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Topic: Should I have Kid #2?
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| HisGirlFriday | Posted – 5/19/2008 11:29:01 PM | show profile In the spirit of JBE's recent request for love advice, I present the following: I am flummoxed over the question of whether I should have a second kid. After almost 5 years of "absolutely not," I'm thinking "maybe yes." You out there - with the kids separated by six years, the ones who will admit they have a tinge of regret over the second one, the ones who wish they could have a second, etc: What do YOU think? As a start: I'm an only and loved being an only child - not so much being an only adult child. (Who else will remember Mom's noodles when she's gone; no one else to care for them as they age.) Husband is a laid-back Devil may care Irishman who says could go either way. Which is actually helpful. Pros: - Kid would have sibling to bitch with as a grownup. Possibly have close, intimate lifelong relationship. (Or not.) - What if I always regret it if I don't? - Love the idea of genetic roulette. Kid is genetic replica of dad; what if I got one like me? Or another one of him? LOVE, love, love this idea. I love her so much and think it would be amazing to have another chance to love another creature like this. Biggest draw. - Loved pregnancy and nursing. - Husband has better job than when we had kid, more money, less time away. Would make it easier to keep freelancing. - Kid is still in my bed at night anyway. Why not add another? - Since kid is older; would not be like having "two under two." Kid is actually big help around the house - would love fetching diapers, toys, etc. Kid would be in school all day giving me work time and baby time. Cons: - Go back to diapers? Nursing round the clock? Colic? Baby proofing. Holy crap. - Had BAD postpartum depression; despised newborn stage. Felt like human again only after 3 months. - Six year age gap likely eliminates "they'll entertain each other," thing. Or if I get a boy. - Don't want a boy. (Yes, awful to say, but true.) - Most days feeling like sanity hangs by a thread, how could I cope with two. (I'm a Libra so it's all about balance.) - Finances: tight already. House, small. Schools suck. Private school tuition - expensive - Marital harmony. Often shaky. Big arguments about child rearing. (Essentially he think's I've got an iron boot; I say he's an overindulgent pushover.) - Anyone will watch one kid for an afternoon - no one would take two. (We rely on neighbors/friends/family for babysitting.) - What if Something Bad Happens? (I'm 35.) - How could I bring another child into the world unless I'm totally sure? So. What say you? |
| HisGirlFriday | Posted – 5/19/2008 11:49:00 PM | show profile Oh wait ... forgot this: Pro - Gloriously big boobs. Con - Husband constantly making comments like "I need some more milk for my coffee ... " and wanting to actually touch said gloriously big boobs. |
| wineaux | Posted – 5/20/2008 12:09:37 AM | show profile My knee-jerk thought is that only you and your husband together can really come up with the right answer. But, I can give my two cents, as I have two. I'm a Libra too! And I noticed so very many of your issues are ones I can relate to or have experienced first-hand. I agree that the infant stage completely sucks in several aspects. But, thankfully, it is so short. With my second, I tried hard to enjoy the newborn stage more and actually did. I just told myself I'd be sleep deprived for a few months and would be going through 10,000 diapers and onesie changes. Looking back, I am not so sure my decision to have mine close together was as well-thought as I had assumed. I had a newborn and a toddler, and it was often hectic, frustrating and stressful, since infants and toddlers go through so many changes and stages and need so much individual attention. Had my son been six, I think he would have sometimes been a huge help with the baby, I would have gotten a lot more sleep and he could have done a lot of things on his own that would have given me more time to devote to the baby. Additionally, I wouldn't have been so tortured by his many terrible two tantrums that set the baby to a high-pitched wail as well. But, they are so close in age that they often play and interact quite well. Sure, they squabble. A lot. But, for the most part they really are very close and protective of each other. I think they will be very close as adults. I don't think 35 is a scary age to have kids. I have so many friends who have had children well past the age of 40. I have the exact same marital harmony thing you have, and unfortunately, that's often the way it is. I'm constantly telling the husband we need a united front, or the two are very good at dividing and conquring. I think it's one of the biggest problems in our marriage. We were raised so differently, and does it ever show when our two squabble or do something they shouldn't have. I wish I had a more positive answer for you on that one, but I'm just not accomplishing much with my stubborn Mick, either. The finance thing is tough. I previously lived where the public schools sucked and double tuition really hit us hard. We actually made it a point to move to a place where they could go to public schools, as the cost became far too prohibitive. You've got a great opportunity as a writer to work from home. I know I've been very fortunate to still take care of my children and have a part-time career. The older they are getting, the more work I am able to take on. It's great that you have the ability as a freelancer to keep your hat in the ring. |
