Ladies and gentlemen, I had every intention of bringing the same ridiculous near-psychotic zeal that Fishbowl shows to "The Daily Show" to its much-anticipated spinoff, "The Colbert Report." Jon said goodnight to Dolly Parton, threw it to Stephen, the clock struck 11:30, I was ready.

Except in Toronto, they showed "Everybody Loves Raymond."

You know you're too emotionally invested in your blog when that makes you cry. Luckily I've got it DVR'd back at home in NYC, in the civilized world of my 400-square foot studio and daily terror alerts. If you can stand to wait, you'll get it on Wednesday. Oh, will you get it good.

Update: This is the report on the Report from a discerning viewer: "Saw the first episode of the Colbert Report with guest Stone Phillips - magical - hilarious - hopefully he can keep it fresh." Send me your impressions! Cutting and pasting quotes is almost like reporting!

Update to the Update: This from a keen-eyed reader (whom I suspect is Canadian): "I went to bed at the first commercial break -- eh? -- but had the good sense to turn the VCR on. Wow. Second half was terrific! Colbert interviewing Stone Phillips was great -- although poor Stone hardly got a word in -- and then the two of them did a "gravitas" bit in which they alternated reciting iconic bits from news shows ... mostly lead-ins to after-the-commercial continuations of typical Dateline/20-20/48Hours crapumentaries ... that were hilarious." Time Warner Cable, I'm comin' home to you soon. Wait for me...
(Mini-update: Oops - he's not Canadian, he's from Wisconsin.)

Update to the Update's Update: From my super-secret source at CNN, who also -- sacre bleu! -- watches Fox. But only to know what he's up against. His take on The Colbert Report:

"Not only does he do a GREAT O'Reilly impersonation, he makes li'l Bill look like a turd - though I doubt he and his audience get the joke. An excerpt...

"This show's not about me. No, this program is dedicated to you: the heroes. And who are the heroes? The people who watch this show: average, hardworking Americans. You're not the elites. You're not the country club crowd. I know for a fact that my country club would
never let you in. But you get it. And you come from a long line of 'it-getters.' You're the folks who say, 'something's got to be done.' Well, you're doing something right now. You're watching TV.

And on this show -- on this show your voice will be heard...in the form of my voice. 'Cause you're looking at a straight shooter, America. I tell it like it is. I calls 'em like I sees 'em. I will
speak to you in plain simple English.

And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness.

Now I'm sure some of the word police, the wordanistas over at Webster's are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word.' Well, anybody who knows me knows that I'm no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was finished in 1914. If I wanna say it happened in 1941, that's my right.

I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. 'Cause face it, folks, we're a divided nation. Not between Democrats and Republicans or conservatives and liberals or tops and bottoms. No. We are divided between those who think with their head and those who know with their heart."

The whole time he's saying this, the entire layout of the show looks exactly like "The Factor". Nice first stab, Stevie."

"Can I say something about "The Colbert Report"? I love it, but only if it doesn't mean every single episode isn't about Stephen Colbert touting himself. I know that's kind of the premise, and it worked for the maiden voyage, but it will get very old very fast. I hope they will be able to come up with more bonbons like "truthiness," "look it up in my gut," and "I'll feel the news at you." And the Stone Phillips material was brilliant. I don't think I've ever seen that man's teeth before!"