Because we got sick of the nagging, the mysterious hang-up phone calls, and the unsigned notes on the bathroom mirror, FBLA let Greg Gutfeld answer our questions. Honestly, if he wasn't hung like a horse, we wouldn't bother.

1. What newspapers do you read?
New York Post. It's free in the building, and it has the most enjoyable suduku. The solutions are usually very easy, but also often difficult. It's that inconsistency that provides a measure of surprise for myself and my assistant Seth Kansas. Have you met Seth? He'll be here in a few minutes. He usually picks up the lattes and my dry cleaning on the way to work, but sometimes he gets sidetracked and I don't see him for two or three days. He's a competitive bodybuilder, but totally and completely natural. But he can totally get you stuff, you know, if you need it.

2. Which ones do you move your lips to while reading? This reminds me of something Seth said to me! He told me that if I really want to get proper definition in my abs, then attach my tongue to the roof of my mouth while I do the actual crunch movement. It really works. We also use a lot of body resistence in our workouts - no weights at all - just our own physical weight and some clean towels. I can send you pictures, if this will help your article. But I will ask that you block out the eyes of the people on the bed because they were not aware that they were being photographed.

3. Which Web sites are on your favorites bookmark? Anything that covers b and D, submissives, gagwear, wrapping (tight/latex/shrink), "tone-bone flipping," ridge-riding, haircut parties (these sites are hard to find because crackdowns in Mexico, but every now and then I find one that is extremely amusing). I am also a fan of Jon Friedman. He's edgy, in your face, and often says what I am thinking. He will not answer my emails, however.

4. Where do you get your car washed?
My car is garaged in eastern PA. It's a 1959 Facel
Vega HK 500. Seth Kansas is in charge of keeping it
clean, although last weekend he took the Bieber bus to
Bethlehem to get the sedan cleaned, but all my credit
card charges under his name were coming from Key West.
Perhaps it's just some mix-up.

Still, this makes me very sad, which is why I'm prone
to cutting. I am also losing weight and sometimes I
wonder if there's a point to all of this. To bring me
out of this funk, I sometimes think about my dentist's
first name.

5. Do you know your dentist's first name? Seth has amazing teeth. Have you seen them?

6. Do you believe newspapers are going to die? If so, when? Newspapers will die once they invent a way for a consumer to read news, in his or her home, via some method that transmits data over cable or something to that effect. I haven't seen a workable model for this yet--so as they say to people with asthma: "don't hold your breath."

7. What was the last book you read?
I am currently reading Andrew Ferguson's book, The
Land of Lincoln. I am a third of the way through it, and so far, it's a delight. Have you met Andrew
Ferguson? Now that Kurt Vonnegut's dead, he's the only
person left who looks like Kurt Vonnegut.

8. What's the last book you say you read? The Sudoku Book: An Introduction to Su Doku with 101 Puzzles by Sam Griffiths-Jones. Have you checked out any of Griffith-Jone's work? It's pretty amazing stuff. Start from his early work, and then work your way up. He works on a variety of themes--focusing on loss, pain, the illusion of speech, how absence proves identity, and emptiness is merely an absence of
distinction between meaning and meaninglessness. I am
also a fan of Latino Male magazine.

9. If you got a unicorn what would you name it? If? You must be kidding. Take a look at this. (Opens wallet, removes a dozen pictures of unicorn. Slips them back into wallet). You people call yourself reporters.

10. What does you TiVo think about you? TiVo is short for Timothy Vogel? He used to live next door to me until the accident. The "accident" being the time he wandered into our back yard and fell into my covert "activity pit."

11. character of fiction you most resemble? In The Client, there is a scene in a court room, where for a half second you see an executive legal assistant sitting way in the back. I look like that guy.

12. Who plays you in your bio-pic?
Great question--there are a lot of names being
bandied about. My personal choice is the great
character actor Anthony Zerbe. Did you know that back in the 1970's he could wrestle a horse into submission usually only the muscles of his lower leg? You can google all of this.

13. Do you floss? Daily. As for my teeth and gums, not as frequently.

14. Did you ever believe your toys come alive when you leave the room? I didn't have toys as a child. My parents forbade them. For amusement I used to time the beatings.

Do you still?

15. How many old cell phones do you own? I have four, which are currently bagged and tagged in the property room at the emergency room(they have to do this every time one is removed).

16. Best show legendary biz/movie star encounter. I strangled William Holden with a phone cord. Not many people know about that.

17. Do you get satellite radio? I frankly don't have time for such questions. I suppose the next question will be a play on this question?

18. And as a follow do you "get" satellite radio? I rest my case.

19. Do you read the Enquirer/InTouch/US/People? No/No/yes/yes. Sometimes, on a slow Sunday Seth Kansas and I will buy a pile of these magazines and head to Vinyl Diner and just pore over them, laughing over our mimosas. Then of course, we take poppers and one of us tries to kill each other.

20. Do you lie about it? Why would i lie? This interview is sooo over. By the way, when this comes out, will you please send a copy to Jon Friedman?

Earlier:
FBLA 20 Questions