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Topic: GAH - what to do when both of you WAH
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| HisGirlFriday | Posted – 7/8/2008 8:18:07 PM | show profile In the spirit of wineaux's thread about working at home with the kids underfoot - how about doing with with your partner around?? Husband is an academic, which means he's not working full time hours in the summer. Overall - yes a very good thing. But I think we are starting to get under each other's skin. I'm not sure who is more aggravating to me lately - the kid whining about being bored or the husband just ... existing, leaving his dishes unwashed, answering the phone when he knows it's a work call for me, letting the kid watch too much TV. I almost killed him when he started pulling ALL the Secret Art Supplies out of the drawer (Crafty Ladies, you know what I'm talking about - the stuff you hide and rely on for rainy days, the stuff you pull out one tiny treasure at a time.) Um. This is $55 worth of crap from Michael's craft store and it has to last the next six months. Don't try to be a freakin' hero, man. We are trying to trade off a few hours each day and then swap out entire days too (he takes the kid all day mon. I take her all day tues.) but the days when we are both trying to work around each other is making me crazy! (I know I'm being a bit of a bitch.) Discuss. |
| df | Posted – 7/8/2008 8:37:52 PM | show profile my office was next door to my home for years, and boy do I love having a 'real' office and leaving the house every morning. taking it for granted after your post that getting a work place outside of the house for hours or days a week seems to be out of the question, have you thought of the library? leaving the situation will be certainly the easiest solution. otherwise: set rules. no PJ's after 10 am, no leaving the dishes out, no computer in bed, or whatever drives you mad. mine is paper all over the place. if your hubby is the same as mine, certain things will not change (after a certain age we are all only moderately trainable). my pet peeve are paper piles everywhere in my home (I am anal about filing, when they opened the container store they had my picture up as a prototype customer). As a solution I defined an area where he can paper pile as much as he wants. that actually works. if he paper piles anywhere else, he knows he's in trouble. I also made clear what my duties in the household are, and I WILL NOT lift a finger beyond that. it works but you need a big tolerance level. meaning you have to be able to let it run its course even if you see disaster looming. but there is no other way, at least I have not found one. after that my two relationship rules apply: 1- every good relationship has a flower and a gardener. two flowers, two gardeners, no good. 2 - no exchange on parts. |
| wineaux | Posted – 7/8/2008 11:05:49 PM | show profile That's eerie, GF. My husband is also working from home this summer, and he spent much of his day today disassembling our guest room in order to shimmy his gigantic office suite into there. It's only for a couple of months as he tranitions into a different full-time job, but I am absolutely sweating right now. I have a huge project all this summer that really needs a great deal of my time and focus, and having him home AND dealing w/ energetic offspring is going to be very emotionally trying. He usually travels a great deal with his business, and has always had an office outside of the home. It will be interesting, and I'm expecting very straining on our relationship. The dynamic of this family will be fairly topsy turvy. I just need to hang on for the next three weeks, as I will be out of state for nearly a month on a pleasure and slightly business-oriented trip with the offspring. The coming weeks are going to be stressful project AND maritally speaking. A lot is riding on me pulling the next few weeks off, as it could turn into a wonderful permanent gig, so I really hope we don't wind up flinging pots and pans at each other in the interum. Oh, and after completely ransacking the guest room, he was still dissatisfied by the chaos he has created, so he tore the basement apart as well. |
| abqwriter | Posted – 7/9/2008 11:44:50 AM | show profile | email poster My husband's company sold to an international firm which then turned around and closed the office here, so now he's at home starting another new company. We've both been working from home since his office closed in February, and we're finally working out a set of rules which work better for us. (Translation - he's learning I am not very nice if he doesn't follow the rules below - hah!) When the door is closed, GO AWAY. (I will come up for air sometime and talk to you when it doesn't mean losing my train of thought.) If you dirty the kitchen, bathroom or anywhere else, CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF. ( Your co-workers weren't willing to be your maid and neither am I.) Learn to put your work away - mentally. Don't let it suck you into working 18 hours a day and talking about it the rest of the time. Playing with the kids and doing things around the house still matter. Just because I'm home does not mean I'm available to write press releases, website blurbs, or other copy at the drop of a hat. Ask and be willing to work with my schedule. The three kids in the house this summer have definitely added to the chaos, but they're much better about giving me my space when I need it. I thought I was going to go insane for a while, and I'm still really hoping some investors think this new business is a great investment so I can get the house back to myself come fall. I feel for you - it's really tough on a relationship. I don't know how families work it out who work together 24-7 for years! I've learned I definitely need some space. |
