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Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

THIS JUST IN: Meet the Real Pancho Claus from the South Pole

THIS JUST IN 2Just when I thought I have seen every holiday, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Christmas, Yule, Eid al Fitr, Solstice story out there, comes this one from the South Pole. You know, from the other side of the frozen tracks?

(BTW, with apologies to Megyn Kelly of FOX News and Phil Roberston of “Duck Dynasty” fame celebrating a very White Christmas, did I get everyone there?)

That’s right, kids. According to most families in high society, here is another reason to lock up doors and bar your windows during the holidays … meet Pancho Claus. Oh no, he’s very real. And you will so dig him!

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STUDY: How Much Money Would Santa Claus Make?

Santa Money

How much would this guy earn? Here’s a hint: Lo-Lo-Lo

This economy sucks. First, layaway shoppers have to stress about getting their kids’ gifts in time, unless the appropriately dubbed “Layaway Santa” shows up on his Mercedes sleigh. The price of gas is still north of $3 a gallon promising to never return to pre-apocalypse affordable rates. And now, thanks to this comprehensive study we read in CNBC, Santa is straight-up getting hosed on his salary at the North Pole!

Before the jump: Parents, you’re welcome. Now you have an out why little Johnny didn’t get that ridiculously priced XBOX ONE. Because Santa can’t afford the damn gas.

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#PRWin: ‘Layaway Santa’ Rings Up $20K for Walmart Shoppers

secret-santa-walmartAttention Walmart Shoppers: Your favorite discount store hasn’t had a slew of great news lately. In fact, you could fill one of its 18-wheeler trucks full of the bad PR they’ve collected recently.

From a food drive for its destitute hourly employees to deciding those hourly workers need to work on Thanksgiving, a lovely hashtag #WalMartFights and a disabled wrestler being banned from Walmart for life, all Walmart stories seem to suck out loud this time of the year.

The store that can’t seem to win during the holidays needed a little Christmas magic from the jolly old fat man to make positive headlines.

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Martha Stewart Takes ‘Home for the Holidays’ Literally for Her Staff

No joke. Her staff thinks she is something that rhymes with "wish." What a ho-ho-ho.

No joke. Her staff thinks she is something that rhymes with “wish.” What a ho-ho-ho.

Martha Stewart, the friend of the housewife and arch-nemesis of the blogger, is now endearing herself to another group of people — her own staff. Just in time for the holidays, Martha Stewart decided now would be a great time to place a fat pink slip in the stocking of her employees.

Yes, according to the New York Postshe fired them this close to Christmas. Now before you go off wanting to stick a Yuletide log in her grill and pray to Santa that she chokes on her craft supplies, let’s hear the woman out. She may have a rational explanation for this. Maybe.  Read more

Something for Your Favorite Flack’s Christmas List: the Ostrich Pillow

Ascani_Ostrich-11

We have all been here. It’s a late night cramming for that huge RFP. The team just isn’t collaborating the way they should, arguing about page numbers on the proposal or something stupid like that. You can’t keep your eyes open and need to crash.

Have no fear, kids. Introducing the Ostrich Pillow.

Bringing sexy back, huh? Just yesterday, we opined about HubSpot’s CEO Brian Halligan’s advocacy to take naps on the job. Whelp, guess what said major domo should find in his Christmas stocking by that certain office brown noser?

Thanks to the story by Mashable, we discovered these options for the desk sloth:

The thoughtfully designed pillow has four holes: two for your arms, one for breathing from your nose and mouth, and one for your neck. It’s available in three colors: sleepy blue, sunset siesta and mellow yellow.

And then there’s this. Click on the story for another delightful picture that resembles someone who got caught cramming her head into the ass end of a Thanksgiving turkey. MEMO to Ostrich Pillow owners: Take the thing off before you look up to discover your picture being taken for Facebook.

(Photo via Mashable)

Starbucks Joins the Black Friday Black Eye to the Holidays

Kinda says it all to me after this holiday buzzkill news

Kinda says it all to me after this holiday buzzkill news

Sure, there’s a Starbucks on every corner. If you don’t believe me, listen to the great Lewis Black explain it.

Now, I understand Starbucks thinks it is a retail giant, but it’s not. Admit it, O’ siren of the coffee bean. You sell addiction in a nicely tight package of prepubescent angst.

Your smarmy baristas may be happy to provide some fattening lemon, pumpkin or other fru-fru bread, but you are placed on every street corner in the known world to sell coffee.

Your PR is for coffee. Your products are known as coffee. Your bottom line is laced in it.

