In our weekly recap of the ramblings of WaPo’s Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist, Gene Weingarten, we’ve seen some pretty bizarre prose, but this week might take the cake. In fact, Weingarten hardly writes anything at all in his piece. You see, Gene’s favorite writer has left him. No, it’s not another WaPo scribe taking a buyout. It’s William Murray. You’re probably wondering who the hell he is. (Hint – He didn’t play Carl Spackler in Caddyshack.) He was the public information officer for the Vienna, Va. Police Department and recently retired. Apparently, Weingarten was a fan of how Murray would take mundane stories and turn them into something wonderful. Gene then gives us 13 of his favorite headlines from Murray including:

• A juvenile advised that he hid his backpack in the park and when he returned to retrieve it, he found that someone had set it on fire.

• A citizen reported that unknown subjects wrote offensive words on her vehicle using what appeared to be ice cream.

• Ofcr. Sheeran responded to a known female subject in the process of concealing a beef tenderloin in her purse.

These are cute and all and the beef is an obvious glimpse into Weingarten’s subconscious, but does Gene REALLY think this is worth writing? He barely even DOES any writing. He literally put six sentences together and then copied these blurbs. Hell, my 4-year old could do that. Can HE have a Pulitzer now?