While I’m SURE it’s prestigious award and not to take anything away from Ms. Malkin’s accolade, it does seems there are a hell of a lot of awards out there these days. And it gives me an idea.  continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

Late Thursday afternoon — STOP THE PRESSES — Kassel, clearly assigned to the Butt Patrol beat, wrote us an “urgent” email requesting information about whether our own Eddie Scarry‘s  planned to cover “big butts” at the upcoming White House Correspondents’ Dinner. There is no plan for Eddie to do that. But Kassel, being the ace reporter that he is, anticipated (good reporters do this by the way, they anticipate things BEFORE they MIGHT, MAYBE but HAVEN’T happened yet) that Eddie might have big butts on the brain. So here’s what he wrote (we’ve put it in bold):

Hi Betsy,

Hi Will,

I’m a staff writer at The New York Observer, and I’m writing an article about Eddie Scarry and the Washington correspondents dinner on Saturday. Specifically, I’m wondering if he plans to be taking any pictures of women’s butts again (I’m reaching to him as well). I’m wondering if you consider his prior coverage professional behavior, and if so, how you justify it. Why is appropriate for a media site to ridicule lumpy butts? Wose idea was it?

If you’d like to call, my number’s (609) 658-2650. As soon as possible is best, as we’d like to get this story up tomorrow morning.

Best,

Matt Kassel

He quickly followed up with this:

Actually, I don’t have Eddie’s email. Would you mind sending it my way?

First off, a quick note to Matty’s editor: Do you know that you have someone working for you who sends out emails as sloppy as this one? For starters, my name is Betsy, not Will. And why is Matt sending a note to us both? Could it possibly be because the “Will” he meant this for is Will Sommer, who writes for Washington City Paper, who is also outraged by the occasional “big butt” photograph we have run? These two are so dumb they might as well dress up in Hazmat suits and crash into each other just for fun.

Moving on. Let’s address the typos. This is — by far — my favorite sentence of Matty’s: “Wose idea was it?” Really, Matty, “Wose?” Please tell me where you went to J-School because I’d like to go there too!

Just for the hell of it, here’s some context since you’re clearly not adept at searching our website. Three years ago was the first time FBDC ever mentioned a big butt. It happened to be Kim Kardashian’s. She was attending the White House Correspondents’ Dinner as the date of Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren. One night at a party, the hot topic of conversation was Kardashian’s derriere. So we wrote about it. Van Susteren became incensed with our coverage, we had a spirited back and forth and Van Susteren apologized. She had no idea that Kardashian’s behind was actually a common conversation piece or that her big break was a sex tape. (At this point, I’ll refer you to an 11-picture slideshow of Kardashian’s butt on HuffPost here.) From there on out, it became a mild joke and we’d occasionally throw big butts into photo spreads.

And now, let’s address your dumbass questions one by one. continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

Hookerpalooza: So many hookers, so little time 

Monday at 11:36 p.m.: “The Washington Post piece today on Menendez and the Dominican hookers was completely, utterly wrong. Our story coming soon.” — The Daily Caller‘s Editor-in-Chief Tucker Carlson. 11:40 p.m.: “WaPo might have saved itself the embarrassment if they’d bothered to call us before running their stupid piece.” 12:46 a.m.: “Turns out the Washington Post got the wrong hooker: [Read here].” After going mute for 48 hours after WaPo ran a story saying one of the hookers was paid off, Breitbart‘s Matthew Boyle, who likes to brag that he broke the original hooker-Sen. Bob Menendez (D-N.J.) story for his former employer, The Daily Caller, finally piped up this morning at 12:49 a.m.: “Washington Post mixes up prostitutes. You got the wrong girl, guys.” Nevada political journalist Jon Ralston sums the whole thing up well: “Seriously, folks, what could go wrong if an “escort” was your main source?”

A journo’s dinner: “Just one of those days where 6pm Cheetos from White House vending machine is first meal of the day.” — AP‘s Josh Lederman.

Gossip columnist or therapist?

