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Poetry by Jake

You Know The Terrorists Have Won When…

We’ve missed Jake Tapper’s quirky blog posts. He’s been doing the whole “serious journalist” thing for far too long.

So we were relieved to read this from Tapper’s “Political Punch“:

    Once again, I report to you — regrettably — that the US Airways militants continue to hold my beloved blue bag hostage, with no word of when they will return it or any of the other thousands of bags it has decided to kidnap.

    Blue-ie was last seen on Sunday in Philadelphia, when the extremists at US Airways forced me to turn him over. They promised to return him to me in Toronto.

    Two days have passed since then, with a scary computer-automated voice “named” Alex, and some poor schlub in Guatemala being the only ones to tell me that, yes, Blue-ie will return to my side some day…though they still do not know his whereabouts.

    Is he in Mosul? Brasile? A “Usual Suspects”-esque tanker?

Blue bag donations will be accepted at DeSales Street.

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Today’s Most Important News Item

tappertie.jpg

Just what — oh what — do you think of Jake Tapper’s new tie knotting technique? ABCNews is kind enough to provide you with a forum to discuss…

Happy Holidays

As we leave you for a holiday weekend, here’s Jake Tapper‘s poem.

May your holiday, whatever it may be, be joyous and filled with snow/family/presents/peace/etc.

–Garrett & Patrick

Anchor Haiku

From Jake Tapper, a haiku entitled, On the occasion of finally having the answers as to who the anchors will be…:

Vargas and Woodruff;
Bashir, McFadden, Moran.
OKAY???? Back to work.

Tapper Loves Video Games

vicecity.gifWe continue to be humored by Jake Tapper’s bloggerific musings. He discusses playing the video game “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.”

The point of the game is to run around a fictitious city, loosely based on Miami, beating up prostitutes and killing cops, succeeding in various missions.

I found it addictive. I also found that emerging from my apartment to walk the streets of D.C. after playing the game for hours and hours provided a sort of disconnect. You see a cop car, your mind is still in the game, and you think “hide!” (Cops in Vice City are almost always out to get you.)

Okay, so that’s what happened when you stepped out onto DC’s streets and saw cops. Now what about when you saw the prostitutes?

Tapper: NOT Sexiest Man Alive

Poor Jake Tapper

First, he laments the fact that Stephen Colbert never calls.

Now, he’s upset that he was overlooked for People mag’s Sexiest Man Alive contest. But he gives props to the real winner, Matthew McConaughey

    Alright, alright, alright.

    Wooderson is named PEOPLE’s Sexiest Man Alive. You got to just keep livin’…L-I-V-I-N.

    It hurts to be passed up for the honor once again, but good to see it going to a man who appreciates percussion.

    (Though to be frank, “Sahara” was just God-awful.)

    More later –

    jt

Leak Haiku

Jake Tapper does the indictments:

Patrick Fitzgerald:
Sheikh Rahman, Ramzi Youssef
and Scooter Libby?

Two counts perjury
One obstrucion of justice…
Wasn’t there a leak??

(Libby’s statement as shortened and haiku’ed:)

“I am confident…
at the end of this process
…exonerated.”

Joseph Wilson, he
wanted Karl Rove frog-marched out
but Rove hopped away?

Tapper, Out!

Jake Tapper continues to break new ground on his blog, “Down and Dirty.” He’s found a new way to end his entries:

    Seacrest out –

    Jake

Signs of the Apocalypse

ABC’s Jake Tapper, who continues to pen the most engaging and oddly addictive reporter blog out there, is this week answering questions from schoolchildren. A sampling:

Because of the many natural disasters around the world, some people are saying that this may be the apocalypse. What are your thoughts? (Alexis)

That would be very scary, but until I see a three-headed dog coming down the middle of the street, I’ll hold off on thinking that.

Will you come to our school to visit? (Gabi)

Maybe. Will you bake me some oatmeal cookies?

Have you ever considered another job/career? (Greg)

Yes, because this job can be very frustrating sometimes. But covering the news is fundamentally what I love doing, and what occupies my time when I’m not working, so reporting and journalism is the profession for me, for better or for worse.

He also talks about hurricanes, Harriet Miers (or, as he calls her, “HARRIET, SWEET HARRIET, HARD-HEARTED HARBINGER OF HAGGIS”), and some of the famous people he’s met on the job.

Good Gigs

Jake Tapper‘s news haiku for the day:

Earthquake, Katrina
The Pacific tsunami
God’s not dead — he’s pissed.

And another one from his time on the road today to Boston:

Packed in here like veal
With upright seatbacks but not
Upright attitudes

Remember: This guy gets paid for this. Eat your hearts out.