Punditry

Last night, Stephen Colbert welcomed the “Available Panel” on his show. But truth be told, it would have been better had they been unavailable. The host’s odd collection of newsies in town  included CNBC’s John Hardwood, The Nation‘s Katrina vanden Heuvel and – whoa! – singer David Cassidy.

Colbert immediately turned to Harwood for thoughts on the Florida primary and who will win. Harwood said he’s “in an open marriage with my political predictions right now.” Maybe in my lifetime, reporters will learn that it’s almost NEVER wise to go on comedy shows and try to be funny. First of all, thanks for bringing us to the cutting edge of 10-day-old-humor, John. Secondly, what does that even mean? It’s a shoddy attempt at a cheap laugh and the joke doesn’t even make sense.

Sensing the air of hilarity around her, Vanden Heuvel tries to wedge in some laughs. When asked about Newt’s chances in the primary, she said, “The Republican party has been screwing this country for too long. It’s not just Newt Gingrich. It’s basically just screw and shaft.” Even a comedian as seasoned as Colbert was taken aback. “A screw AND a shaft,” he exclaimed. “So, it’s double teaming the American people.” Even vanden Heuval then looked perplexed by her own avalanche of dick metaphors.

Believe it or not, the most restrained guest was David Cassidy. When talking about the amount of money Mitt has raised for his Presidential campaign, he lets us know that he’s a capitalist. Vanden Heuvel remarked, “I’m glad I didn’t know that you were that kind of capitalist when I kissed your poster on my wall.”

To get the full effect, the entire video is below. Just try not to make out with your computer when Cassidy comes on, Katrina.

 

 

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BuzzFeed alerted us this morning to a potentially windy situation that occurred on Anderson Cooper’s CNN show last night involving Republican Strategist Rich Galen. Galen made a bit of a stink while talking about Newt Gingrich. Galen tooted his own horn about his years of experience working with Gingrich and then was asked by Cooper about Newt’s negative campaigning. Galen makes a pained expression while he’s sounding off about Newt, and then something happens. It SOUNDS like Galen lets flatulence escape mid-sentence. Watch for yourself.

In case you missed it, we are providing a transcript of Galen’s comments.

“Let me cut to the cheese, I mean chase. There’s been a lot of hot air blowing around related to Newt. Gingrich has always made a lot of noise with his statements. He’s not the silent, but deadly type. In the end, he will pull away leaving the competition seeing nothing but his skidmarks.”

OK, so that’s not anything CLOSE to what Galen said, but that’s what we heard.

It’s not like this is the first time a TV personality has let one rip. Larry King was NOTORIOUS for breaking wind on the air. Here’s a clip of him with Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA).

A few months ago, we reported on when Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) maybe allegedly dropped a bomb on Rachel Maddow a few months ago?

We reached out to Galen to see if he broke wind, or if this was the classic case of “Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It.” He has not responded. In an effort to sniff out the truth on the issue, we have shown the video to dozens of people and everyone agrees…. it’s a fart.

Some of this might seem juvenile. But, farts are funny. The great Louis CK, who is headlining the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Dinner this June, summed it up best when he appeared on The Daily Show last year:  “You don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you have to be stupid not to.” Watch the whole video:

 

Meghan McCain’s blog is one of those rare websites like textsfromlastnight.com or the DailyKos where you come away feeling dumber having read it. Yesterday’s post entitled “My Beauty Essentials” hurts the head more than usual.

The MSNBC Contributor, Daily Beast columnist and child of privilege decided the world needed to know her beauty secrets. No problem with that, really. It’s her blog, she can write about whatever floats her boat.

The problem is with how this graduate of Columbia University writes. The most polite way to put it is she writes like someone for whom English is a third language they were taught in their second language.

The post starts off like this:

“As many of you may know I travel a lot for work. After many years, I have mastered the art of doing makeup on a plane, giving myself a facial at home and *gasp* yes even applying false eyelashes. Later on I will be posting little tricks I have picked up along the way but here are ten products I simply can’t live without and have stood the Meghan McCain test of time.”

Dear copy editors reading this, sorry for making you sick. Fear not, later on she’ll be posting more vomit inducing rants to answer questions no one asked. Hopefully it will refer to herself in the third person more, cuz that’s, like, awesome ‘n’ stuff!