“I’m starting to think that people are using the HOH tip line to save time and money on therapy and journals.” — Roll Call HOH writer Neda Semnani.

WANTED: Fact checker: “WWR seeks to hire a researcher/fact checker for a six-month project. Work remotely from anywhere. Send resumes to westwingrpt@gmail.com” — Paul Brandus of West Wing Reports.

Oversharing Sherri

“Leaving house late again – does it ever feel like you try 2B organized but sometimes all goes awry? Where the heck is his backpack & my wig!” — ABC “The View’s” Sherri Shepherd.

Pundit urges cold beer

“The city of New Orleans Is under a boil water advisory. Another excuse to drink cold beer.” — Democratic pundit on CNN and ABC Donna Brazile.

Important news nugget of the day…“Brodie Jenner is joining the Kardashians next season. (Remember his reality show “Bromance?”)” — FBDC and TheBlaze‘s Eddie Scarry.

And now a word from BuzzFeed D.C. Bureau Chief John Stanton: “NO WASHINGTON POST IT CAN’T BE CALLED SNOWQUESTER”

Politico Playbook Publish Time: 8:25 a.m.

Convo Between a Reporter and a Researcher

Politico‘s Steve Friess: “Entertaining twitter debate betw [WaPo's Greg Sargent] & [NJ's Ron Fournier] right now. Summary: GOP bad. No, everyone is. No, just GOP.”

Logan Dobson, research analyst for The Tarrance Group, a GOP Polling firm: “Steve Friess, it’s possible we have different definitions of entertaining.”

Writing tip, important Q and more…

continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

“My little nugget gained 1.5 lbs in two weeks.” — Tim Wong, WaPo designer.

After last week’s televised tenseness in which MSNBC “Morning Joe” Co-hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinksi butted heads on chauvinist matters and he snapped his fingers in her face to move on, Scarborough made three New Year’s resolutions directed to Brzezinksi morning on “Morning Joe.” Well, at least two were directed her way: 1) “I’m not going to do that ever again.” 2) “I’m going to try to not interrupt you less in the new year.” 3) “The next time we go to the White House, I’m going to try very hard to not poop my pants.”

Chocolate Vs. Onion

“If you put a bar of chocolate next to an onion (any variety, but shallot preferred) and said ‘choose,’ I’d go for the onion every time.” — Randy Shulman, Co-Publisher of MetroWeekly.

Sherri Shepherd reports on son’s pancake breath

“As Jeffrey eats pancakes w syrup dripping from his mouth, I savor my hot water w lemon, oatmeal w berries knowing that being healthy is #1. Jeffrey now wants to kiss me w his pancake & syrup breath… WHYYYY NOWWWW. The saying ‘I want to eat you up’ is taking on a new meaning!” –  ABC “The View’s” Sherri Shepherd.

Shiner moves into self-loathing with sports analogy

“Ugh. I am the people I hate. I just used a sports analogy when talking about politics. #mendozaline #congressionaldisapproval #whoami?” — Roll Call‘s Meredith Shiner.

Travel Bitches

“The good: I bought a real New York bagel. The bad: I’m in dingy Penn Station. The ugly: And it’s not even 7 a.m.” — Washington Examiner‘s Naomi Jagoda, who explained she was in New York and New Jersey celebrating her grandfather’s 80th birthday.

Deep thoughts with two TV journos and a Breitbart editor bitchslaps CNN’s Piers Morgan…

continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

We know you have one more year-end list in you. Or maybe you don’t. But wake up anyhow because here’s ours — the 12 things that never, ever make us want to take an afternoon snooze.

