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Topic: Is this fishy to you?
| Author | Message |
| Canadiana | Posted – 6/8/2008 8:29:02 AM | show profile A friend has been dreaming of becoming a published novelist for years. She quit her job in broadcasting to write novels and, after five years and two "almosts" with other novels, she's just had the third book published in the UK. It comes out in Canada this month. Rewind to five years ago: I read my friend's drafts (at her request), I boosted her up when she was feeling down and hopeless, I sent her cards to raise her spirits and felt I was a really good and helpful friend. My novelist friend learned about a year ago that her last attempt was going to be published by a big house and was thrilled. I was utterly thrilled for her, too! I told all my friends and family and talked about her success to anyone that would listen. This friend told me I was the most supportive and excited out of all her friends about her success. (I hope all this "her" and "friend" wording is not confusing.) Fast forward: So, her novel is doing well in the UK and she's going on a book tour in Canada to promote it here. Not only did she not tell me that she was coming to my home town (a mutual friend filled me in) but she never sent me a copy of the book (which she promised to do). And, when I wrote to her about the tour she said she was going to be too booked up with official events to get together. I feel like this is a real slap in the face. I've been nothing but a supportive friend to her over the years (and she to me) and now that it's finally come to fruition, this is how she treats me? Am I being too sensitive about this or am I being dissed??? |
| Grateful Deadline | Posted – 6/8/2008 12:34:08 PM | show profile Book tours are hectic. You may yet get a free book, or she may have other plans for them; authors don't always get many to give. Chill. Keep being her friend. |
| cori | Posted – 6/8/2008 1:11:33 PM | show profile I don't agree about remaining her friend This stinks. Pure and simple. Some people are users and she sounds like one. She needed your emotional support. You gave it over and over again. Now, she is not prepared to let you in on the celebration? Ridiculous,. I don't think you are being sensitive about this. She is not a good friend. Or, a friend. You don't have to stoop to her level. You can send a congrats message and wish her well, but steer clear of this person in the future. With friends like this...... you know what the next words are. Sorry for your situation. Sounds like you are a good person! |
| irishloop | Posted – 6/8/2008 2:28:19 PM | show profile If she asked you to read drafts of the book, she certainly owes you a complimentary copy. But I'm with Cori -- I don't think you should chase after this "friend," who seems to have let success go to her head. Concentrate on furthering your own career and don't rush out to buy a copy of the novel. If she wants to know what you think of the final version, she can cough up the copy she promised. |
| caitlinkelly | Posted – 6/8/2008 2:43:16 PM | show profile Some friend. You may well have been a useful rung on her ladder, easily discarded once success shows up -- despite you being there when she needed you most. It happens a lot. Don't let her selfishness stop you being kind again to someone else. There may also be a cautionary tale in you being the only friend so generous with her....maybe the others had cooled or withdrawn, knowing her a little better. |
| Canadiana | Posted – 6/8/2008 3:21:48 PM | show profile Thanks for your honest responses. I am really, really shocked about the whole thing but am trying to be zen about it. I'll let you know what happens. I wish I could tell you the name of the book but of course that would "out" me and her! |
| worldofnatasha | Posted – 6/8/2008 4:10:22 PM | show profile buy the book! regardless of whether or not you feel you should get a free one, BUY A COPY -- that's the most supportive thing you can do. regardless of how many author copies she receives (and it isn't always a lot, especially after you've sent one to your mom and siblings, etc.), the success of the book depends on SALES and there's nothing more disheartening than having your book come out and having none of your friends buy it. even if you're mad at her and want to sever the friendship, do her this one last kindness and shell out the $26 or whatever for a copy. when my second novel came out, I was already devastated by the low sales figures, and what made it a million times worse was any friend I'd talk to about it would say "I haven't read it yet -- can you send me a copy?" or "yeah, I saw it at Borders -- it looks awesome" but didn't actually buy it. I know books are expensive, and I completely agree that your friend is being kind of a douchebag about this, but seriously, having your friends buy and read your book is the best thing in the world, and when they don't, it's heartbreaking. |
| Canadiana | Posted – 6/8/2008 5:18:29 PM | show profile I know that's the right thing to do but I'm feeling pretty spiteful so there's NO WAY I'm buying her book at this point. It was the least I could do to not write her a scathing email saying, "WTF? I've supported you in your dream to be a novelist for 5+ years, you finally make it and now this...?!" |
| writesonwater | Posted – 6/8/2008 6:00:52 PM | show profile | email poster I think sometimes we need to recognized the signs we're being used. I have a friend who every communication is asking for help with this or that related to publishing projects. Invaluable editing and revision gets a brief thanks (sometimes) and then always requests for more help, my opinion on this or that, guidance. I don't think he can help it. He's desperate, he has no budget, I look available and helpful, he keeps asking. I have put the brakes on after many hours of free help. Not because I don't wish him well, but because I think as long as I'm available, he'll keep forwarding the requests. No more. |