| HisGirlFriday | Posted – 7/9/2008 12:32:31 PM | show profile Ha! Wineaux - when I read about your husband tearing out the guest room I literally shuddered. Yikes. I think I would have bit a hole in my tongue over that one ... Sadly my "office" is in the kitchen/living room area (it's all pretty much one room) so there is nowhere to hide. Good points df and abq about setting down ground rules - that sounds totally reasonable. When he's working during the school year I don't mind picking up more of the slack on housework but with him around it just makes me insane - plus there is twice as much crap laying around too. Glad to see I'm not the only one ... deep breaths, deep breaths ..... |
| chucho | Posted – 7/9/2008 12:39:32 PM | show profile Good friends of mine both work at home. They've solved this by making him rent an office. He prefers it, too, because it motivates home to work. Another married couple I know (he's partially employed, she works as a teacher but needs a home office) basically have set up two offices in seaprate places in the house. But it sounds like your problem has more to do with your spouse not empathizing. You shoudl start by discussing the "washing the dishes" thing and move up from there. Unless he empathizes with your situation to the point where he's considerate about the smaller things (like expecting you to clean up after him while he enjoys the summer off) the bigger things (making him take more responsibility in entertaining the kids) will not be resolved. And, of course, you should probably figure out your points of empathy with him, too. After all, your comments are here and he's not here to defend himself, so it's one sided and all advice you might receive here will not take into account his replies to these charges. |
| wineaux | Posted – 7/9/2008 3:53:41 PM | show profile I know the husband is a complete novice in the world of working from home, so I have the attitude that he will learn from his next two months in my world. And, in his defense, having him home has been a huge help w/ the kids. He took one to camp this am and got them breakfast so I could sleep later after being up until 2, doing edits. Just over the past few days he has seen how much of my life is a balancing act. Judging by the monstrosity of well-organized paperwork that now is swallowing our guest room/new office, I must say I admire his ability to to remain organized in a situation he is totally unfamiliar with. His job is far more specialized and technical than mine, so it makes me respect his learning curve all the more. He had a good giggle this am, after he came home from the camp dropoff. He found me in the midst of a mad scramble in my little office, desperately trying to close the shades to drown out the sounds, (I kid you not,) of a dozen bagpipers in procession down our street. Apparently, a funeral procession was heading for the church that is around the corner from my home. How's that for professional, asking clients to repeat their requests due to the noise pollution of bagpipes? |
| abqwriter | Posted – 7/9/2008 4:31:59 PM | show profile Bagpipes? That made me laugh out loud. I do know what you mean about it being nice for the husband to finally see you "in your world". Until my husband came home, he used to refer to my career as my "little writing thing". He was always surprised when someone brought up something I'd written when we'd be out socially. The other day he listened to me interview ten women on the phone for the same information and commented, "It's really interesting how you change approaches and tone to fit the personality of the person you're interviewing. I don't think I could do that." That comment almost made it worth it to have my lair invaded. Not quite, but almost. |
| HisGirlFriday | Posted – 7/9/2008 5:06:15 PM | show profile Bagpipes!? Oy. Or should I say, Faith and Begorra! Chucho is right, of course - it's totally one-sided. I'm sure he has just as much right to complain about how I micromanage the way he gives the kid a bath. Even though MY way IS better! ;) The "lair" comment was really funny, too. It's totally a turf thing. Although I don't think he always gets the idea of the WAH mom. The other day he left some dishes by the sink and I said, "Uh - hello? Can't you put these in the dishwasher?" Says he: "But I'm feeding her" (She is 5 years old and requires no feeding) "and I'm on the phone." I think I need to point out that every moment I'm home I'm combing several of the following: cooking, cleaning, entertaing a child, making work phone calls, doing laundry. How often do I just do ONE thing at a time? Never. Yowza; this is turning into a real whinefest. Maybe Lisa Belkin was onto something with that big shared parenting article in the Times the other week ..... |
