Sploid admits cheerfully that it "just can't stop smoking that breaking-news crack." But after reading West Coast editor Ken Layne's "Shift Memo" to no one in particular, we can't help but wonder if that's not a euphemism for smoking a Whitney Houston-sized hunk o' sweet crackity-cracklin' goodness.

Layne's Faulknerian memo takes us from his fond recollections of a Fox newscast about real estate deals:

And then the perky real-estate gal explained how you find these places before they get too expensive. I quote from memory:

"First the gays move in, then the students, then there's nightlife and then people realize, My God, something's happening here."

...to ruminations on Quizno subs:

The "black angus steak sandwich" is mighty good. Get the jumbo size and you can eat the other half for breakfast, like a champion.

...to being instructed to cut back on "oddball stories"

And today I see this fantastic story about the Pig Olympics in China. What to do? This story has everything: action, drama, pigs showing incredible dexterity and determination. I let it go.

...to his delicious recipe for "the special Day Drink":

100% cranberry juice (which is incredibly bitter by itself) and this sparkling water they sell at the store and ice cubes. It's a healthy hydrating treat, and as your day progresses you can start substituting vodka for the water, a little at a time, and it's nighttime before you know it. But I just drink the Day version, until it's night.

Once again, the only thing that's missing is a reference to Stalin.