If you could take a peek into the the soggy dreams of every low-level male government worker in D.C., they would resemble last night’s episode of ABC’s “Scandal.”

One subplots centered on former U.S. Attorney David Rosen who has been framed for the murder of a highly-attractive blond woman he woke up with in bed. She was bloody. He was frightened. The woman had no job, yet lived in a $4,000 per month home in Washington. For income, we learn, she was luring in low-level workers with access to sensitive or juicy government information. Once she had the intel (which she got by having sex with her victims), she would sell it to big news outlets.

In real life, the odds of this happening are so low. Not just because most large news organizations don’t pay for stories (it’s not in the budget) but because… the men who this woman shacked up with are all handsome and in good shape. Rarely are entry-level D.C. workers either of those things. Look at The Hill‘s 2012 “50 Most Beautiful People” list. That’s who you’re likely to end up with if you’re a busty blond looking for information via sex.

You won’t get this:

You’ll get this:

You won’t wake up next to this:

You’ll roll over to find this:

You won’t find this making you breakfast in the morning:

It’ll be this breathing over your runny eggs:

You won’t do the walk of shame from this guy’s bed:

You’ll pry yourself from beneath this one: