See the full story here. Maybe the best fake quotes come from NPR’s Ari Shapiro after the jump, but you’ve gotta read the whole sick, entertaining thing. And for any dumbasses who don’t know what The Onion is, yes, it’s the publication that writes phony stories. Please note: We’ve blotched out one of the reporter’s faces due to a dramatically naked section of the faux orgy. continued…

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RAINING IN THE ROSE GARDEN: “Overheard: ‘Melt the Press.’ @MarkLandler of NYT pops out a Georgetown umbrella.” — NPR White House Correspondent Ari Shapiro with the accompanying photograph. And NBC’s Luke Russert: “The #Marines holding the umbrellas at this presser are unbelievably cool, had no idea there’s military protocol for umbrella holding.”

Umbrella memories

“In my first job as a sports reporter, my editor had me hold the umbrella over him & his camera on the sidelines. Good times.” — HotAir’s Mary Katharine Ham.

Politico Playbook Publish Time: 5:48 a.m.

From the Dept. of Bragiculture…

“So much happening-impt stuff must be slipping by for bandwidth lack. Just in my niche, turned in 7 stories in past 4 days & 8th mostly done.” — NYT‘s Charlie Savage.

ABC “Scandal” finale fallout

“So Fitz is porking a black woman to bring diversity to the Republican Party? Wow. #StartedFromATwerkNowWereHere” — Javonni Brustow, Washington editor of The DC Pundit.

“Oh damn Fitz just went rogue! And quotes Dillon Thomas to boot!” — Essence and theGrio.com‘s Sophia Nelson.

“Damn, Fitz just went Bulworth on Mellie! @ScandalABC #Gladiators” — Washington Watch and Tom Joyner Show regular Roland Martin.

“When @tonygoldwyn saw this two page monologue for the first time at the table read, he gasped. Then he dove in.” — Scandal creator and writer Shonda Rhimes.

“Mellie is going to fuck everybody. #Scandal” — @emokidsloveme.

“Liv. #shutitdown and call a locksmith.” — Avid “Scandal” watcher Shawna Thomas of NBC News as Olivia Pope nearly gets killed. And later, after Fitz sees a video in which Olivia, his mistress, has sex with another man, she writes, “OK Fitz. She is not a virgin nor your wife and she didn’t know that guy was charged w/ bedding/protecting her. STOP BEING A CHILD.”

“Can’t even type. This ending kills me! #scandalfinale” — Actress Kerry Washington, who plays Olivia Pope.

“Lemme get this straight, the season finale of Scandal is on during #ScandalWeek? THIS TOWN” — TPM Assistant Editor Igor Bobic.

Brian’s Stelter’s walk on the moon

“I vividly remember my first time watching ‘The Office.’ It was May 2005, on my laptop, on a train from Baltimore to NY.” — NYT‘s Brian Stelter. And were you simultaneously monitoring your Tumblr account, Facebooking, and checking your MySpace?

The power of ass kissing

“The power of @carr2n: He tweets your story and you get 126 clicks in 15 minutes.” — Slate‘s Jack Shafer in reference to NYT‘s David Carr.

Journo annoyed by mouth breather

“This kid who is mouth breathing next to me really needs to get off the train. Can’t deal. #imsoannoying” — Roll Call‘s Emily Cahn.

Unnecessary Tweet of the Day

“Intrigued by Cool Ranch tacos tho I’m normally not a Taco Bell fan & hearing cool ranch flavor gets overwhelmed by filling. Anybody tried?” — Washington Examiner‘s Philip Klein.

See more exciting Morning Chatter… continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

“Dog park at dusk.” — Syndicated lefty columnist and Bullfight Strategies’ Karl Frisch. With accompanying photograph.

The Observer

“Softball-sized grapefruits are a satisfying reminder that winter is not a permanent state.” — NPR’s Ari Shapiro.

Editor has quite an imagination

“Starting a band called Beyonce’s Child where Beyonce adopts me and we get matching hairdos” — WaPo editor Lindsay Applebaum.

