| Back to Home > Bulletin Board > O/T Off Topic > Topic: Dating advice for wen you're shy? |
Topic: Dating advice for wen you're shy?
| Author | Message |
| Agirlwalksintoabookstore... | Posted – 6/25/2008 6:27:15 PM | show profile So yes, I'm shy (and I feel as though I'm in middle school for even asking this question!) How do you get out of your shell to meet people? Where to meet people if bars make you feel uncomfortable? How do you start conversations with completely new people when you're not accustomed to it? Any advice? |
| Agirlwalksintoabookstore... | Posted – 6/25/2008 6:27:45 PM | show profile Ooops, I meant "when," my "h" key gets stuck sometimes! |
| Mag Girl | Posted – 6/25/2008 8:30:40 PM | show profile I used to be really, really shy, and Internet dating really helped. You could have a few e-mail conversations (but only do 2-3 max) before you even "met", and hten it was less awkward meeting and you already had a tiny bit to talk about. It works better than alcohol for overcoming shyness and is better for your liver :) And also go join clubs or volunteer, or join a kickball league or something like that- then you automatically have something to talk about. |
| Bleak Spouse | Posted – 6/25/2008 10:09:09 PM | show profile I think that's a very good point about the 2-3 email exchanges at max because if you spend too much time getting to know someone over the internet it's a shock when you meet them in person cause they're always a lot different than you imagines. And it's also very uncomfortable to meet someone for the first time who already knows a lot about you and you them. But I do think alcohol works great in social situations for overcoming shyness. I'm shy as well and it works for me. |
| desertroo | Posted – 6/25/2008 11:09:09 PM | show profile I'm terribly shy. I didn't have my first serious boyfriend (lasted more than two dates) until I was in my mid-twenties. I say, if you don't like bars (and I don't care for them much) go join a club that involves a hobby you like. I enjoy rowing and biking. There's not much rowing out where I live now, so I've joined a cycling club. Lots of fun and you get to check out cute guys in tights (although there's a few that aren't so cute in tights). Take your girlfriends with you and go out for dinner and dancing or to a ballgame. Or hang out in the evening at the local coffee shop. I've met a few interesting guys this way. As for starting conversations, look for something that interests you about the person. Do they drive a cool car? have a cool bike? Look handsome in that shirt they're wearing. Compliment them on it and ask them about it. Everyone likes a compliment and everyone likes to talk about themselves. |
| mmc | Posted – 6/26/2008 10:34:54 AM | show profile I'm in pretty much the same position, and I've found that joining groups or taking classes is a big help. Do you have any adult school programs in your area? They can have some really interesting, off-the-wall subjects, and should there be someone with date potential in the class, you'd start out on common ground. I've also had a decent amount of success with museums. I belong to a few of them, and their member's previews are great because they really pack the people in. It's extremely easy to initiate a conversation when you and the other person are looking at an artwork. It's benign subject matter, and oftentimes you can make your first comment without even looking at the person - it makes that first step so much easier! And if the reply is a grunt of no interest, you can move on with no awkwardness. I haven't gone the internet route yet, but Bleak, that's a really good caution. I'll keep it in mind when I do eventually make that step. |
| wineaux | Posted – 6/26/2008 10:55:25 AM | show profile I agree w/ mmc, joining museums are a fantastic way to meet people. I was at the Met recently by myself and couldn't get over how many good looing ALONE men were there. It wouldn't be so hard to strike up a conversation w/ the guy next to you about a painting or sculpture you love as it would be to turn to the guy next to you at a bar and hope that whatever you say will pique his interest. Attending lectures, concerts and other events you are interested in would be a fantastic way to connect with like minded members of the opposite sex. |
| wineaux | Posted – 6/26/2008 10:57:07 AM | show profile I met good Looking, not looing. I promise I did not enter the men's john at the Met. |
| Agirlwalksintoabookstore... | Posted – 6/26/2008 12:21:37 PM | show profile Thanks for the awesome suggestions, guys! I really need to get out more. Its good to know that there are one or two other people like me on here. |
| newyorker | Posted – 6/26/2008 1:10:46 PM | show profile I'm painfully shy so I know where you are coming from. I agree with the other suggestions - join groups, volunteer, go to museums, etc. Don't do the bar scene. Its harder to read people if A) you are drunk/tipsy, B) they are drunk/tipsy, or C)everyone is drunk/tipsy! Just one little addition to the other comments. Don't go into situations expecting to get dates. Just join these groups/places with the expectation of meeting people of both genders and the possibility of making friends. If you increase your social circle, then chances are friends of friends might know someone who is a match and so forth. On the other hand, I haven't been following this advice lately and I need to get out and meet more people. Thanks for posting this message as a reminder to push me out of my shell! |
