Most of us were too busy slamming orange gin drinks, slumming in tattoo parlors and stalking San Francisco-based industrial designers to care anything about the real reason everyone had converged on Miami for this high-humidity gathering. So, like, did anyone, like, buy anything? The LAT's Janet Eastman (who is delightful; we met her at Stefan Sagmeister's party) says, eh, not so much:

The frenzied buying that many have come to expect at Design Miami never materialized for some exhibitors. Was the downturn in the economy to blame? Have rising auction prices for collectible furniture led to unrealistic expectations here? Was there too much competition from what's snidely called "artmageddon," the two dozen other art and design shows, showroom events and museum exhibits within a five-mile radius? Or is the market just beginning to see how few people are willing to spring for a $450,000 Jean Prouve vault ladder?

Not even Michael Ovitz, who was granted an exclusive audience with designer of the year Tokujin Yoshioka, bought anything. When the Big O doesn't throw down the AmEx Black, we're all in trouble, right? Not necessarily: Murray Moss sold two of his five pieces seen with him here, which just so happen to be named Robber Baron: Tales of Power, Corruption, Art and Industry.

Down in Miami, the art and design fun wasn't all concentrated in the buzzing fairs, humming tattoo parlors, and thumping parties. Art Basel, in collaboration with Roc-Off Productions and the City of Miami Beach, installed public works from nine artists throughout Miami Beach as part of its "Art Projects" series. On the lawn near the convention center was a giant light sculpture of the word "Scarface" created by Claude Leveque as an homage to the Brian de Palma film (which was shot in Miami), and Turkish artist Haluk Akakce carpeted a stretch of Miami's Watson Island with flickering lightbulbs and illuminated aluminum towers in a work he called "Searching for the Gravity's Rainbow (in the garden of light)." But our favorite of the projects was German artist Jeppe Hein's "Modified Social Benches," many of which served to puzzle weary fairgoers eager to sit a spell.

Most of Hein's benches (scattered about the city for maximum subterfuge) could still be sat upon, if not in the conventional way. One was missing a leg, another had a few planks detached, and yet another was transformed into a perfect circle with no point of entry. Then there were the really sneaky ones. They looked normal--only those who tried to sit upon them revealed their loose joints or false bottoms. We especially liked this one, which appeared simply to be taking a nap:

UPDATE: Linda Lee, editor-in-chief of MA2DWeek, informs us that the planned Akakce installation never came to fruition. Although included in Art Basel's "Art Projects" listing, "the piece itself proved too difficult to put up in time, according to the Island Gardens developer Mehmet Bayraktar," Lee tells us.

For your reading pleasure, we present more 'Overheards' from sunny Miami. And don't forget, we've neatly gathered all of our coverage here.

A pair of sharply dressed fellows lingering at the Deitch booth's giant Kurt Kauper painting of a grinning naked guy.
See what I told you? This is totally the year of the male nude. It's like, the Art Basel theme.

Quick, come over and look at these shiny blobby things on the floor!
A woman excitedly summons a friend by cell phone to see the silver sculptures by Marepe scattered on the floor of Galeria Luisa Strina's Art Basel booth.

Irritated man on guided tour of the fair upon seeing a wall of Diane Arbus photos at the Fraenkel Gallery booth.
But I have photos like these. I took them in the 50's and 60's. These look like my photos. In fact, I happen to think some of my photos are better. I don't get it!

A giddy fairgoer at the Mary Boone/Jablonka booth:
Boothgoer: I'm totally blown away by these paintings!
Booth Attendant: Yes, it's Eric Fischl. Are you familiar with his work?
Boothgoer: Can you come over and tell me about this painting? I just can't figure out what's going on. There's so much going on, I can't figure it out. It's blowing me away!

Man to female companion as they stroll through Art Basel:
So how long has this Rauschenberg guy been around anyway?

Elderly, frowning, fanny-packed woman dragging her elderly, fanny-packed husband through the Cheim & Reid booth, walking briskly past works by the likes of Joan Mitchell, Jonathan Lasker, and Paul Morrison.
"Crap!...Crap!...Crap!"

A pair of fairgoers pause in front of the Maccarone booth's chocolate Santas by Paul McCarthy:
Fairgoer 1: Wait, are these real chocolate Santas?
Fairgoer 2: Yeah, can't you smell the chocolate?
Fairgoer 1: Do you think it would melt on the way back to the hotel?
Fairgoer 2: Not if we eat it.

Father talking to his young daughter as they walk dazedly out of Art Basel on Sunday evening.
But if we bought that painting, we probably couldn't afford to send you to college.

