The Hill has released it’s annual “50 Most Beautiful People” list. It’s a doozy and we at Fishbowl just couldn’t contain ourselves. With this, we also begin a new feature called “Project Fishbowl” in which we take photographs and anything else we find worthy of analyzing and put it through severe scrutiny. Kind of like TV’s “Project Runway”, but with a fishy twist. In the future we will have guests, but for today, we begin with just us girls running the show.
#1 Max Engling, staff assistant for the House Administration Committee:
Peter: It’s nice to see that “Joseph Gordon-Levitt from the Wrong Side of the Tracks” can afford a sharkskin suit.
Eddie: Engling worked as a model before beginning his career in politics in 2011. Modeling left him feeling like his time “wasn’t necessarily going to a good cause.” Which begs the question: How much more fulfilling can Engling’s life be as a staff assistant on the Hill?
Piranhamous: I can’t help but notice the wind that is blowing his leather tie but ain’t moving his hair. Moderation on the gel, dude. Crunchy.
Betsy: If Leonardo DiCaprio had a less attractive twin brother in a boy band, his name would be Max Engling.
#2 Carolyn Amirpashaie, special assistant to Rep. Randy Forbes (R-Va.):
Eddie: “Special assistant”?
Piranhamous: Obnoxious quote: “’[My parents] pushed my sister and me to be our own people and do what we wanted,’ she says.” Are there parent s who push their kids to be someone else? ‘Honey, we’ve decided we want you to be your cousin Betty.’ P.S. if someone compares you to a Kardashian you shouldn’t take it it as a compliment. EVER.
Betsy: Is The Hill so hard up they can’t afford SOME manner of shine powder?!
#3 Kristen Callaway, legislative assistant to Rep. Steve Southerland (R-Fla.):
Peter: Looks like someone went rogue with a bedazzler.
Eddie: Phrase Callaway has never heard: “Your neck is too short.”
Piranhamous: I first thought this was Tara Reid, then I saw her arms were crossed and realized she was “for serious!”
Betsy: Looks like Kristen is hiding The Daily Caller‘s Matthew Boyle‘s nuts in her cheeks.
#7 Alyssa Dack, Rep. Mike McIntyre’s (D-N.C.) outreach coordinator:
Peter: On the left, we have comedy; on the right, we have tragedy. Life’s drama plays out on the hot list.
Eddie: In her profile, Dack says her hometown of Asheville, N.C., is responsible for her independence. “It’s all about being who you are,” she said, “if you don’t, you stick out like a sore thumb.” Asheville: Only city in America where you somehow manage to stick out by being like everyone else.
Piranhamous: Pro-tip: If you want to be taken seriously do not wear a dress short enough to require two hairdos to work. Have people learned nothing from all those pictures of Briney Spears getting out of cars?
Betsy: Alyssa on the left: Please stop smiling.
#8 Samantha Dezur, Education Finance Council’s vice president of communications:
Eddie: Hard to believe Dezur actually cares about style. She’s a self-described libertarian.
Piranhamous: She’s referred to as a “reality television star” because she “starred in the Style Network’s show “Running in Heels.” Oh, how society has lowered the bar of what constitutes someone being a “star.” It’s like saying, “My YouTube video has 138 views, I’m thinking of going on tour.”
Betsy: Pearls inspired by Bloomberg‘s Stephanie Green.
#9 Leslie Rath, scheduler for Rep. Paul Gosar (R-Ariz.):
Peter: She looks like a photo negative of Morticia Addams.
Eddie: That’s where my grandmother’s favorite doily curtains went!
Piranhamous: I hope she brings the bowl they used to cut her hair to the drive-in…when we show a movie on her gigantic forehead.
Betsy: Dishwater blond, flat, greasy, hair styled by Supercuts is never a good look. Did Leslie know she was having a photo shoot?
#15 Yvonne Hsu, legislative assistant for Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif.):
Peter: I like to call this look “The Angry Flamingo.”
Eddie: Can’t tell if I’m looking at a photo of a fringed dress collar or a live birth.
Piranhamous: This could be the ugliest dress I’ve ever seen. It looks like a giant flower is raping her neck…with pockets. And she has psycho-alert written all over her profile. Connect these dots: “she loves food” “so she took to cooking” “she doesn’t put too much effort into cooking” “she lives by the philosophy that if you’re going to try something new, you should do it all-out” “How else would you do anything?” I don’t know, maybe consistently?
Betsy: I didn’t realize Connie Chung was making a comeback as a Capitol Hill staffer. The dress might strangle her. Maury finds this sexy?
#16 Rep. Jim Himes (D-Conn.)
Peter: His jawline is a weapon of mass destruction. You could sharpen a butter knife on that thing.
Eddie: The Hill makes sure we know Himes is hot. But not that hot: “He was once a model for Polo Ralph Lauren. Now, we’re not talking Sen. Scott Brown (R-Mass.)-level modeling.” We shall refer to Himes henceforth as Two-Bit Brown.
Piranhamous: I’ve never cared much for Members who give interviews for this list, have you nothing better to do than participate in this vanity project? Then I realize I’ve never heard of most of these Members because they’re back-benchers who don’t do much beyond what they’re told.
Betsy: There’s something utterly irritating about Jim’s jaw area, not to mention the blemish on his chin. You just know he tells crappy jokes and all the aides sit around the office and yuk it up like he’s hilarious.
