At a press conference yesterday, Newt Gingrich revealed the evening of romance that he had planned for his wife, Callista, on Valentine’s Day. What he explained could not have been any more cringe-inducing. Gingrich told reporters,
“All I can promise you is that I believe she will be quite happy tomorrow night. I think for the first time in a while, we’ll have a private dinner and then, hopefully, exchange gifts, and reconnect a little bit. But I’m not going to… no more details.”
While we have heard some wild Valentine’s Day horror stories, this one just might top the list in terms of awful. Our overactive imaginations just couldn’t let go of what Newt had in mind. For starters, there’s the gifting. I’ll avoid the obvious Tiffany joke and just imagine that he gave her an erotic massage. Which can only lead to the “reconnect.” Now, we can’t get the mental image out of our head of Gingrich rutting with Callista. Sweat pouring off his back with Callista’s hind legs up in the air. As the moonlight gleamed off the hard platinum shell of Calista’s hair, Newt screamed out in grandiose ecstasy, “Frankly, I’m reconnecting!”
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go take the world’s longest shower.
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