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Alec Baldwin Has Had It With All You People

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In a move that could not possibly inspire any self-respecting journalist to use the phrase “prima donna”, Alec Baldwin decided to make his latest “I’m retiring from public life for good, no takebacks this time” statement via a New York magazine cover story by Joe Hagan.

While he’s “had a relatively charmed life”, it seems Baldwin now faces the unbearable stress of living ”…out there in a world where if you do make a mistake, it echoes in a digital canyon forever.”

Valid point, but what follows is approximately 5,000 words of A+ trolling.

His primary gripe lies with the photographers paid to take pictures of him, the tabloids that insist he used an anti-gay slur to call one of them out (after he supposedly caused Baldwin’s wife to fall off her bike and then laughed about it) and the otherwise respectable journalists who took their word for it.

But there’s more: Baldwin proceeds to address his latest struggles on Broadway and TV while painting less-than-sympathetic portraits of Shia LaBeouf, Rachel Maddow (“phony”) and the entirety of MSNBC (“same sh*t all day long”).

We almost sympathize with him on some of these points: no one likes paparazzi stalkers, some people do indeed take pleasure in making certain celebrities look bad, and the act of trying to start a show on MSNBC doesn’t seem particularly pleasant. But he reveals his own hand in the interview:

“[Actors have an] instinct…to make the exchange in front of the camera a dramatic one. Perhaps I fell for that.”

That principle doesn’t just apply to things you do on-camera.

Choire of The Awl turned the whole I-can’t-believe-I’m-giving-this-guy-more-attention puzzle into an easy-to-read chart, but after reading the entire essay we’ve determined that—personal politics aside—Alec Baldwin IS Jack Donaghy.

Also: we’re about 150% sure he did this entirely on his own. We certainly hope so.

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