Politico reporter urges coworker to run for office

“Now getting campaign emails from reporters for the Senate Periodical Press Gallery Executive Committee election. Where’re [sic] yours @mkraju [Politico's Manu Raju]?” — Politico transportation reporter Burgess Everett. Raju’s title is Senior Congressional Reporter.

Journo Love from Ann Coulter

“@EmilyMiller of the Wash Times was just interviewed on Fox News. She’s a better spokesman for gun rights than Wayne LaPierre.” — Conservative commentator and author Ann Coulter.

Reminder: BuzzFeed Brews, the new interview series, begins tonight at The 201 Bar on Capitol Hill. Editor-in-Chief Ben Smith, the interviewer, may or may not let you in. Not to worry, Washington Bureau Chief and tonight’s emcee, John Stanton, will sneak you in the back door. Beware of publicist Ashley McCollum, who likes to stir up trouble. Festivities kick off at 7 p.m.

Convo Between Two Journos concerns Bloomberg‘s snack prowess. continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

“This sign is on a window of a store that’s inside the security zone of Obama’s Des Moines rally.” — Yahoo! News’ Chris Moody with the accompanying photo.

Journo on line to vote before 7 a.m.

“My voting precinct is selling coffee for $1 to people in line. #waspy” — Matt Spence, The Times of London.

Uh oh.

“Dead to me.” — Breitbart.com editor John Nolte on New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie turning down Romney campaign event request.

Stop and buy the roses

“Attn: guys who have been too busy politicking to be nice to your ladies—roses are on sale $9.99/dozen @ Whole Foods today.” — Roll Call‘s Meredith Shiner.

Guiding Sophia’s Light

“Respectfully I don’t give a rats butt about JayZ or Kid Rock!” – theGrio and Essence columnist Sophia Nelson on Obama and Romney musical supporters. Usually Sophia is spouting sermon’s on Twitter. On Monday she strayed.

Chuck Todd assesses nightmare election scenarios

“In place for Today Show, will have a look at some of the nightmare scenarios that could lead to indecision” — NBC’s Chuck Todd.

Spotted: Meg Ryan at Biden event

“Spotted on the cuts riser at Biden’s Richmond event, being opened with songs by her beau john Mellencamp: Meg Ryan.” — NBC News campaign embed reporter Carrie Dann.

Hallucinating D.C. Metro rider

“Saw a gent on metro who looked like a moustachioed Ari Shapiro. Was briefly convinced he’d got a disguise and made a thrilling escape.” — a D.C. woman calling herself Abbott Rabbit regarding the NPR White House Correspondent.

Keeping it Real: “Run into reporter from OTHER station at event tonight. Okay we have the same jobs, do we really have to make small talk? So BORING!” — ABC7′s Stephen Tschida.

Boybander has sex with vegetables?

“I can’t be the only one who makes stock while changing the lyrics of ‘Sexual Healing’ to be about vegetable peeling.” — Wired‘s Spencer Ackerman. We’re just kidding about the headline but couldn’t make rational sense of Spencer’s words.

Which journo gets to vote at the crack of dawn? And which news outlet takes to talking about campaign dildos?

continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

“Gotta be 65 degrees on a terrific autumn night” — FNC’s Chief White House Correspondent Ed Henry.

Anticipatory Storm Complaints

“Approaching big storm prep: batteries, check. Canned food, check. Emergency generators, check. Full-page apology ad from Pepco, check.” — C-SPAN Communications Director Howard Mortman.

“.@PepcoConnect Let’s just say that your track record as regards restoring our power is somewhere between abysmal and catastrophic.” — Yahoo! News‘s Olivier Knox.

“@OKnox Why doesn’t PEPCO just shut off our power now and get it over with?” — NYT‘s Jonathan Weisman.

“My boyfriend: Buying all the toilet paper from the grocery store before everyone else gets there. #BePrepared” — Lisa Rowan, vintage blogger.

Compliment or Insult: Who really knows?

“Your always-perfect hair reeks of pure #journalism,” a follower writes in to FNC’s Bret Baier, who, of course, responds, saying, “Good to know -thanks- I’ll try to keep it together.”

Ana Marie Cox “endorses” Obama

“It’s true: I have chosen to endorse Obama because I’m proud to have someone of the *human* race as President. So there.” — The Guardian‘s Ana Marie Cox. Does a pundit do endorsements? Do they really need to? Pretty sure we already new the progressive Cox was for Obama.