I can’t go through this line by line since I just ate, so here are a few “highlights” to give you the general idea.

Product 2 on her top 10 list is “Peter Thomas Roth Sulfer Cooling Masque.” It’s probably a great product, I have no idea, but it’s also spelled “Sulfur” not “Sulfer.” How do I know this? First, I know how to spell. Second, she posted a picture of the damn thing right there under the name. The picture shows the label clearly, which includes the proper spelling of the word “Sulfur.” But Meghan was far from done.

The description of why it’s an “essential” is an unparalleled nugget of “HOLY CRAP!”

It’s, “This face mask saves me whenever my skin gets dehydrated. I have tried what feels like hundreds of face masques, this one is definitely my favorite.” Her skin gets dehydrated? So without it her skin would be jerky? Skin gets dry, it doesn’t get dehydrated. DEHYDRATED??!?!?!?

Next is Dove Beauty Bar, about which she writes, “Sometimes the simplest products are simply the best. I have used this soap everyday in the shower for as long as I can remember and it’s the only product that doesn’t dry out my skin.” Doesn’t she mean it won’t “dehydrate” her skin? And “Sometimes the simplest products are simply” ANYTHING? Simplest simply?!? My head hurts.

About the Bobbi Brown Creamy Concealer Kit she writes, “This product is a miracle worker and is truly the one thing I can’t leave home without, it is a miracle for covering up under eye circles!!!” It’s the miracle worker that is, um, a miracle! Maybe she should cut down on her make-up budget for a week and buy a thesaurus.

On the Victoria’s Secret Beauty Rush Lip Gloss, Einstein, er, Meghan writes, “I know it’s kind of funny, but my favorite lip gloss is one I discovered checking out in line at Victoria’s Secret.” That’s not “kind of funny.” It’s not even a little funny. Maybe she should take two weeks off from make-up to buy a dictionary as well. And “…I discovered checking out in line..” What? It hurts to read.

The last product on her list is Purell Hand Sanitizer. That’s fine, that’s normal. I just wish they made Purell for the brain so I could wipe clean the memory of reading this post.

Campaign season has a way of bringing society’s crazies to light. Yesterday it was Fred Karger, lunatic candidate for President who hates him some Mormons, today it’s Terry Jones, lunatic candidate for President who hates him some sanity.

Jones, clearly a mustache enthusiast, is also the moron who felt the need to burn a Koran to point out the dangers of radical Islam rather than, you know, simply talking about them, is running for President on a platform of…Jello, really.

Jones, a pastor, is really down on gay marriage. Don’t even get him started. See a press release after the jump dated Dec. 21sh [sic]…

The “Issues” tab on his website lists four, count ‘em, FOUR planks in his platform.

1. Balance the budget and reduce the national deficit.

Considering the deficit is the annual measure of the difference between revenues and expenditures, a balanced budget would, by definition, eliminate it, not just reduce it. What Jones, or anyone around him with the slightest clue how the government he seeks to lead works, should have said is “reduce the national debt,” the sum of all outstanding deficits. But anyone who thinks that facial hair is a good idea can’t be expected to know the difference between such things, he’s got a campaign to run!

2. Eliminate our dependency on foreign oil.

Why hasn’t someone thought of this before? Just think of the jobs it would create! If there were more to the Jones platform than a single sentence per point, like a link to exactly (or even approximately) how he planned on accomplishing his goals…OK, it would still probably be hilarious. But there isn’t. Maybe he has a Nixonian “secret plan” to end our need for foreign oil hidden is his mustache, but it’s doubtful. It’s simply not that bushy.

3. Deport all illegal aliens immediately.

Perhaps Jones is privy to Star Trek transporter technology that only those with serious presidential aspirations are told, but this seems improbable. Short of yelling “olly olly oxen free” in his inaugural address in a way that causes 12 million illegals to immediately head for their nearest border, this pledge will, at best, take some time. At worst, be broken.

4. Bring all U.S. troops home from foreign soil, Cut military spending by several billion dollars.

Aside from the danger and impracticality of this, he straight-up stole this from Ron Paul. Add in a line about letting, encouraging or helping Iran build a nuclear bomb and it IS Ron Paul’s foreign policy platform.  Why would anyone vote for Jones over Paul when at least Paul knows how to shave? I suspect this won’t be an issue for many people.