12. NBC Luke Russert‘s loud and fratboyish ways. Even House Speaker John Boehner has noted his decibel level and called him “loudmouth.” Though he’ll never get White House Soup of the Day quite right when he subs for Chuck Todd on “The Daily Rundown,” among our favorite moments with Luke this year was when he had a stop and smell the roses moment at a Nats game and took a picture of a spellbinding dragonfly, which he later posted on Twitter. Perhaps more poignantly though was when he covered a Capitol Hill presser and asked House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi if she was too old to remain in the Democratic leadership. The crowd of female lawmakers openly booed him. Pelosi told him he was offensive, even if he didn’t quite get it. Among the most entertaining comments sprang from CNN’s Hilary Rosen, who wrote on Twitter, “Note to Luke Russert: Mitch McConnell is 70, Harry Reid is 73. Oh and Bob Schieffer is 75. Think they should step aside? #NewGuysRule?” The question wasn’t an inappropriate one to raise, as lawmakers themselves had been discussing it out of earshot of Pelosi. Perhaps, as some noted, the time and setting and brash way in which Russert executed his questions were troublesome. Still, we especially enjoyed the commenters on Politico. There was the irate Wendy: “Luke Russert got his ass handed back to him. Any more questions, punk?” And the more sensible Chance: “Reporters should be asking tough, offensive and even stupid questions.”

11. Video journalist Michelle Fields flashing her breasts on national TV to get a job for Fox News. Her large male online contingency didn’t mind it much, either. In the meantime The Daily Caller gave her the axe for being lazy. Somehow Executive Editor David Martosko‘s lectures didn’t work? Favorite 2012 memory: There was the January manifesto from a convicted rapist that Michelle showed off on Facebook. But we’re torn between that and the more recent BuzzFeed party, where she unashamedly performed dramatic hair flips as our own Eddie Scarry snapped pictures.

10. Most things Matthew Boyle. The 20-something dogged journo never ceases to amaze. There was the time he insisted that the President of the Free World should allow him over for an interview. The more recent jaw-dropping moment from Boyle came when he fled The Daily Caller for Breitbart.com because he wants to be the next Andrew Breitbart. He started this adventure by taking his own photograph for the site, giving himself the unfortunate look of a triple-chinned Michelin Man. In his opening story out of the gate, he wrote an atrociously unedited right-wing rant about “magic vaginas.” We’re still not sure what those our, except we think they don’t involve Sandra Fluke. It was perfect. And terrible. And because we love Boyle in our own special way, we’d like to kidnap and deprogram him before it’s too late and the goose is boiled. Stick to breaking news Boyle and it’ll be just fine. And whatever you do, don’t stay there long.

9. Inside stories from The Washington Times. Always weird, unexpected, mind-boggling happenings at the ominous building off New York Avenue. Who can forget when former writer Julia Duin publicly accused then-editor Sam Dealey of verbally abusing her by canning her on the very day she decided to bring her daughter to work? She was also reportedly on crutches that day. And then there’s the more recent spate of stories concerning the impending layoffs coming in early 2013. The newsroom has dubbed their CEO Larry Beasley “Evil Santa” for a number of reasons, including recently moving a new sofa into his office while deciding whom to lay off. He also recently displayed a Santa doll holding a Christmas tree with the word “joy” on it. As the journalists await possible pink slips, they’re anything but joyful.

See the remaining eight entries of things that never bore us… continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

A real HuffPost headline: “This kitten is unstoppable at ping pong”

Looks like Wolf’s nickname is sticking

“Sen. Ayotte called Wolf Blitzer “Blitz” on @AC360 just now.” — Former Herman Cain spokeswoman Ellen Carmichael. As everyone can recall, it was Cain who first slipped up and called CNN’s Wolf Blitzer “Blitz.”

Journo witnesses real life in-flight episode of Intervention

“This girl strung out on something just turned my entire flight experience into an episode of Intervention.” — Politico Pro producer Caitlin Emma, en route to D.C. from Boston. She continued, “They let this girl board the plane even though she was so high she was incapacitated! Crazy. Made it to DC though!”

Phillipe Cousteau: Engaged. The D.C. bachelor (and son of Jacque) is reportedly off the market. So far the bride-to-be is a mystery, with Facebook observers referring to her as “mermaid” and “lucky lady.”

