Celebrity chef Jean-Georges Vongerichten was no doubt pleased with the New York Times’ two-star review of his latest New York restaurant, abc cocina, on July 31. But whoever wrote the description on the restaurant’s website may have cringed, since food critic Pete Wells questioned key passages. The review serves as a reminder why concise wording usually makes better business sense.

Here’s the abc cocina website content that Wells parsed:

abc cocina & michelin star chef Jean-Georges Vongerichten welcome you to our modern global exchange celebrating local craft and international culture, a fusion of tradition and innovation uniting yesterday and tomorrow. Experience the vision of abc home curation, a romantic and mystical atmosphere and succumb to a dynamic love affair with an eclectic and enchanting cuisine.

Here are excerpts from Wells’ reaction to that description:

“If that gives you a vivid picture of what’s in store for you at this three-month-old establishment, stop reading and use the free time that now stretches out before you to do something nice for a stranger. If, on the other hand, you found a few passages somewhat hazy, I’ll be happy to do my job.”

“This “modern global exchange” is what we critics like to call a “restaurant.” “International culture” must refer to the menu. I could see how it might be romantic and mystical if you are sexually attracted to gelatinous sea creatures. As for “dynamic love affair,” you are going to have to ask Google. I have absolutely no idea.”

Writing in a “can you top this?” style isn’t unique to the restaurant industry. Overuse of buzzwords also appears to be the rise, and we see frequent evidence across categories, from media to design to travel. Yet clear, simple language is preferred for these five reasons:

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This is the most important news you’ll read all day. Actress, Julia Roberts niece and accused boyfriend beater Emma Roberts didn’t feel like standing in a ridiculously long line to get one of those mythical “cronuts” at Manhattan’s Dominique Ansel Bakery, so she (allegedly) dragged her publicist to the door and tried the “don’t you know who I am” trick.

Anyone who went to kindergarten knows that no one gets to bully his or her way to the front of any line, especially when a doorman waits at the end. Before you ask: yes, the bakery has a doorman—and yes, he told an “embarrassed” Roberts to go to the back of the queue, where she smiled for paparazzi and signed autographs before leaving due to boredom, or something like that.

Later she appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, where she claimed that she hadn’t even realized there was a line. The host took a break from laughing at his own jokes to graciously grant her access to the deep-fried goodness she not-so-desperately wanted.

Note to publicists: this is why they hate us.

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Our lives are non-stop — we hear it all the time. If we’re not in a meeting, running an errand, cooking dinner or squeezing in a workout, then we’re probably on our smartphones either planning these things, doing them virtually, or posting about them on social networks. We, as a society, have forgotten how to be still.

Enter Amstel beer and its own take on the smart vending machine trend — stand perfectly still for three straight minutes and this harbinger of serenity will reward you with a free beer. The message is pretty clear: take a break from your hectic life with an Amstel. Simple, yet perfectly on point.

If this sounds like an easy way to earn a free beer, take three minutes of your Friday and try actually remaining perfectly still (no checking Facebook, no fidgeting, no phone calls) without getting antsy — it’s harder than you’d think! But it is rewarding (even without the free beer).

Here’s the associated commercial out of Bulgaria:

Last week our sister site AllTwitter reported on a story that serves as a great example of a well-meaning social media marketing campaign that got a little too aggressive. Harping on the fact that it supposedly uses only “antibiotic-free” meat in its food, the Panera Bread chain’s team created a campaign pushing the message that only lazy farmers use antibiotics on their animals. This included a micro-site, a Facebook tab, and the satirical @EZChicken Twitter feed (which was more than a little over the top despite some pretty cool art direction).

We get where they were going with this project and the tagline “The Road to Delicious Is Antibiotic-Free”, but it’s hard not to conclude that any farmers who use antibiotics in any circumstance are not very good at their jobs—and that implication extends to nearly every farmer in this country. Now who supplies Panera with the meat for its sandwiches?

The response from the animal husbandry community wasn’t so positive:

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From the McRib to allegedly gluten-free products, the nexus of food and public relations has always been big business. Sadly, some of that PR involves companies and brands attempting to obfuscate the dietary content of their offerings. However, as the foodie generation grows older, consumers are becoming more discerning about the foods they consume.