| UGoGirl | Posted – 5/20/2008 10:55:52 AM | show profile What a big decision you have to make, and not an easy one. You seem to be approaching this with your eyes wide open, and realistic to the pluses and minuses. I can't really add much, except to say that I have two kids who are pretty close in age and I'd say the pluses are greater than the minuses (pluses are they love each other and play together, minuses are they do sometimes fight and there are jealousy/attention issues). I used to always think it was kind of unkind for people to only have one kid, but now I've changed my tune. I see lots of people I know who only have 1 kid and the kid turns out fine, usually great. The kid gets lots of attention, more people having only 1 kid so it's not such a stigma as it used to be. At the other end, we saw a beautiful family with 5 kids at the beach the other day. The father had his big cross necklace on to show the world... When I see these large families, I can't help wondering what they are thinking?? Do they think we have unlimited resources to support this kind of population growth? I know that they really aren't being intentionally irresponsible, but rather that they just aren't fully aware of these issues. But I feel encouraged when I see more and more people having 2, 1, or 0 kids. Truth be told, I think 1 kid per couple is ideal in that respect... So that's just me on my soapbox... |
| rozwrite | Posted – 5/20/2008 11:05:36 AM | show profile Well, you have laid out the pros and cons clearly. In the long run, it comes down to you and if you're emotionally ready. I don't think 35 is an age when you have to worry about the physical aspect, I had my first at 31. I have 2, 2 years apart and they "entertain" each other. However, it was hell with the initial adjustment of sibling rivalry. My husband and his sibling are 6 1/2 years apart. They have a close relationship and both got the benefits of being only children at crucial points (my husband for 6 years, his brother for his adolescencewhen hubby was gone to college). I think it is important for children to have someone else, as children and adults. For what it's worth, money can be tight and your relationship rocky, either way. Go with your gut and what you really feel ready for. |
| aj | Posted – 5/20/2008 12:26:52 PM | show profile | email poster Do it! There's nothing better than a sibling. and re postpartum, diaper change, colic and everything else that gets out of sync: LEXIPRO! |
| beenthere | Posted – 5/20/2008 12:38:24 PM | show profile i can relate from a few perspectives. I'm 36 and my first is due in November. It's been tough to work, the exhaustion is nothing at all like I expected. It's harder on your body as you get older, but--and this is my own opinion--I think a lot of the risks are overstated. Pregnancy is risky for everyone, and you need to take care of yourself, see your doc regularly, and keep yourself informed. My sister and I are 1 year apart, to the day, same b-day. My fiance and his brother are 6 years apart. Big, big differences in our respective relationships. My sister and I drive each other crazy, but can also call anytime and say remember when? Who was that guy at Aunties' bbq that summer? It was tough growing up sometimes, we shared a room until we were in high school, but I can't imagine growing up without her. We act as each others' memory. My fiance and his brother aren't that close--yet. They have very different memories growing up. His brother is younger and finances were a lot better for his parents after his brother was born, so there is some unresolved animosity there. They are 23 and 29 now, so I'm hoping as they get older they will get closer. They also lost their mother this past October, and were able to lean on each a little. He also remembers the birth of his brother, even being in the delivery room with his mom, which I think is pretty cool. Since his mom is gone, we also have no support as far as extra hands for child care. It'll be just me and him, trying not to drive each other crazy. |
| Bleak Spouse | Posted – 5/20/2008 1:59:01 PM | show profile I think the only way to decide if you should have a second child is to count the votes here from complete strangers, and if there are more yeses than nos, you should have another child. |
| Mag Girl | Posted – 5/20/2008 2:15:51 PM | show profile Ha, Bleak. How does your husband feel about having another kid? |
| libbylondon | Posted – 5/20/2008 2:34:36 PM | show profile I can only address the age difference thing - I have a brother six years older and another six years younger, and for us, the age differences worked really well. My mom said it was like having three only children in the sense that we were never at the same stage so we weren't competing with each other at all. Despite the age difference we still entertained each other - I played soldiers with my older brother and made my younger brother have tea parties with me. Now that we are all adults (almost 20, 26, 32) we all get along really well and hang out whenever we are all back home. The age difference also means you'll always have a babysitter available once the older one is 11 or 12. Obviously there's a lot more involved in the decision. Just wanted to let you know that the age difference doesn't have to be a con, and I wouldn't let that stop you if you would otherwise have another. |