Reporters complain of ugly nude protestors

“Dear naked protestors, please take lessons from PETA and at least make us want to stare at your naked hot protestor super models.” — CNN Contributor and RedState‘s Erick Erickson in reference to a nude AIDS activists who showed up to House Speaker John Boehner’s office Tuesday. Yes they were arrested. Yes, the cameras kept rolling. See pictures here.

At least PETA hires hotties when it has nude protests. — FBDC and TheBlaze‘s Eddie Scarry.

A quick memo… from Fake Jim VandeHei to National Journal Editor-in-Chief Ron Fournier, who is stepping down and becoming a national correspondent: “Ron Fournier, some of us write AND edit.” Taking a more glass half full approach, former Politico reporter and current White House correspondent for The Hill Amie Parnes sails in with this: “Ron Fournier, writing is so much better than editing. welcome back!”

A note from a congressional reporter turned fashion critic… continued…

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

Everyone knows that journalism is typically not a profession in which the big bucks roll in. So today we begin a new formal feature focusing on the perks or freebies journalists receive. If you’d like to send us news or pictures of your perks, we’d love that. And yes, your anonymity for a feature like this is guaranteed. We’re looking for truth, not trouble. Some believe the practice is grotesque — how can you accept “gifts” from sources? Doesn’t it cloud your writing? Others say, why would you be stupid not to, especially in the context of needing to try or experience certain things to write a story? Just disclose and you’re just fine.

But are you? While the ethics continue to be murky, we’ll let the items and details surrounding them speak for themselves.

We begin with a recent care package we received from BrandLink Communications on behalf of Kiehl’s. The goody bag contained Cross-Terrain All-in-One Refueling Wash which doubles as delectable shampoo and body wash. Smells clean, fresh and linen-y without being overpowering. Both men and women could get away with using it. Other items: miniature rich, nourishing original body cream, Eucalyptus Lip Relief (FBDC’s Eddie Scarry refused it after sniffing it. He said it smells like Campho Phenique), Cross-Terrain UV Skin Protector (SPF 50) — looks like creme brulee and smells so ultra-fresh and beachy it could pass for an ingenious perfume, Ultra Facial Cream (delicious whipped butter consistency), Ultimate Strength Hand Salve (also smells like Campho Phenique), Midnight Recovery Concentrate (which promises a better complexion by morning) and the exciting Facial Fuel Eye De-Puffer.

Have a perk you’d like to tell us about? Write us at FishbowlDC@mediabistro.com or to Betsy@mediabistro.com.

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

Journo witnesses oatmeal disaster

“Old man just spilled oatmeal all over his shirt. Thought he could lazily spoon his breakfast without consequence. Now heading to restroom.” — FBDC and The Blaze’s Eddie Scarry in the EavesDropCafe.

Important Question to Ponder: “Even if you’re a hard-core partisan, is it really stimulating to watch hour after hour of TV that just repeats your view of the world?” — Politico‘s Alexander Burns.

TIPS FROM THE POOL, INTO THE DEEP END

White House Pooler Todd Gillman of the Dallas Morning News focused on movie references in a Pool Report last night in Beverly Hills: “The president appeared before 600 or so hooting, hollering supporters at an LGBT campaign fund-raiser in a ballroom at the Beverly Wilshire – the ‘Pretty Woman’ hotel. They gave him a prolonged standing ovation, chanting “Four more years!” after an introduction from a gay Army doctor. The stage was striking. Obama spoke from a lectern, no seal, with an enormous American flag draped behind him like the scene in ‘Patton,’ his head not even reaching the top of the fourth stripe.”

Self-appointed media critic

“I hear after last night MSNBC is changing its slogan from ‘Lean Forward’ to ‘Bend Over’” –  CNN Contributor and RedState.com Editor Erick Erickson.

Quote Taken out of Context

“No lisa, but I sure don’t want to eat this crappy breakfast.” — Jason Koebler, tech writer for U.S. News & World Report and music writer for Washingtonian.