And now, before we collapse in a full-on post-festival coma, it's time for our favorite feature of every design gathering, the Overheards. For all our Art Basel/Design Miami coverage, look here.

Man wearing a shiny, light-colored suit whispers on his cell phone in a dark corner of the garden at the Delano.
Man: Listen, I'm just trying to make this deal as lucrative as possible for BOTH of us.

A hip-looking couple stroll towards the convention center exit.
Woman: Do you want to go to the design show now?
Man [visibly agitated]: NO. For the LAST TIME I do NOT want to go to that DESIGN STUFF.

Guy at Photo Miami walking around with a computer and a phone, and apparently, with a live feed to his class.
Guy: Want to say hello to my students? We have to do it two ways--by phone and by picture. This is my new media class.

Art shopper: How much for the shoes?
Dealer: $275,000

Ultrathin "booth babe" on the convention center floor gazes at a painting; potential male client gazes at her.
Booth Babe: It really is a beautiful piece.
Male Client: You look amazing. Have you lost weight?

Festivalgoer: Are you here for the art or the Basel?

A Design Miami maintenance worker tells two festivalgoers that he saw Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren and Steven Spielberg milling around during the Thursday night opening.
Worker: You been inside? I wouldn't pay two bucks to see this shit.
Festivalgoer: Did you like anything in there?
Worker: Yeah. The Audi.

A dealer describes a sculpture to a potential buyer.
Dealer: The inside is softer than the outside.

Woman: You want to eat at the fried rice place?
Man: Yeah, but I don't want to eat fried rice.

Two metrosexuals stare at a photograph of a nude woman.
Man #1: I just don't get any of this stuff when it's about sex or madness.

Dealer: What happened last year happened this year.

A man returns a piece shortly after buying it.
Man: It just doesn't go with the rest of what we have.

One extremely well-dressed older couple converses with another extremely well-dressed older couple.
Older Woman #1: So, are you taking any of this art home with you?
Older Woman #2 [puzzled]: Well, yes. But we're having it shipped, of course.

And not really an Overheard per se, but perhaps more mention-worthy in our celeb-spotting round up: Pharrell Williams was spotted by several informants who saw him rolling into the Visionaire party with Arik Levy as part of his posse. Hip hop hearts design.

We couldn't drink all the free drinks offered at the art and design fairs in Miami last week (although we tried, by golly, we tried).

Here, a roundup of others who managed to subsist for five days on appetizers the size of a fingernail:

· Michael Cannell was tearing it up over at Dwell's blog. He snagged an audio interview with Craig Robins, and finagled the definitive quote out of tattoo parlor proprietor Aric Chen when asked if he was getting one: "No, are you crazy?"

· David Velasco has a spectacular round up of the scenesters and the scene at Art Forum's Diary, with this pithy caveat: "One's experience is defined as much by the events he misses as the ones he attends." Double true.

· The NY Times made art and design highlight reels, and because you must know, a video of who went to their party. New blog The Moment has great coverage, too.

· On ANP's blog Ed Templeton's report from the convention center floor aka "the frontlines of art-commerce" includes this price of a Basquiat: $2.5 mil.

· Art Fag City complains, and rightfully so, about how skilled the doormen and list ladies at these parties were at making even the most intrepid art blogger feel like a worthless pile of crap. Even in capris.

· A killer round-up of everything Miami with lotsa links at C-Monster.

· Lindsay Pollock has a nice big-picture view of the whole over-hyped affair at Bloomberg, and, in a very nice touch, even gets a local psychic to predict the future of the art market.

· Missed our Miami musings? All our Art Basel/Design Miami coverage can be found right here.

As South Park's "Towelie" was so fond of warbling, "Don't forget to bring a towel!" Here in Miami, it's all about what towel you bring. We were feeling pretty good, having toted our Marilyn Minter-designed Art Production Fund towel all the way from Gotham, but then we saw the new 2008 APF towels, now selling briskly to Art Baselgoers at Andre Balazs' Raleigh and Standard Hotels. There's something for everyone in this year's artist lineup of Cindy Sherman, Jeff Koons, Elizabeth Peyton, and Kehinde Wiley. The limited edition towels (which also make excellent superhero capes, not to mention moisture-wicking bedspreads) are part of APF's Works on Whatever (WOW) series, with proceeds going to APF projects and to the Koons Family Institute, a children's charity.

Weren't able to make it down to Miami this year? The towels will be sold in select Target stores, but may we suggest e-mailing arttowels AT raleighhotel.com? (Just tell them UnBeige sent you.) If you act fast, you can still make it a very terry Christmas.