| beenthere | Posted – 6/26/2008 1:51:28 PM | show profile Joining groups is a great idea to put you in situations to meet people, but if you are unable to overcome the lack of ability to talk to people, it probably won't do you much good. I had a very shy friend who joined a local Toastmasters group and it really helped her in just striking up conversations with people. In fact, she now works as a sales rep--go figure. Maybe try a public speaking class, debate group, or even a creative writing class were you have to read your work aloud, things that will *force* you to speak in front of people so you become more comfortable. When you are comfortable, everything else will fall into place, and you will find yourself meeting people more easily, no matter what the situation. If this isn't an option, try role-playing situations with friends who understand your shyness. such as what would be a good opening line (and I don't mean *line* but rather conversation starter) for if you are at a grocery store, dinner party, concert, beach, park, etc. There are general conversations starters if you are observant to people and events that are directly surrounding you. Then go out in public and do it. After I ended a seven-year relationship, it was really tough getting back into dating. So I would go out and make up rules like, I have to talk to five different guys tonight. And then I would force myself to do it. It was challenging but well worth the effort. And made for some very interesting nights., one in particular where two guys i had talked to almost got into a fistfight over me . . . :) My boyfriend has a friend who really isn't attractive, doesn't have the best job, not particularly smart. Yet he is always dating someone. Why? Because he asks, he will strike up conversations with anyone, ask 10 girls out and inevitably, one will say yes. It's more about just getting yourself talking to people--the more people you talk to , the more likely you are to meet someone. |
| wineaux | Posted – 6/26/2008 2:10:58 PM | show profile I thought I might add that I spent years in the dating scene where I had met most of my bf's at bars and social situations with friends. Only when I went to a charity event that I cared about did I meet my now husband. We spent the night talking about things like what we liked to read, what art we were interested in, where we traveled, etc.. That crap never came up when I met a guy at a bar or party. I think that's why I'm still married after a decade. I found him in a compatable place. |
| beenthere | Posted – 6/26/2008 2:20:12 PM | show profile wineaux, We've had the exact opposite experience. I did all of it -- volunteering, taking classes, joining political groups, gyms, all things that interested me -- and absolutely nothing. Then I met my soon-to-be husband at a local dive bar, when, by chance, he sat next to me at the bar. |
| wineaux | Posted – 6/26/2008 4:19:19 PM | show profile Beenthere, you're not alone. My sister met her husband at a dive bar one night, and they've been married a decade, and he is honestly one of the coolest guys I know. Go figure. I guess the odds of finding the right guy are higher in a more intellectual setting, but not an impossibility in a gin joint. |
| beenthere | Posted – 6/26/2008 5:22:57 PM | show profile My sis met her hubby in an airport. They were both waiting for flights and he asked to borrow a pen. They lived 1,000 miles apart, but somehow managed to build a relationship in spite of the distance. I think the commonality is that you really have to be open to talking to people, regardless of the situation. Otherwise, the greatest guy/gal in the world can be right next to you, and you'd never, ever know it. And it can be a really tough thing for some people to do. I had to re-learn the art of flirting and put myself back out there. But in the end, if it's what you want you have to go for it. |
| beenthere | Posted – 6/26/2008 5:37:21 PM | show profile Forgot to mention, my sis' hubby actually didn't need the pen. He used it as an excuse to say hello and introduce himself. That's what I meant about conversation starters. It would be very easy to either walk away, or engage in more conversation, depending on the response. |
| df | Posted – 6/26/2008 8:57:49 PM | show profile wineaux - all the good looking men at the MET - you are sure they were interested in the other sex? especially if they are easy and entertaining to talk to, interested in sculpture and well dressed lol. for dating when you are shy, I guess I would say get yourself a great wingman/wingwoman. All my shy friends forced me for years to go out with them, because I will talk to anyone in a bar event etc, and lots of people always start talking to me. Some of my girlfriends are actually married to guys we met together. And the best part of it, if you don't meet anyone, you had a great night out with a good friend. |
| caitlinkelly | Posted – 6/26/2008 11:03:25 PM | show profile If you like any sports, whether to play or as a spectator, there are certainly a few that tend to be pretty guy-heavy...sailing, kayaking, canoeing, golf, shooting (sorry, but true), softball...There are often co-ed softball games about; I've been playing in such a group for more than five years and there are a few cute single guys who play with us. I crewed on racing boats for five years and the ratio of guys to girls was always about 8 to 1. If you can even sit still on a boat and be semi-useful, there are dozens of boats in every harbor desperate for crew...and many of the sailors are single guys. Bleak is right about on-line...it's too easy to find someone fascinating as hell on-line or even on the phone but they can be gross in person, or they can dislike you at first glance no matter how wonderful you both seemed on-line. |
| wineaux | Posted – 6/27/2008 3:38:26 PM | show profile df, ha! Point taken. |
| dribbledrive1 | Posted – 6/28/2008 3:15:11 AM | show profile Join Toastmasters, the speaking group, to help you become more comfortable talking with people and in public. Sign up for classes and groups and book clubs. Look in places like meetup.com and linkedup.com -- but the important thing is to pick stuff you really like and which really interests you. Otherwise, you won't enjoy yourself if you aren't meeting someone. |
| rhino writer | Posted – 7/1/2008 10:31:14 AM | show profile I've just been to a bunch of concerts in the past couple of weeks. Get thee there! I'd say it's 75% men, many of them not drunk. Go to some rock bands at a club with a female friend, and you'll be all set. |
| df | Posted – 7/1/2008 1:51:54 PM | show profile can only confirm that. hubby plays in a power pop band, and I am generally the only female n the audience. and everyone is over 35, most of them pretty educated and have a real day jobs, some of those guys are in my opinion are a real catch. I mean nice, fun, holding a steady job, musician? no baggage as in ex and kids? |
| rhino writer | Posted – 7/1/2008 7:06:03 PM | show profile and cute! |