Leibovich doubts chumminess of morning show teams

“As citizens, we should all strive for the warmth, rapport and genuine love that seems to pervade morning TV teams. Sarcasm, dudes, sarcasm…especially love how close the morning TV teams appear on those billboards.” — NYT‘s Mark Leibovich getting his Twitter on this morning.

Breitbartonian attacks BuzzFeed Ben

“Someone needs to tell @BuzzFeedBen that when a politician says “jump,” the followup question is “why?”, not ‘how high?’” — Breitbart.com’s Ezra Dulis (Always exciting to hear about yet another Ezzy on the planet.)

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

Newt gives Chris Matthews a compliment (of sorts)

On MSNBC’s Morning Joe this morning, former GOP hopeful Newt Gingrich called Chris Matthews “slightly whacked” and says that’s why he’s kept his show for so long.

Ingraham dings Deutsch and Dr. Oz

“OMG–Donny Deutsch & Dr Oz talking G Spots on CNN now. Get a room!” — Conservative radio host Laura Ingraham. MSNBC Contributor Donny Deutsch filled in for CNN’s Piers Morgan last night. They also discussed healthy versus unhealthy livers.

Politico Playbook Weirdness

See what happens when Politico‘s Mike Allen takes several days off?

“Did anyone else get a May 17 version of Playbook delivered this morning?” — PBS Newshour’s Christina Bellantoni. WCP‘s Managing Editor Mike Madden quickly replied, “Haven’t gotten it yet at all today. Been pretty screwy for few weeks. I signed up for official version instead of Mikey’s send.”

Bird commits attempted thievery against journo

“Bird just scared the sh*t out of me as it tried to steal my muffin. #AttackCafe” — FBDC and The Blaze‘s Eddie Scarry in an early morning tweet. Eddie later told me, “Seriously, it was like that movie ‘The Birds.’ They’re the tiny harmless ones but I was honestly afraid because they travel in flocks.” He added, “One bird flew onto my muffin (that sounds dirty) and picked at it before I shooed it away. But then several came to gang up on it.” Be safe, Eddie.

From the Peanut Gallery…“Today’s Style section has got to be the dullest the Washington Post has ever produced!!!!” — DCRTV’s Dave Hughes, who is really like family to FBDC.

Guardian features condom q

“@guardianstyle wear a condom or use a condom?” — Jessica Lake. In response, Guardian Style replied,”That’s a very personal question for a grammar microblog, Jessica.”

Journo questions Tina’s news judgement

“Why does Tina Brown think Americans care about the #british royal family as much as she does?” — Barbara Slavin, Washington correspondent for Al-Monitor.com.

And now, a semi-polite request from The Daily Beast columnist and MSNBC Contributor Meghan McCain: “If you are going to excerpt my book without permission – please don’t bastardize the context of my statements. The book is meant to be read.” Her new book: America, You Sexy Bitch.

Highly Unnecessary Tweet of the Day

“Perfect park slope lunch: salami, mozzarella, eggplant and peppers sandwich from the pork store and granita from what used to be ozzies.” — The Nation‘s Ben Adler, who spent the bulk of Wednesday pouting about this item on The Nation‘s illustrious Editor-at-Large and MSNBC Host Chris Hayes. The only contender for this feature came from conservative blogger Robert Stacy McCain: “Just woke up from a LONG nap.” Thanks for sharing Stacy!

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

“The lawn at the British Ambassador’s residence is prepared for Prince Harry garden reception.” — Bloomberg’s Stephanie Green with accompanying photograph.

What’s Driving the Day: “Made a quick run to the store tonight and experienced the most unsubtle stare at my rear end by a dude since I was in college.” — Blogger and writer Danielle Belton, author of The Black Snob.

A journo’s emotional outpouring for Lugar

“Politics aside, @dicklugar is 1 of the most gracious pols I’ve covered. At each stop he shakes each reporter’s hand, thanks them for coming.” — Politico‘s Dave Catanese, who is traveling to Indiana today so his email response time may lag.

