Judith Regan (in the hope, no doubt, of winning the right to give L.A. the kind of "cultural center" it deserves) ticks off the city's merits in a L.A. Times essay so bootlicking, Hollwyood execs will be wringing their socks for weeks to come.

"If the pulse of Washington is driven by power," she writes, "the pulse of New York is driven by money. The heartbeat of Los Angeles, on the other hand, is driven by creativity." Furthermore, the Southland offers "beautiful surroundings," and the publisher cares about her staff being "happy" -- a claim as historically unfounded as that of L.A.'s ongoing creativity.

Regan continues: "There's a snobbery in New York about L.A. that I've never really understood -- after all, I love movies. I love TV. Don't we all? I also like the entertainment business and the people in it."

***

IN RELATED NEWS, people in the entertainment business want her dead. According to Rush & Malloy, the plotline of last week's "Law & Order" featured the "murder of a maverick publisher, who crosses up a New York City police commissioner for the job of Homeland Security head." Rush & Malloy speculate that "the untimely demise of Graff's character may be a message to Regan to keep quiet about her notorious affair with Kerik," but GC prefers to see the threats as either Hollywood's housewar(m/n)ing present to the publisher, or NYC's you're-now-dead-to-me send-off.