This probably would have a been a much kinder wrap-up had Fox PR bouncer Nicole Gonzales not shut us out of the Ryan Seacrest press conference Wednesday. But she did. So it’s not.

Ryan Will Get Shit-Faced: At least that’s the take-home message on one Web site.

Ryan Will Shuck His Duties: The Orlando Sentinel reports that Seacrest knows he’s not a stand-up comedian, and “predicted the laughs will come from such presenters as Ellen DeGeneres and Stephen Colbert.” So they’re paying him why?

Ryan Will Count On You Feeling Sorry For Him: Announcing that he “may or may not” participate in an opening musical number, Seacrest said, “I’m going to try to have a sense of humor about it, and I hope the people watching have a sense of humor, too.”

So far, we’re not laughing.