Normally Ogburn handles giving advice to those who have sunk so far into despair that they seek advice from the husband and wife team of Washingtonian‘s Harry Jaffe and his wife, Louise. This week, thanks to logistical issues, it falls to me. Here’s the question from Almost Out of Patience:

Dear Harry and Louise:

I work with a jerk. Every day at the office, he makes snide remarks and undermines me and my colleagues. He works on projects with someone and then publicly complains to others about his partner. He is quick to criticize anyone else’s ideas. He considers himself the expert on everything. He praises himself and even sends e-mails about his latest accomplishments to all of us. I’ve just been assigned to work on a project with him. There is no point in trying to go over his head, because the boss will do nothing. To the outside, he is viewed as a success and an important part of the office.

How do I face him each day without decking him?

Almost Out of Patience

Dear “Almost,” while Harry and Louise gave you sound advice on how to be the perfect doormat for this jackass, and were horrified at the prospect of decking him, I won’t be so PC. No, you shouldn’t hit the dude, but you also shouldn’t lay down and take it. Prostitutes “take it,” you need to be the john here.

Get together with the other Jell-O backs in the office and see if you can’t all get together and form one spine. When this jackass starts patting himself on the back about his work to everyone in the office, call him out on it. Have your co-workers chime in with some laughs when he announces something publicly, or some creative “reply all” emails when he’s tooting his own horn.

When not bursting his bubble, have everyone ignore him. And I’m not talking about some half-assed not inviting him to lunch stuff, I mean like he constantly smells like a fart. Avoid him, ignore him, he doesn’t exist. When people are forced to talk to him, don’t make any eye contact at all. NONE. After a week of no one looking him in the eye he won’t be able to stand it.

This dude craves attention…

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It’s time again for NOT Harry and Louise, the feature that helps Harry Jaffe and his wife, Louise answer questions from their advice column in Washingtonian magazine. Because, hell yes, they need help. So, here’s a recent question they received from Sister’s Safekeeper…

Dear Harry and Louise:

My sister is in a relationship with a married man who has two kids. He keeps promising to propose to her once he divorces the first love of his life. My sister is an accomplished specialist physician, but she is somehow infatuated with this bogus character. He’s a nobody with a rap sheet of killing a man while driving under the influence of alcohol. He never told her all the complications he had in his life until he ensured that she couldn’t do without him. I have tried my very best to talk her out of it, but she seems charmed by him. Bear in mind that his real life is going on normally with his wife and kids, which makes my sister his spare-time mistress.

Please help me find a way to break them up without hurting my sister, for she entrusted me with her heart, and I can’t support her, nor can I think of a way to keep him away.

Am I the only person thinking that they are starting to stage their questions? Has this not been the plot line for hundreds of movies? What’s next? Let me guess…

“Dear Harry and Louise, I am a protagonist loner who longs to find the love of my life. I have met someone who comes from a different way of life and culture than me. Will society ever accept us? Will our love endure the test of time despite those around us not giving us their blessing?”

Before we wade into the murky waters of relationship advice…

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It’s time for this week’s installment of NOT Harry and Louise.  Hell, as long as Washingtonian continues to give Harry Jaffe and his wife, Louise, an advice column, we’ll continue to help them answer reader questions. Because if THEY’RE qualified to give relationship advice, WE’RE qualified to give relationship advice. Let’s help them out and answer this week’s dilemma from Brother’s Keeper.

QUESTION – I need advice on what could be an awkward and uncomfortable situation. I am going to a friend’s wedding in a few weeks, and she has recently reconnected with an old high school friend of hers, who will also be at the wedding. Here’s where it gets interesting. I was almost the maid of honor to this old high school friend. She was engaged to my brother, but she had an affair and ended the engagement. I haven’t seen her in four years, and I’m not sure how friendly—or unfriendly—to act.

