Category: Free PR advice

The Black Table takes no prisoners in its final week, knocking it out of the park thanks to a hilarious, deeply-researched (if not strictly ethical) exposé on the free-flinging swag-slinging ways of publicists, whose lavish bequeathitudes kept Men's Fitness editor Mac Montandan fed, watered, housed and entertained for a full week. Jardine Libaire, take note; Graydon, methinks you just got challenged on the brass-balls front.

Gawker tallies up the list of his spoils (we are most jealous of the $160 massage, especially if it was by a strapping musclebound lad named Sven). Fishbowl's attention was caught, however, by some of the hilarious magazines, article ideas and taglines. A sampling:

• Ten-Hut! - a scary military magazine for which he probably could have procured a scarier Smith & Wesson
  
• Jew York (classic New York font and all): "Because the City Is Ours -- All Ours!"
  
• Fake lad mag DEETS' assigns "50 Things You Never Wanted to Do, But Should Anyway"; Montadan is gifted with a colonic.
  
• Party of One: "Sexy in the City" (perfect for inspiring you once you get up to your free hotel room -- alone)
  
• Yum! Magazine, which got him powerbars for "Best On-The-Go Foods" and Shabbat dinner at the 92nd St. Y for "best Shabbat dinners" (what, your precious story was too good for Jew York, Mr. I'm-So-Special?)
  
• "A dog spa wants to know more about Heavy Petting magazine." People, you deserve what you get.

Also, two blog-and-BlackTable synchronicity notes: (1) Mac Montadan is none other than the founder of "Silence of the City" -- happy home of many a rejected New Yorker "Talk of the Town" piece -- as featured in Fishbowl this summer; and (2)he invokes legendary "ubiquitous party guest" Shaggy, whom Fishbowl met on her own BlackTable assignment long ago (and also met delicious free appetizers and swag, courtesy of some nice Republicans). Hilarious, jaw-dropping piece if you have time. Bravo, BT and MM.

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE GIVEN TO YOU BY PUBLICISTS [BlackTable]
Imaginary Magazines Still Fetch Very Real Swag [Gawker]

Related:
Making that New Yorker rejection work for you! [FBNY]

In case you missed it, Lindsay Lohan has denied that she ever had bulimia, and claims to have said no such thing to Vanity Fair writer Evgenia Peretz. Vanity Fair stands by their story; it's all on tape. They're not stupid.

I'm not sure I can say the same thing about Lohan's rep Leslie Sloane Zelnick and her spin strategy, however. The Vanity Fair "confessions" have been out for over a week and have shown up in Star, Us Weekly, People and all the papers. A week is forever in the 24-hour news cycle (not to mention the PR spin cycle). Did they really need a week to figure out that bulimia might not be great PR?

Actually not, considering that Page Six reported that the Lohan camp asked VF not to include the juicy bits (request denied, obviously). Trying to suppress some information is hardly proof of its truth, but again, is it not this woman's job to read Page Six every day? Again, why wait?

The denial also rings a little hollow after Zelnick's comment in Lowdown last Thursday regarding the offer by an online casino to send Lohan to a Costa Rican rehab center to relax and regroup. She said that it was "very tacky to take advantage of this situation" and that Lohan "has the support of friends and family." Hm. Doesn't sound like a denial to me.

(And then some circumstantial evidence: Do we really think Lindsay wrote this? "The words that I gave to the writer for Vanity Fair were misused and misconstrued, and I'm appalled with the way it was done." This is, after all, a girl who calls people "hunny").

The upshot: I'm no PR expert, but this seems like a pretty ineffective way to set the record straight on your client. If, however, the goal is to keep her in the headlines, then maybe Leslie Sloane Zelnick does know what she's doing.

Update: Perhaps that's the reason for Lindsay's pole dance with Kate Moss at Scores - distraction (or maybe just because Kate Moss asked; would you say no?). Less easy to justify: pregnancy rumors and charming, classy graffiti.

Yes, it's true. FEMA has a rap for kids, to teach them what it does, in highly ironic detail:

People helping people is what we do
And FEMA is there to help see you through
When disaster strikes, we are at our best
But we're ready all the time, 'cause disasters don't rest.

FEMA is run
By a totally and excruciatingly incompetent buffoon
Don't believe us?
Ask the Times-Picayune.

(Thanks to Crooks & Liars for this one, as per usual)
(Yes I know it's ABCB. So sue me.)

We in the media are difficult, and dealing with us is a necessary evil requiring careful planning and canny preparation. For the San Francisco 49ers, that preparation took the form of a charming, tasteful video featuring lesbian soft-porn, topless blondes, racial slurs, gay bashing and a big thumbs-up to "hookers and booze." Head 49ers publicist Kirk Reynolds was the brains behind this particular operation, presenting it last summer as part of - get this - a diversity workshop. HA.

Reynolds also starred in the video, portraying SF mayor Gavin Newsom as he walks around Chinatown, cavorts at a topless lesbian wedding, and cautions team that their actions will "have an impact on this team" as he gets set to shower with a topless blonde. This dude has the worst judgment ever.

Naturally, the Mayor Newsom and all his diverse gay constituents are outraged, joining football fans in hating the 49ers (as if being the worst team in the league (2 wins, 14 losses) isn't bad enough). Reynolds resigned, hilariously claiming that his resignation had nothing to do with the video. He actually uses the "pursuing other opportunities" line.

For those of you who need a little sensitivity training yourselves, the video is available here, courtesy of the San Francisco Chronicle. If you don't want to see topless blondes, we've included the Chronicle's, uh, chronicle after the jump.

continued...

As of 8:01 am, this was the most recent headline under the "newest stories" link on Sploid:

Arizona Aims To Allow Free Booze Samples
04/08/05 03:12 AM Eastern

Come on, Sploid! Your funny-Pope-joke window is closing, where the hell are you?

UPDATE: According to Sploid East Coast editor Choire Sicha, their server was down. Get well, Sploid!

We've long been under the impression that hedge fund managers (the good ones, anyway) generally avoid talking to the press on the basis that (A) they don't need it and (B) it hurts them by reminding Eliot Spitzer that they exist and making them better candidates of which to be made examples. But after reading this weekend's Times, we've changed our minds. The real reason they don't talk to the press is that it probably increases the chances that they'll be outed as the guy who paid $8 million for that stupid Damien Hirst shark. But we'll admit we're curious about where he put it.

(Stevie, Baby: what were you thinking?)

Fishbowl must have heard this wrong, somehow. But the AP says that the UN will report tomorrow that the slaughter in the Sudanese region of Darfur wasn't genocide. Kofi Annan said that while the tens of thousands of murders, ethnic cleansings and rapes don't quite qualify, "there is no doubt that serious crimes have been committed."

When Kofi fired his longtime second-in-command Syed Iqbal Riza (he who made his boss pay special attention to Rwanda, as well) last December, the GS promised to shake things up. And so, after exactly 11 days on the job as the UN's new official voice to the press, former UNDP head Mark Malloch Brown is about to get his first facial egg sandwich. We don't think the flacks in the Press & Public Affairs Section have been fired yet. But Mark: After letting your boss go this wrong before the official news is even out, you might want to think about it.