| HisGirlFriday | Posted – 5/20/2008 2:43:50 PM | show profile Ha! Bleak - yes - that's what I'm going to do! With the votes so far, it looks like I'm having that second kid ... Mag: Husband feels exactly the same way I do - same pros and cons. It's not that he's abdicating responsibility, chucking it to me to decide. He just knows that I will feel that regret more strongly. And that I will shoulder much of the burden, especially in the beginning. But he's also just kind of one of those up for anything guys: If I said, "Hey, lets sell everything we own and live in an RV," he'd say "OK, sure." Good advice from wineaux, ugo, roz, aj and beenthere ... thank you ... especially about the anti-depressants. Forgot to add to the pro column that you always feel more confident the second time around. Forgot to add to the con column that it will be much harder to travel with two kids. - oh, and interesting the experiences of the two husbands who have siblings six years apart. I do worry that they wouldn't be close - and yet also agree that they would each get some "only child" benefits. I just worry that I will always regret either decision to some degree ... which is worse? Regretting having another child or regretting NOT having another one? |
| Stanley_Milgram | Posted – 5/20/2008 4:45:29 PM | show profile i was i could have advised you against having your first kid |
| Stanley_Milgram | Posted – 5/20/2008 4:46:02 PM | show profile i meant to say, "I wish I could have advised you against having your first kid." |
| HisGirlFriday | Posted – 5/20/2008 4:55:06 PM | show profile Oh Stanley, you silly bear. You've obviously never met *my* brilliant, always adorable, fantastic kid. Even when you're being pointlessly mean (here, with the recent political dust-ups) you're pretty funny ... |
| HisGirlFriday | Posted – 5/20/2008 5:06:05 PM | show profile Just saw your post too, libby ... interesting points ... I wonder what accounts for the difference in expereince between your family and beenthere's husband? What makes siblings with a big age gap close and what makes them feel at odds? Just differeces in personality? Circumstances? |
| Stanley_Milgram | Posted – 5/20/2008 5:20:50 PM | show profile nothing against your child, His. I'm sure he/she is all those things you say. I'm just with WC Fields on that issue (he, too, was pointlessly mean and often funny, come to think of it). As I've always said, "the things that pisses me off about pregnant woman and dog owners is that they both expect you to smile back at them." |
| Yam | Posted – 5/20/2008 8:17:40 PM | show profile Of all of the issues that you raised in your original post, the one that stands out most to me is the fact that you don't want a boy. You didn't say you'd "prefer" a girl or "hope for" a girl, but that you "don't want" a boy. Given statistics, what are your plans for dealing with the situation if you end up pregnant with a boy? It seems like your question really is: Should I have Daughter #2? And there's just no way to answer that. |
| Astera | Posted – 5/20/2008 8:30:32 PM | show profile Here's what worries me about your cons: "- Finances: tight already. House, small. Schools suck. Private school tuition - expensive - Marital harmony. Often shaky. Big arguments about child rearing. (Essentially he think's I've got an iron boot; I say he's an overindulgent pushover.) " If your marital harmony is shaky and your financial situation isn't on firm ground either, it might not be the best time to have another child. I know that there is never a "perfect time" to have a baby, but I'm sure you know that a new baby can put a big strain on even the best of marriages. I mean, if you felt that you absolutely were driven to have another child (boy or girl...you don't get to pick, and if you get a boy that you "don't want," you still have to love and care for him), then this decision would be easy for you. I realize that it's nice to get an outsider perspective and all, but are you really going to take the advice of perfect strangers on a bulletin board when it comes to a decision this big? Usually, my philosophy is that it's better to regret what you have done than what you haven't done, but I'm not sure if that's applicable in this case, especially since some of your cons are pretty serious. Of course, you may want to disregard everything I say. I don't have any children yet, although my husband and I are seriously pondering whether we are ready to try for our first. ------ www.adventuresofastera.blogspot.com |
| writesonwater | Posted – 5/20/2008 9:39:02 PM | show profile | email poster Some post-partum depression may be related to first child (overwhelming, etc.) I had it most with my first, even though my other two had medical complications. I had a third child almost 10 years after the first two close-together ones, and love it. More relaxed. Also, benefits in terms of empty nest shock. We'll really be ready for an empty nest by the time number three gets done ;) Medical risks can be legit, not to mention challenges conceiving. The finances sound good -- husband making more, you able to freelance. It was me? I'd go for it, but then if I had unlimited resources, I'd have had more than 3, most likely. I love the interaction part, I just dislike the extra work ;) Good luck! |
| HisGirlFriday | Posted – 5/21/2008 10:48:10 AM | show profile yam; yeah - not good on only wanting a girl, huh? I mean, I know that if I had a boy, genetics would kick in and I'd love him. I guess it's just a gut feeling. astera; you're right - the marital thing would have to be addressed. We have to learn how to argue and disagree without going nuclear all the time. And Stanley, you old SOB, you sent me to my quote book: Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. - WC Fields |
