Frequent biz network guest Ben Stein writes a lengthy article/erotic short story about the “Invasion of the Money Honeys,” with a focus on the talent at Fox Business Network (CNBC’s Maria Bartiromo and her copyright won’t like that very much) this month in Best Life Magazine.

What’s the focus? Well with a sub-headline of “Ben Stein explains how business news became the new Victoria’s Secret catalog,” the feature delves into some creepy discussion of the hotness of financial tvnewsers — with accompanying photo shoot of FBN’s Alexis Glick, Shibani Joshi and Jenna Lee.

He describes FBN’s Dagen McDowell as, “my secret dream girl,” and Lee as, “heart-stoppingly beautiful, ultrayoung and cute.”

Then he gets into his Money Honey Rules. Describing how people don’t know much about finance he writes, “No one knows the future, which is what you really want to know, so why not watch someone who knows how to show off her legs and her cleavage and who is smart and pert too?”

And how can Stein work in “kissable lips” into the article? Read on, if you dare…

Try Money Honey Rule 4, which says that smart investing should be buying index funds, so since that’s a given, why not have an attractive woman tell you useless rumors? “Now, on TV news, the drama is the girl with the kissable lips telling you rumors about interest-rate moves that have zero to do with your long-run future,” he writes.

This continues for a few more creepily descriptive paragraphs, with Ferris Bueller‘s teacher throwing around phrases like “staggeringly lovely” and “thoughts of sex.” Of course, FBN itself certainly doesn’t encourage this sort of discussion relating to its anchors.

The three FBN women are interviewed in a sidebar story. Glick comments on the sanity of CNBC’s Jim Cramer, saying, “He’s certifiable. But he’s energetic and he’s full of passion, and that’s great. I like that enthusiasm. I think that’s why people tune into him.”

Bartiromo, “the one and only original money honey,” as Stein writes, gets a sidebar interview as well, where she says, “Certainly when there’s blood on the street, the opportunists make money. You don’t want to be scared out of this market, because you are still buying into one of the greatest stories in the world, and that is the American economy.”