RESPONSE – OK, so we are going off the rails this week. Instead of giving our advice to Brother’s Keeper, we are going to offer free, unsolicited advice to Harry Jaffe. Because Harry’s response to this question in his advice column is so weird, we couldn’t ignore it. So, please read his advice to the question:

HARRY’S ANSWER – A few years ago, Louise and I attended a swank national book award ceremony and dinner at the Folger Library . . . so haute intellectual. Across the room, I spotted a writer with whom I had once been very close. Though we had become alienated because he thought I’d behaved badly with a woman, he still affected a faux closeness and always greeted me as if we were still tight. This phoniness had been festering for four years. So that evening, I crossed the room, tapped him on the shoulder, and told him he could take his false friendship and shove it.

I felt great—for about an hour. We haven’t spoken since. I regret my impulsive reaction.

Perhaps my short-lived self-satisfaction will help you through your unexpected meeting with the woman who brought your brother low. If you confront her, it might make you feel better for a few minutes, but it won’t last. Best to be cordial, perhaps chilly. She did unto your brother, not unto you. Besides, there’s no need for drama. It’s your friend’s wedding. Do nothing to ruin her day.

OUR ANSWER – Wait, really? THAT’S your great advice? Apparently, we need to try and help Harry, too.

First of all, yes we all caught the  not-so-subtle brag about being part of the “haute intellectual.” Way to crowbar that in. Second, you “behaved badly with a woman??” Details please! You know your wife is the co-author of this advice column, don’t you? Third, we do applaud you on having an aversion to phoniness. But Harry, the point of an advice column is to HELP other people. Not to to try and impress us with the fact that you won’t back down from an altercation, even at hoity toity events around town. Although, we would like to see how long a “haute intellectual” like you would last in a fistfight.

You can read more Harry and Louise here

As some of you already know, we’ve started a new series here in the Fishbowl where we help Washingtonian out with their advice column “Ask Harry and Louise.” As we’ve noted before, it’s not that we don’t LIKE the Harry Jaffe and his wife, Louise.  It’s just that if THEY are qualified to write an advice column, then WE are qualified to write an advice column.  Here’s this week’s question from “Feuding Father.”

QUESTION: Four years ago, we were visiting my parents in Florida when my brother-in-law had a run in with my son, who was 11 at the time. My son was running across the living room when my brother-in-law stuck out his foot and tripped him. My son wasn’t hurt badly, but he came up crying. “Why did you trip me?” he asked. My brother-in-law thinks of himself as a jokester, and he probably didn’t mean to hurt my son. But he said, “I didn’t trip you. You’re a klutz. You fell down.” My son, who’s small for his age, couldn’t believe it and said, “Uncle Stu, you stuck your foot out.” Instead of admitting it or laughing it off, Stu replied, “You’re a liar. Don’t be such a girl!” I didn’t see this, but my wife was in the room. She was aghast. I asked my brother-in-law to apologize so we could move on. He refused. We have not spoken since. My mom has invited us to Thanksgiving dinner. It would be the first time we would be with my brother-in-law. My wife wants to make peace, but my son is still wounded, and I never got my apology. Should we go to dinner?

OUR ANSWER: Your brother-in-law sounds like the type of ruthless, psychotic maniac that is perfect for a management position at Politico.  But, that doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy.  I’m sure he thought he was being funny. It was four years ago.  It’s time to move on.  If a reporter for Politico Pro held onto a grudge like that every time Tim Grieve did the journalistic equivalent of tripping them up or making them feel badly about themselves, we’d have no more reporters in Washington. I guess what I’m trying to say is…  While being somewhat of a dick and a sexist, Uncle Stu has a point.  While I wouldn’t make fun of a kid like he did, you are being sort of a baby.  Now, suck it up, schedule dinner with him and WIN THE DAY!!!

Quotes of the Day

Politico has closet Snooki

“I found a Groupon for half off a mystic tan session on the @politico copier recently. It named name. It was amazing.” — Politico‘s Laura McGann to The Atlantic‘s Molly Ball, a former Politico reporter. McGann would not reveal who the tanning fiend is.