#18 Mary Hiratsuka legislative assistant for Rep. Don Young (R-Alaska)
Eddie: Hiratsuka walks around with a “prized” sealskin purse, according to The Hill. Badass. That’s all.
Betsy: As Samantha from “Sex and the City” might say, “Honey, wax much?” On a good note, with eyebrows that thick, Mary no longer needs to wear a visor. Her gum-tooth ratio? Not good.
#28 Ryan Mills, development associate at government-affairs firm Berman and Co:
Peter: It’s nice to know that they let 11-year-olds work on the Hill.
Eddie: Looks nearly a Kennedy but completely a Carlson. Tucker Carlson, that is.
Piranhamous: What’s up with the little tuft of hair in front? It screams “DOUCHEBAG!” because it’s deliberate.
Betsy: Had no idea that pubic hair could grow out of a man’s forehead.
#29 Derek Khanna, professional policy staffer for the House Republican Study Committee:
Peter: “I don’t always surf the Internet, but when I do, eyebrows.”
Eddie: Fear the brow(s).
Piranhamous: Holy shit, someone should take the weed-whacker they used on his head to his eyebrow(s). I apologize if it turns out that these are just two caterpillars about to mate on his nose.
Betsy: 10 beers and an ecstasy tablet.
#34 Jennifer Fisher, lobbyist for American Dental Association.
Peter: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band meets Fashion Bug.
Eddie: Fisher knows the politics of fashion– assuming it takes place in the next installment of the Aladdin series because I’m almost certain that purple jacket was inspired by Jasmine.
Piranhamous: I think she’s wearing the rejected warm-up suit for the Olympic gymnastics team.
Betsy: I’m scared. Will she beat my ass if I insult her? Envisioning her on a future episode of Bad Girls Club.
#35 Hayley King, legislative correspondent to Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-Maine):
Eddie: How do you comment on someone who was tagged “The Horror”?
Piranhamous: I’m pretty sure I see the constellation Cassiopeia in freckles on her left cheek.
Betsy: Are we at a National Freckle Convention? How did that happen?
#36 Brian Bosak, legislative assistant to Rep. Joe Pitts (R-Pa.):
Peter: His tie could serve double duty as a tablecloth at a picnic.
Eddie: I like that tie, Peter.
Piranhamous: Give us the “I’m holding in a fart” look. Perfect! Got it!
Betsy: Another member of the National Freckle Convention. These people are relentless.
#38 Erik Olson, Chief of Staff to Rep. Ron Kind (D-Wis.):
Peter: If anyone wants to know how to build muscles on your forehead, I found your man.
Betsy: Billy Mays blasted his way into the 50 Most Beautiful? I thought he was dead.
Piranhamous: Dude, you’re Chief of Staff and you couldn’t bring yourself to wear a suit? And why do I have a sudden urge to buy some OxyClean?
#32 Laura Froehlich, associate director of public policy at UBS:
Peter: These are the last pictures of Froelich before a small gust of wind blew her out to sea, never to be heard from again.
Eddie: Froehlich has the best philosophy on being healthy and looking good. “Don’t be an asshole,” she said.
Piranhamous: The picture on the right is the one you see on the Match.com profile and respond to, the picture on the left is the chick who shows up and suddenly you remember that early morning meeting you have the following day.
Betsy: Seeing as I just got a perfect bill of health, I think I speak for all of us to say that Froehlich can frolic right out of this contest. Her gum-tooth ratio is bordering on questionable. But I will give her this: She has nice hair and is a very handsome woman.
#44 Regina Asante, mail carrier to offices on the second floor of the Rayburn House Office Building:
Peter: It’s nice to see that Miss Cleo landed safely after her phone psychic service folded.
Eddie: Note to self: Definitely need a shirt that comes with a shield.
Piranhamous: Are we having lobster for dinner? Ditch the bib-dress.
Betsy: Halloween in May? Interesting concept.
#46 Caleb Smith, new media director for the House Financial Services Committee:
Eddie: “The Hangover.”
Piranhamous: This is just a few years away from what a “before” picture in a hair-loss ad looks like.
Betsy: I think Current TV’s David Shuster went to Camp Yehudah with this guy. Too much Israeli dancing and late night campfires with Shuster gave him this annoying, peppy smile.
#48 Andrew Simpson, staff assistant with Rep. Mike McIntyre (D-N.C.):
Peter: “Sorry guys.. My seersucker was at the dry cleaners. You’ll have to deal with this foppish bow-tie.”
Eddie: Just curious who made the executive decision to make Simpson whiter for the close-up shot.
Piranhamous: The picture on the right is the look someone who isn’t that bright has while they’re trying to “get” a joke or doing basic math in their head.
Betsy: Dapper and stylish, he’d raise his beauty IQ by snipping off that tiny curly-q at the tip of his bang.
#49 Andrew Aronow, a staff assistant and legislative correspondent for Rep. John Dingell:
Peter: Nice try, Clark Kent. We all know you’re Superman.
Eddie: Aronow appears to be just as surprised as I was that he made the cut.
Piranhamous: He’s listed as having a girlfriend…and someday he plans to talk to her and let her know. The picture on the right looks like a guy who is seeing boobs for the first time, the picture on the left is the look that guy gives when someone points out that they don’t count as boobs if they’re on Michael Moore. Keep hope alive!
Betsy: Quick Eddie, you rip the glasses off his face and stomp on them and Peter will stuff him into a locker.