WARNING: The above video contains language that is extremely explicit and so not suitable for work (SNSFW)

Last night in lower Manhattan, a sparse crowd of about 20 gathered in a corner of McNally Booksellers to hear a 70-year-old pornography legend, Al Goldstein, of Screw and Midnight Blue fame, read from his memoir, I, Al Goldstein: My Screwed Life. Except, Goldstein didn't read anything. Bankrupt, drug-addled and certifiably insane, he embarked on a 22-minute, sometimes-coherent rant that was equal parts biographical, tragic, funny, scary, pathetic and beyond vile. In other words: Exactly what we expected.

For those of you who'd rather not view the above video (see disclaimer) here are some of the things we learned:

• Goldstein would like to meet a woman so he can perform oral sex on her. And take her to the movies.
  
• Goldstein lives in a Howard Beach apartment paid for by Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller.
  
• The Internet put Screw out of business.
  
• Goldstein's ghost-writer and documentarian, James Guardino, looks uncomfortable when Goldstein talks about ... well ... anything.
  
  

• Goldstein's fifth wife is dying.
  
• Goldstein is estranged from his son, whom he says stole $130,000 worth of wristwatches from him.
  
• Ron Jeremy paid Goldstein $500 to appear in a porno at age 65; Goldstein took a fistful of Viagra to perform, and earned an Adult Video News award for the performance.
  
• Goldstein would really like to "perform" with the 31-year-old McNally's barista.
  
• Goldstein enjoys taking questions from the audience; answering them, not so much.
  
• Goldstein says John Gotti had a hit put on him; Goldstein met with Gotti to convince him to lift it.
  
• Twenty-five percent of Goldstein's memoir is "bullshit."

Part II tomorrow