Jordin Sparks Fights Malaria: The American Idol winner goes to Africa. And she takes some old white guy with her.

The Latest In Celebrity Disguises? When giant sunglasses and fedoras just won’t do, why not try the trick Seal and Heidi Klum use: animal facepaint. Slap on an animal face and nobody will recognize you. Britney, may we suggest the Dodo?

And Here We Thought All Valets In LA Were Brazilian: Omar Sharif was ordered to pay $318,190 to a Guatemalan valet attendant whom he punched in the face for refusing to accept a 20-euro note in 2005. Sharif allegedly also added insult to injury, calling the attendant a “stupid Mexican.” Who feels stupid now, Omar?

Britney Spears, Detained For Drug-Testing: Oh dear. Well, to look at the bright side, at least the LAT didn’t re-post that Britney-Madonna kiss pic.

Jay Leno: Scab or Not? The WGA and The Tonight Show host are at odds over whether he’s really allowed to write his own jokes … never mind that he shouldn’t be allowed — strike or no.

Running Out Of Column Ideas? We know how hard it can be to come up with a column every week, but does Joel Stein think anybody will be fooled by his latest stunt: Speaking at the L.A. City Council’s public hearing period — to denounce public hearings. We call for this column to adjourn.

Jeffrey Wells needs to keep it in his pants.

Cat Vasko needs to get out more, judging by the Gridskipper dining guide to downtown LA.

MTV needs to re-think the whole Britney thing–live, tape-delay or best, not at all.

Luke Ford needs to abandon J-Date.

And our anon. friend at 69.232.38.185 needs a new hobby.

(photo from Trained Monkey)

Wasn’t me: Actress Kim Basinger said she didn’t leak the ass-crazy message ex Alec Baldwin left on their daughter’s voicemail. It’s like watching the Britney/K-Fed proceedings in RealAge.

Huh? We follow Patrick Goldstein when he trumpets the Alanis Morissette “My Humps” video (that lady is funny!), but he loses us when he proclaims this satire as proof that “the era of video activism is here to stay.”

Yet Another Story About A Maverick Artist Skirting Hollywood: Is there going to even be a Hollywood in 20 years?

Fire in the Hollywood Hills.

Quinceanera might become a series.

Mia Farrow doesn’t seem too worried about starring in E.T.: Back on Planet Earth or any other Spielburg opus.

John Travolta is ready to move back to the mothership, if global warming gets worse.

Courtney Love cares only that her self-esteem is limitless and intact.

The LA Times might think Donald Trump is a figure of fun, but wait til he’s the boss. Or some other rich guy takes over.

Britney and Kevin are finally split up.

Persecution of Christians goes on–Chris Sligh booted from American Idol.

The LA Times should get an online game–Be An Editor–just like Seventeen.

Miss America dumped by CMT. Second Life, anyone?

Captain America is dead! We didn’t even know he’d been sick.

Madonna can’t manage to restrain her kids–first David’s not in a car seat, then Rocco’s not belted up. Wait til they learn to drive.

Antonella Barba’s thigh-high boots ain’t going to save her sorry ass.

Kevin Federline visited Britney in re-hab, probably asking for an advance on his allowance.

Tom Cruise and Katie, his baby-making-machine, were shopping for more baby crap.

Lindsay Lohan went blonde. We wish she’d get a Brazilian and then have the drapes match the carpet.

Britney bounced out of rehab. Ray Richmond really lays down the law to the young lady.

Former boyfriend Justin Timberlake seems to have gotten his Brits confused at the Brit Awards, saying in his pre-recorded speech:

Stop drinking! You know who you are. I’m speaking to you! You are going to get sloppy! OK! Magazine is going to say something bad about you.

Was this some coded message? Or is he just programmed to say stuff like that whenever he hears the word Brit?