So, far be it from me — who just loves all this Thanksgiving Thursday / Black Friday hurry-hurry-sell-till-you-puke-mess — to allow a moment like this to go by without a comment of snark. But Santa has decided that Starbucks would be better served as a big box retail store than a depot for hipsters ogling over each other’s skinny jeans and graphic tees.

According to the ConsumeristStarbucks’ Black Friday deal is $65 for a stainless steel tumbler that comes with an entire month’s worth of free espresso-based beverages.

Well, dip me in a caramel macchiato and call me java mama. I hope this comes with an appointment to an internist because your damn liver and kidneys may have something for you by New Years.

STUDY: People Aren’t Getting Self-Handsy During the Holidays

Jerking off all time lowYesterday, we brought you a story about PS4 and its latest “partner” in providing kids an ultimate gaming experience. And as filthy as I felt writing that thing, would you believe I found more?

Although I had to filter for images and stories with extreme heedfulness, would you believe the people that brought you free videos of BBWs doing the Harlem Shake on an actual Globetrotter have a real study out?!

Get this: According to the Pornhub “study,” no one is stuffing their turkey, yanking their mistletoe or putting a cornucopia on their Yuletide log during the holidays, if you know what I mean.

Hey, this is real news, flacks. I just report it!

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FOLLOW-UP: Not-so-fast on Hallmark’s GLAAD Card and ‘Fun’ Sweater

cat deck the halls

This would have been better.

Yesterday, I used a stepladder to get my hamhocks poised upon my soapbox so everyone could hear me wail about Hallmark’s decision to destroy Christmas folklore in the scope of being politically correct.

Evidently, I wasn’t the only one who thought “Deck the Halls” shouldn’t be jacked with as social media blew up and Hallmark caught the back hand of a collective slap to its wallet, according to The Consumerist. The writer shares Facebook commentators got all over the card shop’s page with these vitriolic posts:

Shame on you Hallmark. Better start figuring out what you’re going to do with all of those GAY sweaters when they don’t sell.

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Hallmark Shows Off Its GLAAD Card, Revises ‘Deck the Halls’

HALLMARK-HOLIDAY-SWEATER-ORNAMENTWhelp, it’s a Christmas story…in October…before Halloween. Sigh.

And as opposed as I am to discussing the most wonderful time of the year before the time of the year has arrived, this story from HuffPo just didn’t light my Yuletide log in a blaze of glory.

So, before I rant, look at the “fun” picture. Notice anything? Hearing the melody of “Deck the Halls” racing in your mind? Yeah, so much for that tradition as the lovely people at Hallmark has decided to take folklore into its hands and change the lyrics of the song.

Why? You guessed it. Because of a word that had nothing to do with the world in which we live in 2013.

More about that word after the jump:

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The Pimping of All the Holidays is Right On ‘Target’

Let's just go from September to December on the calendar.

Let’s just go from September to December on the calendar.

Ah, yes. The sounds of the radio are changing. The people are beginning to wear more festive clothing. The decor in the stores are getting blinged out. Sales are showing.

And it’s not even Halloween yet, you nimrods! 

Brands in retail just can’t wait for the jolly fat man to get here, so they ostensibly ignore the Great Pumpkin and forget the Plump Turkey to make way.

Yes, it’s all for profit but these giant profiteers of Black Friday and Cyber Monday are becoming Ebenezers for their foreshadowing ways. Personally, my children enjoy both Halloween and Thanksgiving before the stockings go up.

And why? Because I don’t want to end up like Target did last year. (That, and I have a skosh of class.)

According to Jeff Jones, CMO at Target, the retailer “went too soon last year” when its Christmas shopping campaign began in mid-October, he told AdAge. This season, Mr. Jones said Target won’t launch its anthem holiday ad until the first week of November. To wit, I say, “It’s about time and thank you!

Early ads [featuring #MyKindOfHoliday] will also focus on Thanksgiving to a degree the retailer has not in the past. One TV spot shows a group of friends gathering around a turkey dinner, while another will promote the price per pound of turkey — a first for the retailer. Hell, it’s a first for any money-grubbing, bah-humbug, turkeys-are-only-good-for-stuffing-my-pockets retailer.

“We have never said Thanksgiving has a place at Target. It’s a big event, and we think we have a great value proposition when you think about being a one-stop shop [for] food, home and decorating,” Mr. Jones explained.

Makes sense to me. And by highlighting that pesky holiday in-between All Hallows Eve and Show Us the Money, it will make “cents” to Target. Mazel Tov, you know, as a certain Jewish carpenter might say.

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