| jjones | Posted – 5/21/2008 12:10:55 PM | show profile if you have to ask then the answer is no |
| rhino writer | Posted – 5/21/2008 12:19:39 PM | show profile genetic roulette No real advice here, just a comment on genetic roulette. My sister has three kids. First one, normal. Second one has some dyslexia and ADD. Third one has *major* information-processing disorders, major ADD, all sorts of issues. She's 13 and reading at a 3rd grade level -- and this is after going to a special, horrendously expensive school with all the support she needs. I dread to think how their fourth child would turn out. You never know what you're going to get. I always think one shouldn't have a child unless one is absolutely longing to. Just a thought. |
| sue ellen mischke | Posted – 5/21/2008 5:32:07 PM | show profile I think you know the answer already if you are questioning it... |
| stldenise | Posted – 5/21/2008 7:05:29 PM | show profile I know exactly how you feel. I'm an only and had my first (ha!) son when I was 28, after being married 3 years to my college sweetie. I guess we took our time. I had to do daycare with #1 so I missed out on a lot. I HATED diapers and my boy took 4 freakin' years to figure out where the poop goes. I always said, ask me again when he's 5. I was pretty dead set against having another. Being an only, I knew that there's a lot of benifits to it - you get all the attention, all the gifts...blah blah blah. However, my hubby is one of three. And he kept NAGGING me about how it would be so great to have a girl. I know he was just teasing me, but... Finally I broke down. I was staying home with a kid in school and thought that it was a now or never thing. If I waited any longer I would be "too old" and I didn't think my hubby would ever let me live it down. So at 36 I went off birth control and thought, heck, maybe I'm not even fertile anymore. If God wants me to have another, so be it. WHAM. I got pregnate in about 3 months. I turned 37 a month before #2, yes, a BOY, was born. Perfect and healthy in every way. Parenting the 2nd time around isn't as bad. Part of the fear of motherhood is the unknown. You've got experience now, and better yet, your first kid is old enough that he's not hanging on you. He's old enough to reason with and maybe even help a little. Don't worry about the size of your house - the baby won't take up much room. You know what works and what doesn't and you don't have to fill your house with baby crap. You might be in a better postition to house shop before the kids need more space. (If ever, our grandparents lived in tiny houses!) Here are my PROS: 1) Boy #1 is old enough to watch the baby for short periods (like while I got to the bathroom or cook dinner). Of course, he's nine now and little brother is a year old. 2) Boy #1 got re-interested in toys. We gave the baby some Go-Bots from big brother, and #1 said, hey, I still like those and started playing with the baby. 3) Boy #1 can read to his little brother. 4) Boy #1 is in school, which means I get total baby time during the day and time with #1 after the baby sleeps. 5) The baby is giving us whole new reasons to go to the zoo, train museum and all that little kid stuff. 6) Boy #1 is practically self-suffient. I can point him in the right direction and he'll get stuff done without my help. 7) I have an excuse to not volunteer at school (can't take the baby on a field trip!) or not see that stupid movie (can't take the baby to the movie - dad will have to take you). See CON #3 - this works both ways. Here's my CONS (they may not effect you) 1)all my friends have school aged kids. Most people with babies are so much younger they feel like another generation. 2) Boy #1 still gave me grief about how I wasn't going to love him as much. It took a few months after the baby was born before he was sure that he hadn't been replaced. 3) Now I need babysitting to do "big guy" stuff with #1, like going to the movies, amusement park, Cub Scout camp, go carts. I was starting to really enjoy the freedom of having an older boy, I now I'm stuck with the stroller set again. Gee, that's really it. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 5/22/2008 2:49:26 AM | show profile Since when is marital harmony not shaky? As long as different people get married to each other, expect no perfect unions despite how nicely the Harlequin romance courtship ends in "happily ever after." As to medical, there are no guarantees -- but sooner is indeed less risky than later, so hedge your bets and start taking vitamins and folic acid now, a little free advice. When our third child was conceived, quite unintentionally, we were nevertheless delighted. I was 31, not old, but still it wasn't in my immediate plans. My middle son told me after his brother was born that he'd been worried that there wouldn't be enough love to go around, but he realized that with the new baby came a new supply and there was still plenty. Smart kid. Only children have advantages and disadvantages, same with siblings who have company. I felt strongly I wanted more than one, but that's me. One thing I'd say is that you know your husband's way of handling things; if he's ambivalent about having another kid, you don't want him holding that against you or the child. It would be a good thing to be in unison on, I should think. Good luck with your decision. Thanks for letting us share our ideas on it. |