| Grateful Deadline | Posted – 6/8/2008 11:58:25 PM | show profile >>I read my friend's drafts (at her request), I boosted her up when she was feeling down and hopeless, I sent her cards to raise her spirits and felt I was a really good and helpful friend. << >>She needed your emotional support. You gave it over and over again.<< Well, hold on a second. It sounds like she asked you to read her draft, but after this you gave and gave of your own volition. The eventual result of giving too much is the giver's resentment over the receiver's failure to equal the effort. |
| catlondon | Posted – 6/9/2008 12:33:53 AM | show profile Devil's Advocate on the part of your friend: Is she getting together with your mutual friend while in your town and purposely excluding you? Or is there a possibility that she knew she wouldn't have time to see you while in town, so why even raise the specter of it and disappoint you or risk having your feelings hurt by contacting you to say, "Hey, I'll be town but won't be able to see you because I won't have time?" Would you have preferred that and would she know you would have preferred that? Has she done this sort of thing before? |
| worldofnatasha | Posted – 6/9/2008 2:33:30 AM | show profile >>I'm feeling pretty spiteful so there's NO WAY I'm buying her book oh, this is so sad -- don't let spite stop you at this point. be the bigger person. you've already invested 5 years of your life in this -- it's arguably your accomplishment too. see it through -- buy the book. maybe you'll love it. maybe you're listed in the acknowlegements. maybe she'll sign it with a wonderful inscription explaining how dear you are to her. but don't let spite or bitterness get in the way. maybe she's taken for granted the fact that you are always there to prop her up. okay -- don't let her get away with that on the next book. Maybe she's thinking she's been paying you back all along by being your go-to-person whenever you're cooking and you're not sure if you can substitute cloves for nutmeg (OR WHATEVER) and she isn't realizing that you're feeling a but used and neglected. Maybe she's so caught up in the glory of having her life's ream realized that she's being completely selfish and insensitive to how you are feeling. But whatever the cause, can't you give her a break? You cared enough about her to prop her up all during the process -- don't let your hurt feelings and resentments now spoil her pleasure in her accomplishment, or permanently damage your friendship (mabye you are angry enough to want to cut ties -- but who knows how you'll feel in a few years...) this is an occassion for joy. even if you can't celebrate with her, you can open a bottle of wine and snuggle down in bed and read her book and take pride and pleasure in every page you turn, happiness for a friend who's finally gotten a wish to come true. you can find joy in the act of the book being published, all personal anger aside. you'll read it knowing the inside story, the sentences you know she struggled with, the chapters her agents pushed her to cut, etc., and that will make reading this particular book more fun and pleasurable than most. and once all the hooplas died down, when her book tours over and the fairy dust had settled and she finally back down on earth again, and maybe getting ready to start the next, and maybe about to start asking you for some encouragement --- well, that's when you can go out to lunch, and tell her all about the specific parts you enjoyed in her book, and if the time feels right, mention that you wish she had included you more in the whirlwind. and hear what she has to say. maybe she'll be devastated. maybe she'll pay for lunch. maybe she'll still be a jerk and you can then officially hate her. but the fact that you said you've been a supportive friend to her for years -- AND SHE TO YOU -- well, don't ruin the friendship over this. we only get so many chances in life to be truly selfless and to give and share in our friends successes. she's not herself right now -- she's in a publication-induced trance. keep on being her friend, at least til she snaps out of it. you've got so much to lose by succombig to your anger and spite, and so much to gain by staying cool and being the bigger person here. |
| writesonwater | Posted – 6/9/2008 2:39:50 AM | show profile | email poster Natasha, I wish I wrote that. Would you please post that on my blog? with a link to your blog, of course. Kudos and a toast to you. http://writingporch.blogspot.com/ ------ http://writingporch.blogspot.com/ http://jlouiselarson.blogspot.com/ http://familyrootsandwings.blogspot.com/ |
| Canadiana | Posted – 6/9/2008 7:57:03 AM | show profile At some point I'll read her book but not now. We've actually had problems in the past where I felt like she let me down (we've known each other since university) and I didn't speak to her for years until her father died and then I reached out. |
| wineaux | Posted – 6/9/2008 11:25:24 AM | show profile Does she know how you feel about her lack of communication and insensitivity? Even a short email, saying you are pleased by her success but wondered why she didn't contact you when she was in your town isn't out of order. You deserve an answer, either way. I don't care how much success a person has. They still should have the decency to pick up a phone and make a call to someone who supported them through a tough time. Part of the reason she is basking in success right now is because of a friend like you. Either she is a totally selfish user, or she is just so self-absorbed that she doesn't care about how anyone is feeling but herself. No matter the reason, her actions (or inactions) towards you are really deplorable. You have a right to clear the air with her, and she owes you some sort of explanation. |
| caitlinkelly | Posted – 6/9/2008 12:00:01 PM | show profile Even if she had no additional time for even a private 20-minute coffee (really?) this author could have invited her "friend" to attend a reading. I've seen this behavior and it's just tacky %%$$#@!. |
