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5 Best/5 Weirdest/5 Most Useful Things in TIME-People Party Gift Bag

We know they say not to look a gift horse in the mouth. But we’re going to today as we sift through the heaviest TIME-People gift bag to date. And actually, we’re going to also highly praise the picking powers that be as we name the 5 best, 5 weirdest and 5 most useful items in the bag. Let’s get the weirdest over with shall we?

THE WEIRDEST

1. Heavy-ass granola. Seriously, this is what’s weighing down the bag and is going to slip the disc in my back? This stuff is called “Purely Elizabeth” and it’s made with organic quinoa, amaranth + chia (yum). It’s gluten-free, vegan and free of refined sugar. We can hardly wait.

2. GoGo Sequeez apple-grape applesauce on the go. It looks like two very strange, wide, tubes of toothpaste in a burlap bag, only it’s applesauce. Why do I want applesauce on the go? Or the go-go, I should say. Of course it’s gluten, nut and dairy free.

3. NeuroBLISS lightly carbonated drink, astonishingly heavier than the granola. It’s meant to de-stress. They write, “Deadlines have you stressed? On the campaign trail. Covering the economic crisis. It’s not always easy to follow your bliss. But with NeuroBLISS, it’s as simple as taking a sip.” Ingredients: L-theanine, chamomile. They say it “enhances mood and promotes a positive outlook — no matter what’s happening on the Hill.”

4. Happy Socks — maybe some of the ugliest socks you’ve ever seen that you should only wear in the confines of your home. Made in Sweden, they’re apparently popular and sold in “close to 50 countries.” Above all, they’re meant to spread happiness.

5. Jelly Mousse, a natural hair gel that’s supposed to help the “overtired and cranky.” Hey, we’re noticing a theme here. (Says, “takes you from cranky to sweet.”) Ingredients: Alcohol free, Roman Chamomile (I’d try this for this ingredient alone.) In a weird twist, they add a “mommy-tip” which is that this goop can also be used to add volume. Just add a dollop and blow dry.

MOST USEFUL

1. Schick Hydro 5 disposable razors. They look like they’re for men, but a woman could probable get away with using them. We’ll assume the Edge gel shaving cream is a companion item.

2. It’s a tie. USB to mini USB cable and Supersmile whitening toothpaste. We really couldn’t pick on this one, but if there was a gun to my head I’d take the whitening toothpaste.

3. Jason Vitamin E moisturizing cream. The smell is thankfully neutral; the texture, rich and substantial.

4. Sleek, simple metallic slider case for the iPhone5. Durable hardshell construction, complete edge and corner protection. What’s not to like?

5. Hawaiian sunscreen spf 45 by Alba. Smells beachy and wonderful.

And now, the best…

THE BEST

1. 10 of the coolest hair ties we’ve ever seen. They look like they were designed by a designer blend of Tommy Hilfiger, Lucky Brand and J. Crew. Best part: “Leaves your locks dent and damage-free.”

2. In the same vein as the hair ties, there are also two gorgeous headbands. They’re called Urban Halos. How did we ever live without them? Perfect for washing your face and keeping soap and water out of your hair.

3. Stila eye shadow with a full size smudge stick waterproof eyeliner. Beautiful. Eye shadow of the Gods.

4. Sheila G’s Brownie Brittle: Surprisingly delicious. The package describes it as “rich brownie taste with a cookie crunch.” That’s it, exactly. But it’s not sticky like peanut brittle and your teeth will not hate you for eating it.

5. Kusmi Wellness teas – these are no ordinary teas. They are specialty, upscale and from Paris, and they come in six different types ranging from Detox (lemongrass and green tea) to Euphoria (orange and chocolate).

5a. I had to add an extra number to this category because the L’Oréal Miracle Blur, a balm/cream/powder, is really to die for. It promises to magically smooth and moisturize your skin and it does just that and more. It feels like a cream and powder rolled into one but the emphasis is on the moisture not the powder. The result: sheer perfection.

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