Condolences to soon to be Reuters scribe Sam Youngman on the death of his grandfather this week.

Not so sexy

“These little blue pills won’t put hope in your rope. They could make you sick.#viagra #counterfeit #China” — WTOP’s Jim Farley promo-ing an online story about U.S. Customs officials seizing a thousands of shipments of potentially dangerous pills made of rat poison, sheet rock and wall paint. Read here.

From the Dept. of Complaints…

“If you have questions or comments about the work of other journalists you should take it to them.” — ABC News White House Correspondent Jake Tapper.

HuffPost scribe mocks Demi-Ashton breakup

“I’ve just informed the Huffpost DC office that they can leave early if they’re too shaken by the Demi-Ashton news.” — HuffPost‘s Sam Stein.

Journo has special affection for Diane Keaton

“I don’t think it’s possible for me to love someone more than I love Diane Keaton.” — WaPo Style writer Dan Zak.

Realities of White House travel

“I think jetlag is trending in northern territories,” — CBS News Chief White House Correspondent Norah O’Donnell to ABC News’s Tapper. The White House scribes were in Bali Thursday.

Belated Happy Birthday wishes for Washingtonian’s Harry Jaffe. His birthday was Thursday.

“On the #NRCruise, I have to write my Tweets out longhand and attach them to carrier pidgeons, where they fly to Twitter-equipped buoys.” — National Review Online‘s Jim Geraghty, who apparently would rather be anywhere else. “One of the highlights of this #NRCruise: Missing last night’s Jets game. Urgh.”

It’s not that we don’t like Harry Jaffe. (On the occasion that he writes something there’s a decent shot it’s good, such as his in-depth profile on the Robert Wone murder.)  It’s not that we don’t like Washingtonian—after all, we’re all for finding out who has the best taquitos or where to go for a last minute getaway. One thing we DON’T expect from the Washingtonian is an advice column from Jaffe and his wife, Louise.  Harry has done a lot of good work, but are we really supposed to feel comfortable watching him give advice on how a man should approach his wife to confront her affair?? Look… If they are qualified to give advice, WE’RE qualified to give advice. So, we’ll take the questions submitted to the Harry & Louise column and give answers that are just as appropriate as theirs.  For instance…  Here’s a recent question posed to Harry & Louise from “Solace Seeker.”

QUESTION – I’ve got this new asshole boss. He’s young and cocky, and he’s making all sorts of big changes at the firm. I’m working longer hours, and since I’m not a roll-with-the-punches sort of guy, it’s becoming a consuming thing for me—and for my wife. She listens, to a point, but she’s increasingly tired of hearing me vent about the office and my bastard of a boss. At first she would empathize and help me come up with solutions, but now she seems to be frustrated that I’m not solving the problem after all this time. Lately, all she says is, “You really should talk to a therapist.” I can understand the impulse, because there’s somewhat of an imbalance here—I have a hard time focusing much on her problems these days. But what the hell? Every time there’s a real problem in my life, I’m supposed to take my conversation to a shrink? My wife is always touting the importance of talking—well, this is what talking is for. Solace, understanding, working through a situation. This is what I need from her—my lover, my friend, my partner. Is this unreasonable to ask?

OUR ANSWER – OK…  Clearly you work for Garret Graff.  So, let’s get that out of the way.  And as for the changes, yes we understand.  Putting a weird advice column in the middle of Washingtonian is bizarre and goes against what the Washingtonian is known for.  Good for your wife for standing up. Someone clearly needs to take charge.  Wait…  Is this a letter from Harry Jaffe?  And your wife is Louise?  Did you just write a letter to your own advice column?

– PETER OGBURN

There are awards you want to pin up on your refrigerator. Then there are those best swept under the rug. This is one of those.

