We realize that you may, at some point in the future, want to write a story like this. Or one like this. So we’ll make it easy: If you ever get hired by a newspaper to write a “design story” about annoying supermarket packaging, here’s all you have to do:

1) Set your tale in the deep, deplorable canyons of your local grocer. Be sure to allude to the fact that you sensed something was up while filling your cart with what you previously thought of as innocent, non-branded food.

2) Beef up your descriptions of the horrific visual assault with these words (pick three): screaming, bovine jig, crayon-bright, golden sunlight, verdant, sax-playing, bilious, garish.

3) Call a designer at Pentagram for a quote expressing their displeasure through a metaphor that describes a downward trend. If you must, call Brian Collins for clever one-liner to reaffirm your position.