Everyone’s favorite ass-kissing event — the White House Correspondents’ Dinner — is right around the corner. With guest lists piling up, we thought it was time to rank them; and guessing which tables will have the drunkest guests was a good way to do that.
All of these people come courtesy of WWD, so head there if you want a more thorough (and less scientific) analysis.
White House Correspondents’ Dinner Tables, Ranked by Expected Drunkenness
1) The Huffington Post – Guests include Jon Bon Jovi, Chris Christie, Shaq and Scarlett Johansson. Everyone will be forced to get wasted once a visibly tanked Bon Jovi starts saying things like “You know, ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ doesn’t get the respect it deserves” and “I think it’s completely okay for a 51-year-old man to have highlights in his hair.”
2) ABC – Guests include Sofia Vergara, Connie Britton and Hayden Panettiere. Those at this table will certainly overindulge as they attempt to convince one another that their respective shows aren’t complete garbage.
3) The Wall Street Journal – Guests include Michigan’s governor Rick Snyder; Washington Nationals owner Ed Cohen; and Treasury Secretary Jack Lew. We’ll be surprised if anyone at this table full of old white guys is awake long enough to get drunk.