Drudge Whoring

“I love Drudge headline right now… can we just bask in Matt Drudge’s genius?” — The Daily Caller‘s Matthew Boyle in a memorable tweet from last week.

It’s not Love Story but it’s something…“I love Reagan National airport so much that we need a Constitutional amendment prohibiting me from marrying it.” — Slate‘s Dave Weigel.

Journo wants Obama to stop being such a p—y

“Obama is being a coward on issue of gay marriage. Stand for what you believe in, there’s no shame in that.” — The Daily Caller‘s Jason Howerton.

Shots fired by Mr. Scarry

“Daily Caller’s Michelle Fields is a big girl. Doesn’t need to be kid gloved like she just was by O’Reilly.” — FBDC and The Blaze‘s Eddie Scarry. A note to “AnonymASS” who always flips out, sometimes with physical threats, when we write about your beloved Michelle: Deal with it.

Reporter gets in touch with himself

“I feel in touch with my Oregon roots every time I pull my bicycle up to a valet parking stand. #putabirdonit” — NPR White House Correspondent Ari Shapiro.

Kidney stones still on their way out

“Welcome new followers. I’ll be back next week fully engaged with my tweeps. I’m convalescing All Tweets pre-set via @hootsuite xo.” — a message from NBC theGrio’s Sophia Nelson this morning. Sophia tweeted about her kidney stone issues over the weekend intermingled with inspirational thoughts on connecting with God.

PBS’ Gwen Ifill asks: “Honest question. When is the last time we’ve seen a series of such delayed, grudging endorsements?” (She’s of course referring to Rick Santorum‘s 11 p.m. lackluster email endorsement of Mitt Romney.)

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

“Senator, the pornographic material has been removed from your desk.” — the note that “Veep” actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus said she left in Sen. Al Franken‘s (D-Minn.) desk on the Senate floor. She broke the news to Jon Stewart on The Daily Show last night.

Perino’s mesmerizing Pack

“The shiny backpack is memorizing [sic] to airport security. Looks great on he X-ray belt.” — Fox News Contributor Dana Perino. We’re pretty sure she meant mesmerizing. As some readers know, we’ve been having some fun with Perino’s sequined backpack this week after FNC’s Greg Gutfeld razzed her about it.

Yeah sure, Eddie

“Guy on bike actually hit me as I was running but my spidey senses kicked in and I was able to minimize the damage to my spinal cord.” — FBDC and The Blaze’s very imaginative Eddie Scarry. We’ll check for bruises later to make sure he’s okay.

Journo gets delayed by buggy, bonnet wearing woman

“Why yes, I did get delayed en route to Lancaster, PA, when I got stuck behind a horse-drawn buggy driven by a woman in a bonnet. America!” — The Atlantic‘s Molly Ball.

Leibo’s words of wisdom: ‘”Cartagena could be buzzword for wild behavior in political-roadtrip context. Usage: ‘The staff went all Cartagena at the victory party.’” — NYT’s Mark Leibovich.

Those were the days…

“Just reminiscing that when I covered the Clinton White House, it was the Secret Service that was embarassed [sic] by the president. Times change.” — CNBC’s Eamon Javers referring to members of the Secret Service purchasing prostitutes in Colombia.

Dolly Parton has a fan in the Washington Press Corps

“I’m never going to be a Meryl Streep. But then, she’ll never be a Dolly Parton either. Be true to you! ” — Dolly Parton. This was retweeted by Newsweek senior reporter Daniel Stone. The Hill‘s Amie Parnes then weighed in, saying, “I love that you RTed that.” Stone then felt compelled to reply: “Yep. Anyone who would apologize for RTing @Dolly_Parton aint a real fan.”

Juana attends ‘Nerd Happy Hour’

“Epitome of #nerdhappyhour w/ @ZekeJMiller, @evanmc_s and @ethanklapper.” — Politico‘s Juana Summers. As most know, Zeke Miller works for BuzzFeed, Evan McMorris Santoro for TPM and Ethan Klapper is at HuffPost.