| irishloop | Posted – 6/9/2008 1:10:16 PM | show profile I don't agree with Natasha. I think life is full of opportunities to be truly selfless and supportive to others. Unfortunately, if you're a generous person, some people will fall into a pattern where they expect you to constantly support them but don't think they need to do the same in return. The only thing to do, other than bringing the subject up directly, is to step back from the relationship for a while. If this person doesn't stop to think about what might have gone wrong and take steps to make things right, the friendship was on life-support anyway. "Tacky" is a good word for this friend's behavior. |
| wineaux | Posted – 6/9/2008 1:47:11 PM | show profile Also, I used to do pr for a non profit that often booked speaking engagements with some pretty heavy hitting authors. Many of them, while on book tours, spent hours doing signings and personal appearances in multiple cities under serious time constraints, yet made it a point to come and peronally thank us for our hard work and give us, mere publicity writers (and not personal friends), signed copies of their books. We probably had very little impact on their book sales, but they appreciated our efforts to fill the rooms, just the same. I would think a friend who was there as a shoulder and confidant, through the grueling and emotionally taxing time of getting a book written and published, deserves far more consideration. |
| mad fingers | Posted – 6/9/2008 2:38:14 PM | show profile I think the best revenge would be to become rich and famous yourself, and then diss her. ...or just cut your losses. |
| cori | Posted – 6/9/2008 4:26:15 PM | show profile Ugh Life's too short to be a miserable person. It's also too short to spin your wheels and hold on to someone for way too long even if they slap you in the face! I don't suggest any negative remarks toward the selfish author, but sorry, Natasha and writesonwater, I just can't imagine taking your advice. I say write this person off. I am sure this is not the first or last time she will act in such a selfish way so why keep putting yourself in the way of her thoughtlessness? Again, don't go out of your way to be nasty, but disconnect. Despite the hoopla surrounding a book tour, decent people remember those who helped them. Even if they can't meet with you face to face, they do take the time to say, "thanks for being there for me when I needed you. Can't wait to see you when things calm down. Really miss you." Ugh, some people are not worthy of friends! |
| seeattleme2 | Posted – 6/9/2008 4:46:15 PM | show profile God, I know people like this. Just heard from one. Ugh. I just replied, short and sweet. Kept it very short. While I don't feel I should or will stoop to her level (and she is a selfish user in all her relationships; it's all about her and how far YOU can get her and what You can do for Her. She's also a massive brown-noser and so tranparent in the way she goes about it. You'd think she'd be better at it after all her years of personal and professional experience, but no), I do not consider this person a friend. She is a bump in the road, someone I have to deal with occasionally when I do something that gets her attention and reminds her, "Oh, shit!I should check in with her, she might actually be able to help me out again someday!" Which I probably would, without expecting anything in return. I know a lot of people like this, who are ungrateful and unappreciative when done a favor or propped up. If it really eats at you, sy something to her. But if it's not worth it, blow it off. |
| nandy | Posted – 6/9/2008 5:28:24 PM | show profile I have a very, very good friend that has co-authored two non-fiction books. I never felt being her friend and cheering her on entitled me to a free copy (but then, I didn't do anything other than tell her some inside stuff about publishing companies, LOL). In fact, when she came to NYC to a signing at a bookstore, I made sure I showed up and bought a copy of the book...and got a nice inscription. However, I think it's very shortsighted of your "friend" to not even tell you that she would be in your town. Will it be to sign books at a store? If so, she's lost an inexpensive way to make more sales if she didn't at least send you a postcard with the details so you could spread the word. If you feel used (as well you might), I would just cool the friendship, but don't burn any bridges, as there may yet be a plausible explanation. |
| observer | Posted – 6/9/2008 5:41:55 PM | show profile i say just let it go. i feel that she is showing her true colors and is not worth your time. i helped a friend move here to SF from NYC a year ago. he stayed at my apartment for 2 f_ing weeks. and now that he has been here a year he won't return my calls or e-mails. i know he truly likes me as a person and knows that i've been a good friend but for some reason, i'm not the flavor of the day. i've seen him do this to people before and now it's my turn - unfortunately. i know it hurts but try to move on. you did the right thing by supporting her - which you would want others to do for you. the thing to take away from this is that you value your friendships and relationships. some people will never understand this. |
| WordyBird | Posted – 6/9/2008 6:22:33 PM | show profile Heck, Canadiana, anything short of a thank you in the book itself is a slap. Did she not thank any of her friends and editors in the acknowledgements? Good grief, what an ingrate. |
| WordyBird | Posted – 6/9/2008 6:27:02 PM | show profile Natasha "I completely agree that your friend is being kind of a douchebag about this, but seriously, having your friends buy and read your book is the best thing in the world, and when they don't, it's heartbreaking." You're kidding me, right? I think Ann Coulter is a douchebag. Should I go out and buy her book, too? Oh, wait, *knowing* the douchebag makes it your obligation to buy a book? Oy. Douchebaggery is douchebaggery and should not be rewarded with doormat behavior. Heck NO Canadiana shouldn't PAY someone to treat her like a flunky. Ye gods. |