Journo Love

“Go @AprilDRyan! She’s interviewing Obama tomorrow at 5:40 p.m. in Oval Office. First member of WH press corps to do so in months.” — Politico‘s Jennifer Epstein on American Urban Radio White House Correspondent April Ryan.

Breitbart.com Editor needles BuzzFeed Political Editor

“Source tells me @BuzzFeedBen‘s BuzzFeed Politics is something of a laughingstock. Actually, herds of sources tell me this.” — Breitbart.com‘s John Nolte, still smarting from BuzzFeed‘s McKay Coppins story on internal Breitbart.com matters.

Overheard…

“Overheard on the Romney press bus: ‘I think Meat Loaf is two words.’ ‘Yes, it is two words.’ — NPR’s Ari Shapiro.

See FishbowlDC’s Fan Club Board after the jump as well as thoughts from a media observer… continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

FOOD, LIQUOR, WEDDING CHAPEL, CLEAN ROOMS: “What more does anyone need really?” — NPR’s Ari Shapiro on the road in Nevada. He also wrote, “Food, liquor and clean rooms are the three pillars upon which a strong marriage can be built.”

Journo says TV anchors were once trusted news figures

“Sometimes, in life, you just have to suffer in silence.” — Ariana Pekary, radio producer for The Bob Edwards Show.

Writers squabble over mayo

“Mike Elk, Mayo is the greatest thing ever.” — U.S. environmental and labor historian Erik Loomis, blogger for Lawyers Guns & Money.

“I have always hated mayo, its the worst.” — InTheseTimes labor journo Mike Elk.

Anchor begrudgingly reports dangers of licorice

“FDA says too much black licorice could cause a drop in potassium levels leading to heart problems #halloweenjoykill.” — Steve Chenevey, ABC7 morning/noon news anchor.

Reporter offers warning to White House

“On the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno, the president promised ‘candy for everyone’ at WH Halloween. I’ll be sure to follow up and report back. And it better not be that funsize twix and smarties stuff. I want the good candy.” — NBC News political reporter Shawna Thomas.

See what a local editor is bitching about and whose ass CBS’ Gayle King is kissing after the jump… Also, which journo is freezing at work? continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

“Dear Florida: For the sake of our mental health, please remain a swing state. Sincerely, political reporters everywhere.” — NPR White House Correspondent Ari Shapiro.

“I particularly want to apologize to Chris Matthews.  (Laughter.)  Four years ago, I gave him a thrill up his leg — (laughter) — this time around I gave him a stroke.  (Laughter.)” — President Obama at last night’s Alfred E. Smith dinner at the Waldorf Towers in Manhattan.

Sometimes journos speak in sounds

HufPost‘s Eilot Nelson: “ughhhhhhhhh”

BuzzFeed’s John Stanton: “Nuh na na na”

National Journal Editor-in-Chief Ron Fournier: “!!!!!!!”

Daily Kos‘s Markos Moulitsas: “Ha ha ha ha ha! #Yankees”

Stirring the Pot

“Breitbart News will publish piece on ‘not optimal.’ Hope Dave Weigel doesn’t say something bad about us in JournOlist 2: Electric Boogaloo.” — Breitbart.com‘s John Nolte.

See more Morning Chatter and find out what’s getting Slate‘s Dave Weigel‘s goat and what has National Journal‘s Editor-in-Chief Ron Fournier yearning for happier times… Also, see who is running FishbowlDC’s Fan Club this week! continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

TAKING A BREATHER: “Things I haven’t done for days: watched cable, brushed hair, missed either.” — Elite media specialist Tracy Sefl.

And now, a plug for not suspending harsh campaigning on 9-11: “Isn’t it giving into the terrorists to suspend nasty, unfair, distorted negative campaign attacks for 9/11 anniversary?” — Daily Mail‘s Toby Harnden.

Journo wants obscene amount of truffle oil: “What would be the health effects of putting truffle oil on literally everything, because I am considering it.” — The Hill‘s Alexandra Jaffe.