Yesha on the phone

“My friend on the phone, ‘I’ve had sex with 3 women’..umm…thanks for that info…you’re not my type…she’s ridiculous.” — D.C. web designer and blogger Yesha Callahan, who later added, “She’s such a weirdo.”

By the way…HuffPost‘s David Wood, who won a Pulitzer, has a fan at Politico. It’s his wife, Assistant Managing Editor Beth Frerking.

Cryptic Convo Between Two Journos

Politico‘s Jonathan Martin to no one in particular: “Why won’t xxx apologize to xxx for xxx.” And this: “Xxx is saying xxx bc they don’t want to talk about xxx.”

Leibovich to Martin: “It’s a sign of desperation.”

Martin: “Mark Leibovich, it’s sad that xxx is turning to desperate negative attacks…’sad’ is good. ‘disappointing’ my fave. ‘unfortunate’ not bad.”

Leibovich: “Jonathan Martin, I’m finding all of this deeply troubling. I’m desperate to change the subject.”

Fish Poll Results: Yesterday we asked what you thought of DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz‘s (D-Fla.) new hairstyle and color. Most of you like it. In fact, 60.23 percent chose “Love it. She looks good with straight hair.” A reader named “Gussley” wrote in the Comment Section, “Hair, like chests, should be neither too big or totally flat on a woman.”

Peter Ogburn contributed to this report.

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

Profanity Count

Fuck: 45

Shit: 13

Cow shit: 1

Dog shit: 1

Bullshit: 5

Dick: 2

Balls: 1

P—y: 2

Ass: 6

Asshole: 5

C–k: 3

Pot. P—y. Palin. Religion. These were just some of the topics HBO comedian and “Real Time” host Bill Maher addressed before a crowd in Rockville, Md.

“We get two parties and one can’t be for pot?” Maher asked incredulously at the top of the show. Dressed in a watermelon-colored T-shirt and faded blue jeans, Maher’s hair was styled in his familiar slicked back blond-gray do. “Pot is the one issue that unites hillbillies and hippies.”

As the evening wore on he moved through the GOP candidates, President Obama and religion at a quick clip, moving on to sex, marriage, Cialis, ex-Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.), ex-Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) and House Speaker John Boehner. “Contraception? I thought we already accepted that,” he said. “Presidential candidates talking about rubbers?”

On Obama: “Obama is half black and half white. I think the first term was the white term and now we’re going to get the black term.” The crowd roared with applause. Maher encouraged the President to change up his hairstyle. “Grow your hair out! That alone would accomplish a great deal. I would donate another million if you grow your hair out.”

On GOP hopeful Rick Santorum: “He’s more backed up than whatever highway is near here.” … “And I love the sweater vest. Let’s see, what should I be, the pedophile at a church picnic.”

On GOP hopeful Mitt Romney: “Most people know that Mitt Romney is Richie Rich Prick.”

On GOP hopeful Newt Gingrich: “There are actual newts that are less slimy than Newt.” Maher pointed out that Gingrich left his first and second wives who had cancer and multiple sclerosis. He asked, “How is it that when Newt fucks you, you get very very sick?”

On ex-Rep. Weiner: “This is a guy who has a sex scandal and doesn’t get any p—y. Really, not a blowjob from an intern or a tryst in a men’s bathroom?”

On Palin: “Who has better qualifications than Sarah Palin? She’s got a Facebook. She should be president.”

At one point during the religion portion of his material, he remarked on the Catholic Church and joked about the Pope wearing a dunce cap. He said, “I was never molested. It’s their loss, I was a cute kid.” He also went off on Mother Theresa and said that even she had a crisis of faith during her life. “This is like finding out that the colonel doesn’t eat the chicken!” Maher cracked.

On Fox News: “Outside the Fox News bubble are facts. You can actually measure shit.”

On suicide: Maher said he’s “pro-suicide” or “whatever clears the highway.”

Maher recalled a USA Today story on weather casters who doubted global warming. He said his weather caster was a “woman with big tits who used to be on Telemundo.”

