ASME may have just announced the Elly. But ASSME – the Association of Shitcanned Media Elites, founded by former Radar editor Aaron Gell — is pseudo hiring! Also, seems that they’ve had the good sense put former Gawker-er Sheila McClear in charge. Point being, ASSME is apparently launching a group blog and looking for contributors.
We want YOU to blog for ASSME. Well, maybe we want you. Maybe we don’t. That all depends. We can’t hand just anyone the keys to the kingdom. Naturally, there’s a selection process, a weeding out. We have standards. If you’re interested in being a part of the ASSME Group Blog, we’ll need a sign of your commitment, a token of your dedication….
The whole shebang, including where to send your application, is after the jump.
Dear Media “Elite,”
Step one of being unemployed is accepting the fact that, simply put, you no longer have a job (income, interns, free coffee, etc.). Sucks, but there it is.
Step two is accepting that you no longer have a platform to express your many important thoughts and feelings. Twittering is all well and good, but think about it, do your followers really care about you? Who are those assholes, anyway?
ASSME, the Association of Shitcanned Media Elites, does care. We care so damn much we threw a party and offered free booze, and we’ll be doing it again in short order. Question: Did your 16,532 Facebook “friends” ever do that?
It is out of that same heartfelt concern for you that we are set to launch a group blog to help you help yourself answer these important questions: WTF is going on? What will you do? How will you find a new job? How will you share your unique take on things with people? (Hey, if we knew the answers to those questions in the first place, maybe we wouldn’t have been fired!)
The point is, we’re asking you to contribute. We want YOU to blog for ASSME. Well, maybe we want you. Maybe we don’t. That all depends. We can’t hand just anyone the keys to the kingdom. Naturally, there’s a selection process, a weeding out. We have standards. If you’re interested in being a part of the ASSME Group Blog, we’ll need a sign of your commitment, a token of your dedication….
Whoa, keep your pants on! We know it’s dire out there, but please– let’s not get crass. All you need to do is send us a tight little paragraph outlining what you’d like to write about and telling us who you are, along with three sample posts, and your word of honor that you’ll post no less than five times a week. We’re game for just about anything: Man vs. Wild recaps, media news, kittens. Fascinating and wacky things you notice online. Pissed-off rants about certain baristas who should know better. But unless you’re a real genius of the formâ€”in which case bring it onâ€”we encourage you to narrow things down. Pick a loose yet manageable field of interest. We feel it will turn out better that way for all involved.
We’ll pick a bunch of people, and hand each of you your own special password that will allow you to post directly to the site. (Sure, fineâ€”this select few will also get an official ASSME “Yes, We Canned” T-shirt. Satisfied?) If someone turns out to be just terrible, we might revoke his or her special persons card. If a contributor gets really popular, however, he or she may eventually be invited to spin off an individual blog on the site. But let’s not get carried away. First you must apply. Send your application to firstname.lastname@example.org, and do it soon, okay? Successful bloggers don’t ruminate.
We know, Graydon used to pay you $5 a word. Join the club. Look, don’t think of it as blogging for free, okay? Think of it as testimonializing at a media-centric AA meeting. Think of it as the next step on the road to recovery, which hopefully will include having a job. Think of it as killing time and writing about whatever the FUCK you wantâ€”yes, the monkey beat is still openâ€”without a pain-in-the-ass editor and corporate getting in the way of your genius. (Remember, you were too good for them! That’s why they had to fire you.)
If nothing else, remember, as someone once told me after I spent the second consecutive day watching animal shows on his TV: “Beggars can’t be choosers.” I didn’t like hearing it either, but he was right.
Choose life. Choose ASSME.
“Editor,” The ASSME Blog
P.S. You may be wondering, “Hey, what if I’m not laid off, per se? What if I’m underemployed or a permafreelancer or just scared shitless?” Don’t worry, you’re included too. Whether you’ve been shitcanned in actuality, or just in spirit, ASSME is an equal opportunity pseudo-employer.