. As others have said, go with your gut. But I'll add that maybe it would be wise to give your gut a day or two to speak up. The only thing that would bug me--and this is probably personal preference--is that I generally don't respond well to men whose first suggestion for a date involves alcohol. It would have been more impressive if he asked you to meet him for a cup of coffee, so you'd know for sure that he's not some smarmy type who tries to get women drunk so he can get into their pants. Yes, yes, I'm a suspicious sort, but when I first started dating after my divorce, the number of absolute creeps out there shocked me--and I'm cynical to begin with. |
| wineaux | Posted – 5/16/2008 3:43:18 PM | show profile Plucky and df...very nicely put. Life is fleeting. Grab it by the juevos and insist on enjoying your travels. I spent way too much time while single agonizing over men's motives, when, now that I'm married, I realize it's all far simpler than all of my descontructing merited. Well? Have you called him? |
| Printingman | Posted – 5/16/2008 8:02:21 PM | show profile | email poster Ive been looking this NP comment, where is it I don't see it. Was it removed already? Kinda like driving by a bad car wreck and pretending not to look but you gotta look anyway. |
| hawkmail | Posted – 5/16/2008 9:20:23 PM | show profile Hey, Janet.....now that the steam is no longer coming out of my ears over NP's insulting you, I wanted to add my two cents. I am divorced and have been back in the dating pool for about six years, so I know how intoxicating and confusing it can be. One two year relationship and then many small hits and misses. I've done it all....fix ups, match, jdate. I strongly agree with what Caitlin had to say. I found myself looking for the things I was missing in my relationship with my husband and thinking I had found them in other people when I really didn't know them well enough to make that judgment. Getting too attached too soon to people who weren't right for me for any number of reasons. I know this may be TMI, but I found that jumping into a physical relationship too soon was a problem for me. Sex is the easy part, finding someone who is kind, compatible, etc., is much more difficult. Some people are great for a fling and some are relationship material - you've got to be clear about who is who and which one you want. As everyone else has said, there's no one "right" way to meet someone and our gut is rarely wrong. It's summer.... I say have some fun. Kiss some boys. See what happens. |
| HisGirlFriday | Posted – 5/19/2008 12:03:25 PM | show profile SO? What happened? :) |
| Janetblueyes | Posted – 5/19/2008 2:07:26 PM | show profile The update: I called him on Saturday and proceeded to listen to him for 45 minutes talk about himself, himself and then a little bit more about himself. He didn't once ask me what I did for a living or anything about my life. I'm a good listener but I found him quite boorish. Because I have a hard time saying no, (I don't like hurting people), I agreed to a lunch date today. Fortunately, he called an hour ago to cancel. I have no plans of rescheduling or calling him back. Love at the pump tanked and that's o.k. Thanks to all of you for your very wise advice and concern. I think I am just going to lay low for a while. I'm really not that great of a catch at the moment and need to just take a deep breath and be. |
| Mag Girl | Posted – 5/19/2008 2:31:36 PM | show profile Horrors! Don't say that- we think you're always a catch :) Just smile at the fact a man found you attractive...a passing compliment. Because he had no manners doesn't make it any less so! |
| beenthere | Posted – 5/19/2008 2:51:56 PM | show profile Because I have a hard time saying no, (I don't like hurting people), I agreed to a lunch date today. --------- Get used to it. What I mean is this-- some people like pineapple cake. Some like carrot cake, others prefer flan, some only like chocolate chip cookies. Relationships are the same way. It is not necessarily an insult just because you don't click with someone, or he with you. I'm sure there is a girl out there who would love the fact that this guy talked and talked and talked. It didn't click with you. As long as you don't go out of your way to hurt anyone's feelings, it is what it is. Don't ever feel pressured to date just because you are afraid to hurt someone's feelings. I would feel horrible knowing that's why a guy went out with me. We all get hurt, and we all disappoint others. Politeness and honesty can go a long way. Until we find that perfect chocolate chip cookie. :) |
| pholiday | Posted – 5/19/2008 3:24:53 PM | show profile JBE-- Sounds like fate intervened in the perfect way, since the douche bag canceled. You handled it perfectly by calling and chatting. It is the best way to weed out the losers. You can tell so much about a man in a short conversation--especially with those who only care to talk about themselves. Sounds like this guy is overly confident (hence asking you out at the pump) and very self centered. Knocking him down a peg couldn't hurt...by saying something like, "I am glad that we talked but I just don't think we have much in common." With that said, it is kind of a great way to meet someone. After all, you hold the cards since he doesn't know anything about you. Dating is such a fickle game. Keep playing JBE, you seem pretty good at it. |
| caitlinkelly | Posted – 5/19/2008 6:03:19 PM | show profile This is exactly why I am -- having never met you -- concerned about the choices you, JBE, freshly divorced, might now make...Being afraid to "hurt" a total stranger tells me it's not a great time to be out there in the rough and tumble (and, yes it is) of NYC-area dating. He wasn't afraid to bore the crap put of you! I ended up dating a con man -- yes -- when I was at my lowest post-divorce ebb. Suffice to say my life became, for a while, a living hell. They seek out, and always find, people who are needy, vulnerable, unsure of themselves and their boundaries. It has nothing to do with your intelligence or education; it's about where you are emotionally and where you wish to be. And don't tell me how easy it is to spot one. It's not. And then, if you make allowances or over-rule your gut because what if you offend someone (instead of protecting yourself), you're screwed. Date, cautiously. Set your boundaries and **keep them** until you are really safe enough to change or withdraw them; they are protective of your psyche, body and finances. Read an excellent book by Gavin deBecker called The Gift of Fear. It is smart, practical and would have saved me a great deal of grief. |
| voracious reader | Posted – 5/19/2008 6:16:06 PM | show profile I'd say JBE's "gut test" worked fabulously well. She spoke on the phone, or should I say, he spoke on the phone with her, and suffice to say, there wasn't any "high octane" fuel, except on his part. Seems like his spark plugs need to be cleaned too, because they're misfiring. JBE, don't lament or second guess yourself. You're delightfully human, like the rest of us, and our foibles make us all endearing. Don't forget, if you're going to spend time reading on the beach this summer, read Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving. I found my copy in the attic a few weeks ago and reread it - and so did my mother, who happened to be visiting. She loved it too! |
| Mag Girl | Posted – 5/19/2008 6:26:30 PM | show profile caitlin, good points...very good points. A lot of people, myself included, don't always make good dating choices when newly hurt/broken up. |