Each cycle brings out the crazies like the LaRouche cultists, and each brings his own brand of insanity. Like most lunatic candidates, Jones will get exactly as many votes as he has family members, maybe less. The only positive the Jones campaign can hope to exploit for additional votes is that he shares a name with a member of Monty Python. That Terry Jones was born in the UK, and therefore can’t constitutionally be elected President, but he still stands a better shot next November than this nutjob.

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Meghan McCain, daughter of Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and Cindy McCain, beer distributor heiress, whose only accomplishment of note is being born to rich and famous parents and finding a way to parlay a poorly written blog into a book deal, doesn’t like Newt Gingrich. Why does anyone care what this spoiled woman-child thinks? Because she’s on TV, naturally.

In what can only be explained as a prank that has gotten out of control, Meghan is also an MSNBC contributor who was brought on to represent the Republican Party. Well, it was either a prank or just how far down the food chain MSNBC had to go in order to find anyone willing to call themselves a Republican and regularly appear on their network. Either way, it ain’t right.

Meghan was on “Now with Alex Wagner” earlier in the week to discuss the Republican primary and used the opportunity to unleash fresh hypocrisy on the world.

In addition to claiming that a Gingrich nomination would be “the end of the Republican Party,” McCain decided to attack Newt’s wife Callista, who, in her eyes is a hussy.

Of Callista, Meghan says, “[S]he was a third wife and a mistress and is coming off somewhat icy and [her] reputation of being somewhat controversial within their campaign is doing damage. Maybe just to politicos, but I think it’s something that people, and especially values voters, will bring into the race.”

GUESS WHAT MEGHAN: YOUR MOM IS ALSO A HUSSY.

McCain, herself not a “values voter,” calls Mrs. Gingrich “a mistress.” It’s true, Newt was married to his second wife when they met. But what Meghan neglects to point out is her own mother Cindy, wife of the last Republican nominee, was a mistress herself. Yes, John McCain was married when he met and became involved with Cindy. That this doesn’t occur to Meghan isn’t surprising, since she’s so oblivious to the world around her that she actually thinks people take her seriously.

But that slight to mistresses might make for an awkward Christmas dinner at the McCain house…whichever of the 8 homes in which they’re “Christmasing” this year.

MSNBC contributor Meghan McCain is also, like, totally a blogger! When not dispensing overpriced dime-store insight into the space between her ear she calls the young Republican mindset, she muses about stuff ‘n’ stuff on her website, McCainblogette.

Tuesday, Meghan took to her blog to offer some advice on “How to avoid 140-character regret,” four pearls of wisdom on how she tries to avoid exposing herself as an idiot by making embarrassing mistakes on Twitter.

She describes it this way: “Here are some rules I’ve set for myself to avoid any Tweet-centric mishaps or regrets.”

Overlooking the opening graph that would earn a D- in a third grade writing class, her points are as follows.

“1. Never tweet directly after a breakup, trust me no good will come of this. You are too emotionally raw and you don’t want to take it out on your twitter family.”

OK, not the worst advice ever. But it’s a lot like telling a kid “Don’t stare at the sun.” It’s gonna happen. But still, not a horrible start. Though referring to strangers on Twitter as “family” is a bit odd.

“2. Never tweet when you are angry in response to a follower. Take a step back and breathe- it’s just some anonymous person on the internet.”

First, the word “Internet” should be capitalized. Second, didn’t she just say people on Twitter were her family? Now they’re “just some anonymous person”? Where’s the love, Meghan? Third, if Twitter isn’t for fighting and letting the world see pictures of what you’re eating for dinner, what’s it for?

“3. Make sure that whenever you post a picture, you have looked over numerous times to make sure it’s correct. Tori Spelling’s husband recently tweeted a topless picture of his wife accidentally without realizing it- yikes!”

OK, there’s just a lot of stupid happening here. A LOT! Take a second and read that again, then realize that she’s a Columbia University graduate and PAID to write for The Daily Beast. The first sentence has a missing “it” and “Tori Spelling’s husband recently tweeted a topless picture of his wife accidentally without realizing it…”? Who would Tori Spelling’s husband’s wife be? And could you “accidentally” tweet something while realizing it? If this is what you get with an Ivy League education, community college for everyone! Tina Brown, that sound you hear is your brand tarnishing.