After swigging several dozen Stefan Sagmeister-tinis over at the Wolfsonian, we zig-zagged over to the Paris Theater where NADA (that would be the New Art Dealers Alliance) and ANP Quarterly hosted Nike's "Re-Run" vintage running exhibition for the final stop on its four-city tour. The mystery musical act Car Clutch? It was actually ANP's Brendan Fowler (who up until now we knew as BARR) and Ethan Swan. We caught Gang Gang Dance thrashing away while a packed-to-capacity crowd went wild in the orchestra pit. Unhappier hipsters waited in the lines that stretched outside until last call.

The installation snaked two stories high into the gorgeous Art Deco interiors, where Aaron Rose gathered work from a group of artists we'd like to call the next generation of Beautiful Losers: Scott Campbell, Tracy Nakayama, Andrew Jeffrey Wright, Kime Buzzelli, Steven Harrington, Jesse Spears (who we're still loving for her tattoo booth at Swerve), Eric Mast, Mike Pare, Jo Ratcliff and Alexis Ross, who painted the killer portrait of legendary long-distance runner Steve Prefontaine below. Photos are by Dan Monick and Jeaneen Lund. Graphics on the over 300 panels are by Keith Scharwath, with more images here. More Miaminess shots from Ed Templeton at ANP's blog.

Frankly, it's exhausting looking at all the art at Art Basel; it's more fun to look for art-buying celebs. At the convention center within a few hours, we saw Dennis Hopper perusing Gavin Brown's footwear sculptures with Tony Shafrazi (who certainly solicited a few cringes from Picasso dealers). Steve Martin smiling at a Josef Albers painting, completely undetected. And Lucy Liu strolled by, asking a male companion, "So then what happens?" If only we knew.

After all that celeb stalking you might as well buy something and get back to the beach, right? So why not buy a piece of art you can snack on while sipping a $14 flute from the Champagne cart? Our pick is Paul McCarthy's Chocolate Santa, available at Art Basel, Paul McCarthy's Chocolate Factory online or at the Maccarone Gallery in NY through December 24. Please, m'am do not smell the art.

We were also interested in what this booth had to offer but alas they didn't have anything actually for sale:

"Everyone Always Thinks They Are Right" declared the giant inflatable monkeys on the roof of the Wolfsonian, seven stories above Miami Beach (and fresh from Scotland as part of a world tour). Inside, approximately 2250 martini glasses filled with a surprisingly good orange gin concoction were arranged into the words "Low Expectations," with custom swizzle sticks printed with "Are a Good Strategy." And a loop of film showed the rest of the illustrated maxims from Stefan Sagmeister's book Things I Have Learned In My Life So Far.

The only question we had for Sags was this: After going through the process of bringing so many things he had learned in his life to life, had he learned anything new? "I've learned that I still learn things, but at a much slower rate," he laughed. He also said he gave his students the choice to skip their last assignment and make their own list of things they had learned.

Of course our darling Yves Behar was there, and chatting with Eames Demetrios to boot. Jeffrey Deitch breezed through briefly but with purpose--another exhibition of Sagmeister's work will open at Deitch Projects in NY in March. New Yorkers represented: Steven Heller (he curated the installation, but assures us he was not the mixologist), Lita Talarico, Deborah Buck of NY gallery Buck House and Janet Froelich, creative director of the New York Times Mag. Design journos represented, too: We chatted up Fast Company's Linda Tischler, Janet Eastman of the LA Times and AIGA Voice managing editor Sue Apfelbaum. And Debbie Millman and Marian Bantjes (that's her with Sagmeister) jetted in early before appearing in a "Design Matters" about the 2008 Publikum calendar at the Wolfsonian on Saturday.

By the time we left, the 'e' and 'x' of 'expectations' had been gulped, but refills were quickly secured by martini shaker-wielding assistants nearby, and the crowd continued to swell. As guests exited, they were confronted with a parting message: "Material Luxuries Are Best Enjoyed in Small Doses," as printed on a custom-made Kate Spade tote bag, so they could take a few words of Sagmeister's wisdom home with them.

Twice unsuccessfully we tried to barge our way into this promising space among the other Design Miami happenings and were denied both times. "Not open," a construction-type told us around 6. "Not ready yet," a representative of 24-Hour Security said as he barred us from the door at 8. A few hours later we came back and never wanted to leave this hand-lettered love den again. Stephen Powers, who you might call ESPO, and his gang of artists were fenced in a studio on the far wall, slapping paint on whatever, including a rabid fan's sketchbook.

Lots more goodness right this way...

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