In the November issue of Washingtonian, Harry Jaffe takes his machete to Newsweek/The Daily Beast‘s Washington Bureau Chief Howard Kurtz for the idiotic episode in which he quotes House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) dinging President Obama‘s message operation. He was working off notes from another reporter and apparently his eyeballs fell out during the transcribing process. Jaffe, who called it the “2011′s most embarrassing correction” was determined to give Kurtz the award – if he didn’t earn it for getting the Speaker’s quote disastrously wrong, he was going to get it for not knowing he was talking to that scoundrel (we use this word semi-affectionately) Kurt Bardella as opposed to Congressman Darrell Issa (R-Calif.). How Kurtz could have confused Bardella’s twentysomething voice for Issa’s is still a mystery of JonBenet Ramsey proportions. Unless…was Bardella imitating the Viper car alarm voice once used by his boss? Even then, alarm bells should have erupted in Kurtz’s head.

Congratulations to Kurtz for winning Jaffe’s dunce cap.

Washingtonian‘s Harry Jaffe is taking a break from skewering WaPo‘s Steamed Marcus Brauchli to — WHOA! — give advice with his wife, Louise.

It’ll be a husband and wife war of the roses kind of column called “Ask Harry & Louise.” Apparently they don’t always agree on everything?

The launch was this morning at 10 a.m. and involves a married woman who spends a little too much time on the side with a guy named “Dan.” Harry discusses “brain sex” and trust. Louise gets all organized about it, columns and all. Read here.

An email dispatch explains,”We have been fielding your questions and tussling over the answers for months. Now we have columns to get us through November. In a nutshell, we will distinguish our advice from others — Savage Love, Dear Prudence, Carolyn Hax, etc. — by offering two distinct answers: Louise’s reasonable voice; Harry’s rash response. A twofer! We will not be giving up our day jobs any time soon. Louise will teach; I will write.”

Washingtonian’s Harry Jaffe and daughter, Rose

A mysterious hand model holds a martini.

Something needed to perk up the subdued crowd at the Newseum’s Cartoon & Cocktails last night. And Carol Knopes, Director of Education Projects for the Radio TV News Directors Foundation, was just the woman to do it. She began low-key with a few Qadaffi jokes, saying, “If the Qadaffi family is in the back of the room, I’m sorry about all this.” The second Qadaffi joke came minutes later as she announced that they were getting in the first Qadaffi cartoon, you know, the one after he was assassinated.

If that sounds tame, she grew racier as the evening wore on as the quiet crowd bid on the cartoons of some 60 artists. At one point Knopes twirled around on stage and remarked, “I’m going to give you the full monty here,” she said, although she never made good on her promise.

The gimmicky night included a string of auctioneers that included Washingtonian‘s National Editor Harry Jaffe and Politico‘s Ken Vogel. C-SPAN Communications Director Howard Mortman was spotted in the crowd. Jaffe was there with his daughter, Rose, a cartoonist who has published work in the Michigan Daily. Astonishingly, a Newseum employee (who shall remain nameless) asked Rose how often the Michigan Daily comes out. She politely told him daily.

Jaffe hammed it up on stage. “How did I get so lucky to follow Carol?” he asked. “Do I have to take my clothes off?” Vogel, meanwhile, was having trouble reaching the minimum bid on a Donald Trump/Sarah Palin cartoon. “I spent months with her up there in Alaska,” Vogel pleaded to the crowd. “You owe me.”

Knopes, Ms. Full Monty herself, cracked on Vogel, saying, “Are you filing while we’re sitting here? Everyone at Politico seems to have nine jobs.” Vogel may have heard her, but he didn’t react.

She swiftly moved on to a joke involving the Wonder Bra.

A cartoon with former House Maj. Leader Tom DeLay.

Our shoe victim in yesterday’s “Whose Shoes?” contest was none other than RCP‘s Erin McPike, the most often guessed “Whose Shoes” participant in FishbowlDC history. No, no, we’re only joking. It was Washingtonian media writer Harry Jaffe.

Jaffe purchased the shoes at the Fifth Avenue Cole Haan in Manhattan in 2010.