“4. And finally, try not to tweet anything you wouldn’t be comfortable with your mother, grandmother or sister reading – that’s my rule of thumb.”

Um…Uh…Why did she feel the need to make three points about her “rules,” then, in the final point, say THIS ONE is her “rule of thumb”?  What are the other three? General guidelines she thinks people should just ignore as long as grandma, mom and sis are cool with what you’ve said? “Rules of pinky”?

You have to wonder sometimes if Meghan ever reads what she’s written. More than that, you have to wonder how hard it is for colleagues at MSNBC and The Daily Beast to not laugh at her when she’s around. As for the rest of us, it’s a good thing she’s not around.

 

Ann Coulter is making the media rounds to explain her endorsement of Mitt Romney in the GOP Primary. Yesterday, she joined the “Morning Joe” team in studio. She was dressed in black and her long blond hair was looking fab. When Joe Scarborough pressed Coulter on the “flip-flop” issues that some of the conservative candidates seem to have, she tried to say being politically consistent isn’t as important as the media makes it seem. From there? Things get a little blurry. Coulter starts talking about Sen. John McCain’s (R-Ariz.) lack of consistency and calls him….something.

MSNBC censors silenced Coulter’s microphone. Here’s the awkward exchange.

When Team Joe freaks out, Coulter seems genuinely stunned, as if she doesn’t even realize what she said. She managed to sneak out half of the word “douchebag” before the censors struck again. What exactly did Coulter say? Did MSNBC fail to bleep out the douche bag comment? Coulter went on Joy Behar’s HLN show last night to explain WITHOUT getting bleeped. The word was “dickweed.”

For those of you keeping score at home:

Dickweed = Not OK
Douchebag = Totally OK

Unless of course you’re TIME‘s Mark Halperin, who famously said President Obama was being “kind of a dick” earlier this year without getting bleeped. However, he was suspended for over a month for his comments.

We reached out to “Morning Joe’s” Willie Geist who “doesn’t have anything to add to the story”.

For the past 24 hours Betsy’s been chronicling Battle Van-Carlson,  the feud between FNC’s Greta Van Susteren and Tucker Carlson over a Daily Caller post that described in detail lewd remarks about former Governor Sarah Palin, made by convicted rapist and all-around idiot Mike Tyson.  Written by Jeff Poor, the piece recounted an interview Tyson recently gave to a Vegas ESPN affiliate in which he offered vulgar, sexually-charged WTFuckery about Palin’s love life.  After reading the post, Van Susteren went berserk on Carlson, calling him a “pig,” “liar,” etc.

Greta suggests that by running the story, the Caller is guilty of journalistic crimes against women and smut peddling.  Tucker argues that Tyson’s high-pitched squeaks are newsworthy and deserve public scrutiny and condemnation.  What say you?  Read more here and here…and weigh in below.

Jamal Simmons has a birthday wish: “$40 for 40 kids,” says an email invitation.  Sounds a little fishy, right?  At we first we thought CNN and CBS contributor was wrapped up in some wacky child labor or human trafficking ring.  But who would e-vite their friends to participate in organized crime?  So we read on.

The reality is Simmons is celebrating his 40th birthday with a party at 9th Street’s Mood Lounge this weekend.  In lieu of gifts, the pundit is asking guests to make a $40 donation to Detroit’s Rosa Parks Scholarship Foundation, an annual program that awards 40 Michigan high school seniors $2,000 scholarships.  Ah, that’s better.  Happy birthday to Jamal!  You can support his cause here.

HuffPost‘s Michael Calderone is reporting that none other than famed WaPo columnist Ezra Klein (looking rather muscular here) will regularly contribute editorials to Bloomberg View. He joins a roster that includes Jonathan Alter of Newsweek, former OMB director Peter Orszag, The Atlantic‘s Jeffrey Goldberg, and Bloomberg‘s Margaret Carlson and Al Hunt.

Not to worry, Klein will keep his job at WaPo, as will Goldberg at the Atlantic.

Read more about the new section here.