Thanks but no thanks

“I’m pleased to receive all these press releases from politicians expressing their opposition to the 9/11 attacks but I’m not sure its needed.” — Politico‘s Ben White.

Quote Taken Out of Context

“I think @frates just barfed.” — HuffPost Senior Congressional Reporter Michael McAuliff in reference to NJ‘s Chris Frates.

Ari has spoken.

“I just got a spamish tweet asking, ‘Want 2 be HEARD this election?’ Um, if I’m not being heard @NPR has a problem.” — NPR White House Correspondent Ari Shapiro.

Ex-game show host declares true feelings

“OK, here I go, I love the tea party . Endorse everything they stand for. There I said it. I am a Tea Party guy.” — Chuck Woolery, former host of Love Connection, who attended CPAC earlier in the year.

Uh oh!

“That moment when u realize uv got a typo in a release u just blasted over 600 top dc media #goodtimes #DOW!” — Publicist Dannia Hakki.

CNBC host’s dad won’t be able to vote

“My dad, a vet, won’t be allowed to vote in Pa. because he does not drive, he is elderly, and can’t prove his citizenship.” — CNBC’s Jim Cramer.

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

In the world of online reporting, life can get dicey and connecting with followers can lurk into dangerous, pornographic territory. In 2010, National Journal‘s Major Garrett, then a White House Correspondent for Fox News, accidentally linked to soft porn. “Hello gentleman, I’m Anastasia,” one woman beckoned. Naturally mortified, he apologized to his many followers.

This week NPR White House Correspondent Ari Shapiro suffered a similar fate when a follower informed him that he had been spamming him with advice on how to expand his member (and we’re not talking politicians). It’s unclear how ABC News Senior White House Correspondent Jake Tapper got mixed up in this debacle.

We reached out to Shapiro on the matter.

Oh dear. Sorry. “@saxchik: I keep getting spam from @ari_shapiro.I look forward to @jaketapper telling me how I can make me penis larger.”

— Ari Shapiro (@Ari_Shapiro) August 28, 2012

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But, I DID see a Wolf on my TV – “I didn’t see any deer in Deer Valley, Utah but saw six in Bethesda, Md. I did see a Moose in Deer Valley.” – CNN’s Wolf Blitzer on his recent travels.

This could be bad if it was taken out of context – “You got full-frontal nudity, dude.” Politico’s Glenn Thrush, who tweeted that comment to fellow Politico Jake Sherman. Thrush was joking that his new e-book may have been upstaged by Sherman and John Bresnahan‘s story on Congressional skinny-dipping.

Grabby isn’t the best choice of words – “Up for grabs. Michelle Fields Out at Daily Caller..” – Accuracy in Media’s Don Irvine in response to our story about Michelle Fields and the Daily Caller parting ways.

Feel the Burn – “Worked out with Paul Ryan this morning. Ok, in the same room as Paul Ryan. Stay tuned for my blog post on the subject…” – NPR’s WH Correspondent Ari Shapiro

Eddie Scarry contributed to this report.

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

Parsons told FBDC that what matters most is a job well done and not the infamous White House Correspondents’ Dinner that took a controversial turn for the worse this year.

“It was a good campaign. It’s a sign of health in the organization that all of the seats were contested, and that 210 journalists ended up casting votes,” she wrote in an email. “One thing that was clear in my conversations with people — I talked to most of the active members — was how committed the White House correspondents are to sound journalistic ideals and to vigorous coverage of the beat. The dinner is important, and it’s fun to talk about. But what matters most is our responsibility to do this job well, to constantly push for more information, and people take that very seriously. That’s what the association is all about.”

Asked for her reaction on her win, Talev remarked, “It’s an honor to be chosen by our peers to represent the White House press corps, and I’m excited, with Christi and Ari, to join our colleagues already serving on the board. While our membership draws from competing and diverse news organizations and technology and social media are rapidly changing how we all do our jobs, as a press corps we are united by universal interests — especially the imperative for timely access to the President, other White House decisionmakers and public information.”

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

HBO’s Bill Maher: Mr. Sensitive

“Read the Declaration of Independence today – kind of complain-y in the middle, but the beginning and end really stand up.” — Bill Maher.

