For a measure of how strictly Ron Howard hewed to Dan Brown's novel, consider this: At the crescendo of "The DaVinci Code," Tom Hanks' Robert Langdon proclaims, "I've got to get to a library - fast!"

This movie is in real trouble. It'll open huge, but I cannot for a minute imagine it connecting with anyone after word of mouth spreads.

Audrey Tautou gamely totters about in high heels (Memo to all Holy Grail seekers: Wear flats. Paris will kill your knees if you flee in heels.) and Paul Bettany is delicious as a savant albino, but in the end, they're all helplessly in the grip of a script that's prone to windy history lessons and a director who was unwilling to hoist up a spinnaker and tack his way across a book who's plot was described as gale force.

In short, "Code: Bed." It's where we wanted to be by 'The End.'