At one point the audience moaned as Maher seemed to go too far. “Sorry,” he said laughing as he looked out into the subdued suburban crowd. “I don’t know where the edge is here.”

Note to Readers: FBDC’s Eddie Scarry was responsible for tracking the number of times Maher said “fuck.”

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

Maher’s performance was last night at Strathmore Auditorium in Rockville, Md.

Our winner was Marty Gruss of Silver Spring. The star entry: “Bill Maher is an intelligently funny politically incorrect pot smoking religulous Catholic Jewish Atheist in tight trousers with a huge internet penis who likes his coffee black, like his women.”

Others we liked: 1. “Maher is a lone ranger of reason, providing a temporary oasis of progressive sanity in a world drowning in a red-sea made from distorted truths, bile and 100% dog-shit.” 2. “#BillMaher is the muthereffing truthtella who aint #Politically Incorrrect, he’s HBO-Home Boy On!” 3. “Bill Maher; He’s like a combination of Tommy Chong, George Carlin, and Richard Dawkins – with less “pot” jokes and a better wardrobe.”

Last night FBDC’s Eddie Scarry and I spotted Gruss a mile away. He was scruffy and wore a black Marilyn Manson jacket. We said to each other, “I’ll bet that is Marty!” And soon enough he was sitting two seats away. He had to be our winner.

We asked what he thought of Maher’s performance and this is what he had to say:

“Most of the show seemed to be about politics, along with religion, then at the end a little about marriage to make the car ride home uncomfortable for married couples who attended together. Having seen Bill Maher do shows back in the 1990′s in small comedy clubs, it was exciting to get to see him play such a big venue. It’s great to see that long drawn out Republican presidential candidate nomination process is at least helping one person’s career: Bill Maher.”

A big thank you to the 930 Club for making this contest possible.

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

Human Events

As the intrepid FBDC Contributor Eddie Scarry reported yesterday, there are changes happening at Human Events — and not all favorable ones for those involved. For instance, he reported that at least two writers are now out of jobs with more cuts expected on the horizon.

“Unfortunately, sometimes a company needs to do a bit of restructuring in order to move forward,” Joe Guerriero, Vice President and Group Publisher of Eagle Publishing, told FishbowlDC. He said the company is injecting “significant investment” into the paper.

As was reported, Eagle, which owns Human Events, will relaunch their flagship newspaper on April 16. They promise a “much broader distribution on Capitol Hill” and the addition of new writers like Hope Hodge, who comes to Human Events from the Jacksonville, N.C. Daily News where she was a military reporter, and nationally syndicated columnist David Harsanyi, which they announced this morning.

Other changes: They will add “key government agencies” to their circulation list and additional distribution points throughout DC.

The big get…In order to “breathe some life into the paper”, they’ve hired Patrick Mitchell to lead the re-design of the paper.  They hail him as “one of the top magazine and newspaper designers in the country.”  Past credits include stints as Creative Director of O, The Oprah Magazine for Hearst, Nylon, Fast Company and Kiplinger’s.  Pat has also served as Art Director and lead Designer at Billboard, 02138 (for Harvard Alumni), the Detroit Free Press, The Dallas Morning News, and Whittle Communications.

Now let’s hope they don’t go the way of Joan Rivers or Goldie Hawn when altering Human Events. Change can be good. Turning someone into a monstrous version of herself is not.

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.

In dangerously important FishbowlDC news, tonight I’m kidnapping FBDC Contributor Eddie Scarry, threatening him about a whole range of infractions and forcing him to live tweet Politico‘s livestream reality show with me.

The fun and games begin at 7 p.m. Follow us here: @FishbowlDC.

Beginning at 7 p.m. EDT, viewers can tune into the show nationally on C-SPAN, in the Washington, D.C., metro area on News Channel 8, at www.politico.com/livestream and via POLITICO’s iPad and iPhone apps.

New Career Opportunities Daily: The best jobs in media.