A surefire way to choke any party: Invite your closest friends to your home, but before they get there, answer any “lingering questions” they may have about the fete in a lengthy group e-mail. Make the ordeal as complex as possible while talking to your would-be guests like toddlers. One last thing: as you dump a load of rules on them, forget one important detail: the time. Fun, right?
That’s exactly what longtime Revamp.com photog Daniel Swartz did today in an email about his housewarming party that will be held on his building’s roof. Below is the email 12 part Q&A Swartz sent to his guests…and our coinciding translations. Good times.
Is this an open party? Can I bring guests? Daniel’s answer: No. This is NOT an open party. Translation: With all the rules I’m choking this party with there’s no way I’m leaving anything to chance. Leave your disgusting friends outside the building.
What if I didn’t RSVP? Daniel’s answer: If you didn’t RSVP, then you’re not on the list. But email me just in case. Translation: If you didn’t get your shit together to RSVP you are SOL.
How do I get into the building? Daniel’s answer: You MUST have a photo ID in order to get into the building. Security will not let you in if you do not provide one and I am not there to escort you. Please be patient if there is a line. Translation: I am a serious V.I.P. I have a security detail for this party. If you don’t have an ID, pray hard enough and maybe I’ll be there to “escort” you. Oh, and please be patient. Again, I am very important and there will be a long line of folks clamoring to get in and see me.
Ok, I’ve made it past security. Now what? We’re not giving you Daniel’s answer on this one, but a quick translation to the question: I know you can’t figure out what to do in a building because you’re clearly a bunch of idiots. But if you’re as important as me, or even if I just think you are, which is doubtful, then you’ll figure out what to do next.
Read the rest of the email after the jump.