Convo Between Two Journos

This morning’s conversation is between White House Correspondent Jake Tapper and NPR White House Correspondent Ari Shapiro. Shapiro is in London on a Pink Martini bus tour with singer and songwriter Storm Large. Tapper, meanwhile, is headed to Ohio with President Obama.

Tapper: “You chose London over a bus tour of Northern Ohio?”

Shapiro: “Something tells me this isn’t the last OH bus tour.”

Important Question to Ponder… “Why is Jennifer Hudson singing the Weight Watchers song at the Boston fireworks?” — The Times of London‘s Matt Spence.

Happy 4th of July!

“And now, the Nat’l Symphony Orchestra and Marine Band join forces for ‘Call Me Maybe’ …” — WaPo‘s Ben Pershing.

“Nice to be away from dc crowds in wolfeboro nh to watch the fireworks by the docks. Beautiful.” — CNN’s Dana Bash.

“Dude, fuck this shit being in the middle of the work week.” — The X.D. Experience (not a D.C. journo but nonetheless funny).

“Almost irony – getting yelled at to ‘move along’ by cop @14 & Indep. for crime of asking directions to bike path. #IndependenceDay” — Derrick Perkins, reporter and photog for Alexandria Times.

Derecho Storm Fallout Complaint Desk

“Pepco PTSD: The fireworks tonight sound like thunder. Chilling.” — Kiplinger‘s Ken Bazinet.

“Is there anything else I should be doing @VerizonSupport?” — NBC Washington’s Jim Long. More from Long: “I need to accept that this is the week of things not working #fb”

“About to start day 6 without power.” — RNC Communications Director Sean Spicer.

“On day 6 of no power, #Pepco changes our status from ‘no crew assigned yet’ to ‘your outage has not been reported’ – not cool. @WTOP” — D.C. and Baltimore-based journo Carolyn Procter.

Oh?

“Don’t like millimeter wave machines so opted for pat down at airport. They stick their fingers inside your waistband now!” — The Atlantic‘s Senior Editor Garance Franke-Ruta.

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

“The lawn at the British Ambassador’s residence is prepared for Prince Harry garden reception.” — Bloomberg’s Stephanie Green with accompanying photograph.

What’s Driving the Day: “Made a quick run to the store tonight and experienced the most unsubtle stare at my rear end by a dude since I was in college.” — Blogger and writer Danielle Belton, author of The Black Snob.

A journo’s emotional outpouring for Lugar

“Politics aside, @dicklugar is 1 of the most gracious pols I’ve covered. At each stop he shakes each reporter’s hand, thanks them for coming.” — Politico‘s Dave Catanese, who is traveling to Indiana today so his email response time may lag.

Drudge Whoring

“I love Drudge headline right now… can we just bask in Matt Drudge’s genius?” — The Daily Caller‘s Matthew Boyle in a memorable tweet from last week.

It’s not Love Story but it’s something…“I love Reagan National airport so much that we need a Constitutional amendment prohibiting me from marrying it.” — Slate‘s Dave Weigel.

Journo wants Obama to stop being such a p—y

“Obama is being a coward on issue of gay marriage. Stand for what you believe in, there’s no shame in that.” — The Daily Caller‘s Jason Howerton.

Shots fired by Mr. Scarry

“Daily Caller’s Michelle Fields is a big girl. Doesn’t need to be kid gloved like she just was by O’Reilly.” — FBDC and The Blaze‘s Eddie Scarry. A note to “AnonymASS” who always flips out, sometimes with physical threats, when we write about your beloved Michelle: Deal with it.

Reporter gets in touch with himself

“I feel in touch with my Oregon roots every time I pull my bicycle up to a valet parking stand. #putabirdonit” — NPR White House Correspondent Ari Shapiro.

Kidney stones still on their way out

“Welcome new followers. I’ll be back next week fully engaged with my tweeps. I’m convalescing All Tweets pre-set via @hootsuite xo.” — a message from NBC theGrio’s Sophia Nelson this morning. Sophia tweeted about her kidney stone issues over the weekend intermingled with inspirational thoughts on connecting with God.

