…”If the plot is nicked, you must convict.”

Congratulations! You’ve won your very own Boxer-as-Mona Lisa lithograph (pictured in yesterday’s post).

You can claim it at the Louvre’s courtesy desk; simply ask for “Freres Jacques.”

Which one of these movies will get made first?

This one, about Santa Claus’ loser brother with the $20 million star, or this one, from the $20 million director with the highest grossing film of all time?

A nickel says Vince is in theaters in a fat suit come next Christmas.

Gone are the heady days where one might throw on a tux, snort 5 or 6 grams of blow to take the edge off, and depart for the Oscars.

Now, apparently, everyone needs their woovie.

The AP today chronicles the outrageous fortune of David Lehre, a budding filmmaker who exhibits all the precocious insouciance of Scorsese and all the cinema verite of Von Trier:

Lehre’s 11-minute short parodies the habits of the popular social networking site. It is told in five scenes, beginning with an underwear-clad teen who vainly takes pictures of himself in the bathroom until his mothers barges in. Another scene features a showdown between a boy and his girlfriend who demands his password to view incriminating photos on his page. The final scene shows a partygoer – an actor portraying MySpace’s co-founder Tom Anderson – vomiting while his friends capture it on camera.

Yes, friends: Be of good cheer. The future of cinema is safe, thanks to MTV, which has given him a first-look deal.

I think I need to hire an actor to portray me vomiting, too. Now wouldn’t that be meta?

We are always amazed when superstar authors wield the “Um, I dunno.” defense against plagiarism.

Take Dan Brown, who today had his day in court (in London) to fend off attacks from researchers who claim he pilfered their findings to create the multi-million copy best-seller soon to be rammed down every mammalian throat via Sony Pictures.

Brown’s novel defense, via Reuters?

“Presiding judge Peter Smith pointed out that in the Internet age, it was difficult for researchers to know the provenance of the material they were reading. He also questioned exactly what the central theme of The Holy Blood, and the Holy Grail was…Jonathan James, representing the historians at London’s High Court, countered: “If you are researching, it is up to you to know what source you are looking at”.

Really? ‘I found it on the Internet, so it must be fair game?’ That’s the defense?

Meanwhile, this whole case is a textbook Inverted Frey: Wherein an author purposely publishes truthful research but claims it as his own.

Since Johnnie Cochran‘s demise, we’ve run out of things to rhyme with “you must acquit” and so we have no clever catch-phrase to apply here.

We look to you, the FishbowlLA reader, to supply one that’s both rhythmic and legally apropos of nothing. As a starter, we’ll offer you, “If Christ’s kids are illegit, you must acquit!”

Bon chance!

It’ll be in tomorrow’s paper, obviously. Eerie to see the byline of David Shaw, who passed away at the beginning of August, on a pre-filed obituary for someone else.

L.A. Icon Otis Chandler Dies at 78 (LAT)

- David Carr says that objects in the mirror may be larger than they appear. Okay, maybe that metaphor doesn’t actually work, but he says that the current Oscar crop of smaller movies doesn’t mean that Hollywood will stop making big movies. No, really?

- I can’t believe that people trust Whoopi Goldberg more than Spike Lee.

- If only all faded celebrities were this polite when they got arrested.

You saw this coming: Bert Fields is now officially “in talks” with prosecutors about his (or at least his firm’s) possible complicity with the alleged wiretapping of Anthony Pellicano, who’s done a lot of work for him over the years.

Life & Style employees, check your phone lines.

From yesterday’s NYT Magazine article about political opposition in Belarus:

Kobets told me that Belarus’s democratic activists took their inspiration from the unlikeliest of sources: a Kevin Costner film. “The Postman,” adapted from a novel by David Brin in 1997 and critically panned, depicts an apocalyptic America where the remnants of civilization live in terror of a brutal army headed by a sadistic general. Costner’s character, a drifter, delivers a bag of old mail – information – and becomes a symbol of hope for those hoping to restore their American democracy.

Of course, it’s unsaid if the courageous Belarus reformers went to see ‘The Postman’ in the theaters or waited until it was out on DVD.

- Michael Hiltzik goes Andy Rooney on AOL.

- Well, I’m sure there are plenty of other towns that would love to host a biker rally!

- I’ll bet anyone $10 that if the word ‘underwear’ was in the headline instead of the dek, this story would be #1 on the most-emailed list.