We laughed. We cried. And then like crazed crackheads we went back for more and clicked on all 50 links because we just couldn’t help ourselves. Reading the snippets from The Hill‘s 50 Most Beautiful summer pageant is nearly as much fun as combing newspapers around the country for Weiner headlines or hunting for middle finger graphics. We scoured the pages and found the most memorable of the lot. Enjoy!
10. “I know this sounds kind of cliche, but doing community service, you know how to love others.” — #1 Amy Cheng. This is what we imagine Jonbenet Ramsey said at her beauty pageant before sashaying around the room in clothing fit for a 6-year-old prostitute.
9. “She says she keeps her hair shiny by using a family recipe: She mashes up an avocado with olive oil, rubs the mixture into her hair and lets it sit under a shower cap for an hour. When she washes it out, it shines like a freshly waxed limousine.” — Written by Jordy Yager in the snippet on #7′s Kalinda Stephenson. We’re going out to get the concoction as soon as humanly possible.
8. Rep. Kristi “Noem declined to participate in the interview for this feature.” Even so, they compliment her. The mini-profile says she’d look good in anything, including a potato sack. Please, a potato sack? How about hunting down that potato sack off the House floor and getting her to talk?
7. “She’s really looking forward to the release of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. So if you’re thinking about asking her out, there’s your chance.” — This came from Alex Bolton about our Lens Crafters lady Mandi Critchfeld.
6. “Amelia Wang is cheerful, gracious, winsome — and totally into blood sports.”
5. Megan Howard‘s Relationship Status: “Not single and very happy” (We don’t want to insinuate anything, but what does this mean exactly? More the merrier? Friends With Benefits?)
4. Adam Kohnstamm‘s Relationship Status: Girlfriend (“She says I’m off limits.”)
3a. Lee Lilley is clearly taken unless any of the ladies out there want a semi-balding Kelsey Grammer twin. “Relationship status: “In a serious relationship, and happily so.” As one Fishbowler remarked angrily, “Why does he have to say ‘happily so?’ What’s he going to do, say he’s unhappy?”
3. “The maggots were not good, and they got stuck in your teeth,” said Josh Grossman. “People who’ve had snake say it tastes like chicken — it does. … And scorpions have a weird crunch.” He then admits a bit wistfully, “I missed out on the [meal] where they served tarantula.” As for his go-to food, he calls himself an ‘inventive sandwich guy,’ coming up with a new version every day.”
2a. “I’m the baby [of the family], so everyone’s always in my grill,” said Fleites, who has five older siblings and 13 nieces and nephews.” — About a “dazzling” beauty named Carlos Fleites, whose family members are not apparently big proponents of birth control.
2. “He runs in Rock Creek Park and goes to the gym, and he went vegetarian for two years to combat an overeating tendency that once plagued him.” — About a beauty named Michael Woestehoff with questionable hair. We’re glad to hear that “overeating tendency” isn’t dogging him anymore.
1a. Dean Thompson is so goal oriented we can hardly stand it: “Another new goal: daily flossing. His dentist gave him a study showing that flossing every day strengthens the immune system. ‘I have scratched in Sharpie in my mirror, ‘floss everyday,’ Thompson said.”
1. Hands down top quote is this one from the exquisitely-named Ify Ike. There’s clearly nothing iffy about her: “My body loves feeling nauseous,” she said, her full lips splitting to reveal a huge smile. “It feels so good to be alive, to realize how much you can push yourself.”