PBS’ Gwen Ifill asks: “Honest question. When is the last time we’ve seen a series of such delayed, grudging endorsements?” (She’s of course referring to Rick Santorum‘s 11 p.m. lackluster email endorsement of Mitt Romney.)

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WHAT

The tab for the evening’s festivities is being picked up by NPR Trustees John Herrmann, Jr. and John McGinn, as well as in-kind donations. In-kind donors include: Gibson Guitar Showroom, Georgetown Cupcake, Tito’s Handmade Vodka, Smart Water, Robert Foley Vinyards and Beam Global.

WHEN: Friday, April 27, 2012
8pm – 11pm

WHERE: Gibson Guitar Showroom

WHO: Hosted by NPR White House Correspondent Ari Shapiro, welcome from NPR President & CEO Gary Knell, music by guest DJ Solange Knowles.

NPR’s WHDC guests also attending party include:
Mary J. Blige (Grammy Award-winning musician)
Ginnifer Goodwin (Actress)
Colin Hanks (Actor)
Chris Hughes (Co-founder of Facebook; publisher and editor-in-chief, The New Republic)
Katherine Stockett (Novelist, author of The Help)

NPR Journalists attending (partial list)… continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

“To live my life in a kind of metaphorical fishbowl, it’s pretty challenging, yeah.” — Madonna on NBC’s “Rock Center” last night.

A Question to Ponder…“So isn’t castrating a dog worse than tying a it to your roof for a couple of hours? #askingforafriend” — BuzzFeed Political Editor Ben Smith.

Uh oh! Tschida’s pooch takes a leak in the house

“pup pees in house. supposed to praise profusely when he goes outside. so pick him up say LOVE YOU smother him with kisses. get weird looks.” — ABC7 reporter Stephen Tschida.

Deep Thoughts With Lachlan Markay

“It’s so cute when people complain about how dysfunctional DC is then insist on giving it more power.” — Heritage Foundation’s Lachlan Markay.

CNN reporter endures DC DMV

“Covering presidential politics, White House, global issues – cakewalk compared to dealing with DC DMV.” — CNN’s Jessica Yellin.

Politico‘s Roger Simon: Resident Tough Guy

“Wife just killed a centipede. Thank God for wives.” — Roger Simon.

USA Today travel writer deals with dopey cab driver; BuzzFeed reporter chokes on a pretzel

“Oh cab driver, that’s my arm u just slammed your trunk door on. Hope this is not an indication of what’s to come on this trip #travelfail” — Nancy Trejos.

“Started to choke slightly on a pretzel, tried to wash down with diet coke, spilled diet coke over hair, shirt, pants.” — BuzzFeed’s Rosie Gray.

Washington reacts to Dick Clark’s death

• “Dick Clark’s fabulous makeup artist is now available.” –  James McTague, Washington Editor of Barron’s.

• “I move we cancel New Year’s Eve this year.” — Reuters‘ Sam Youngman.

• “He made us feel as young and vibrant and optimistic as he was.” — President Obama.

• “Condolences to the family of Dick Clark. We join them in mourning his passing, & will never forget his achievements in entertainment & music.” — Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio).

• “#DickClark taught me & so many others to dance to the beat of the music. God bless his teenage spirit. Every Saturday morning after cartoons.” — Democratic pundit Donna Brazile.

• “America’s oldest teenager has died. Dick Clark passed away at age 82. The phrase ‘good beat- easy to dance to’ keeps running through my head.” — NPR’s Michele Norris.

Journo Hate

“You see, Smith will have his staff go on and on about elevators and a dog named Seamus–but not a dog named Dinner.” — Breitbart.com’s John Nolte in a story claiming that BuzzFeed‘s Smith shills for Obama — i.e. he’ll cover the Mitt Romney dog on a roof flap, but not Obama growing up eating dog, as reported by The Daily Caller.

“Now officially hate the jaunty NPR ‘Hey there, Ari’ reporter intro. My friend H called this sort of thing ‘hearty hack.’ I blame @kairyssdal” — The Daily Caller‘s Mickey Kaus referring to NPR White House Correspondent Ari Shapiro.

Peter Ogburn contributed to this report.

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.