Ordinarily, I wouldn't be recommending ABC's Wife Swap to anybody, but tonight's two-hour season premiere features John Baur, the co-author of Pirattitude (subtitle: "So You Want to Be a Pirate? Here's How!"), and his wife, "Mad Sally," mixing it up with a family who don't dress up like buccaneers and roll their Rs. "You can imagine there was a lot of tension between free-wheeling pirates and a family caught up in appearances and so bereft of creativity that they behaved as though 'fun' was something that had to be pre-packaged for their protection," Sally writes. "I can't tell you, for instance, why late one night I licked their kitchen floor. I probably shouldn't even tell you that I did lick the floor, but you'll know soon enough anyway."

By the way, tomorrow is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. As if you need an excuse.