So, this week, as the first test-tube hamburger was served pan-fried in London for all the public to see, PR professionals can’t help but wonder what this wonder food means to our industry. Is this simply a passing gimmick that will be buried in a grave beside New Coke, or are we witnessing a revolution in what and how the human race perceives food?

As a PR industry professional, what do you think the future of test-tube meat is, and what role will public relations play in its success or failure?

New FDA rules now say that food marked “gluten-free” can’t have levels of gluten that exceed 20 parts gluten per million parts of food. In addition, these foods can’t contain rye, barley, wheat, or any crossbreeds of those items. According to Business Insider, this is the lowest level of gluten that can be detected and the new rule puts our gluten-free standard on par with those in other countries.

This is the first time we have legally binding rules about gluten-free foods in place. They come along with new high standards for foods marked “sodium free,” “sodium free,” and “sugar free.”

For people who suffer from celiac disease, it must be a relief to know that what they’re getting is actually following the most strict guidelines available. There are three million people suffering from celiac disease. About 18 million are gluten sensitive. And then there are those who are going gluten-free to lose weight through regimens like the paleo diet.

This is a $4.2 billion market.  For brands, there’s good and bad with these new rules.

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Remember Dunkin’ Donuts’ breakfast sandwich that replaced a bagel with two doughnuts? Well, just in time for the hottest part of summer, Carl’s Jr. is unveiling its own frosty version of a sandwich between non-traditional bread substitutes, and is doing so in truly epic fashion. In the latest promo from the burger chain (below), the Strawberry Pop-Tart Ice Cream Sandwich (a mouthful in more ways than one!) receives a debut befitting a modern marvel of mythic proportions…which, of course, it is.

The ad, created by agency 72andSunny, pairs the immediately recognizable and unquestionably epic theme from “2001: A Space Odyssey” with rave reviews from notable sources like The Huffington Post. The viewer is then given an up-close view as the tantalizing treat is assembled by hand, and is completed (in all its glory) just as the music reaches its climax.

We must say, even though we were taken in by the intensity of it all, we were left wondering one thing: Weren’t we just given detailed instructions on how to construct such a wonder of epic deliciousness ourselves out of things we probably already have in the kitchen (a pop tart, an ice cream scoop, and some ice cream)? Read more

In case you never watched Dudley Do-Right as a kid, we’ll let you in on a little secret: things are different in Canada. For instance, McDonald’s Ontario recently added the McLobster to its menu. Let that one sink in for a minute.

Why do we mention our great white neighbor to the north? Because Canada has given us Jim Carrey, Rick Moranis, at least one member of Arcade Fire, and this week’s best case study in proactive social media PR!

This isn’t just social media community managers tweeting “We’re sorry for your experience, customer X. Please email us at LikeWeCare@yahoo.com for more info!” McDC promises to answer any consumer’s question—as long as he or she connects on Twitter or Facebook first. Crafty!

So how does this project work?

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Today in Put Your Clothes Back On news: we can add Naked Juice to the quickly growing line of foodstuff brands settling class-action lawsuits over deceptive health claims. Parent brand PepsiCo clearly missed the message about transparency being the best PR practice around, effectively admitting in the settlement that its “all natural” marketing claims are less than 100% accurate.

We’re not talking pasteurization here, people: the smoothie fakers include such “unnaturally processed and synthetic” ingredients as zinc oxide, ascorbic acid, and calcium pantothenate, all of which sound better suited to a meth lab than an orange grove (insert your Breaking Bad shout out here). In fact, that last one is derived from formaldehyde, to which we say: ewww, man. Ewww.

The juice may taste good, and it’s a hell of a lot healthier than much of the stuff we shove into our faces on a regular basis, but it’s hardly the “freshest” or the “purest” thing around, no?

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Vending machines are no longer just logo-covered boxes that trade coins for products. Over the past few months, we’ve covered everything from Hot Wheels’ tweet-powered vending machine to Coke’s slender, patriotic, and peace-seeking ones.

Now, coffee roaster Douwe Egberts has equipped one of its java-dispensing machines — which resides in a busy South African airport — with facial recognition software, enabling it to recognize when a person yawns. When a sleepy traveler approaches the machine, he or she is given a complimentary cup of joe.

The catchphrase attached to the accompanying campaign, created by Joe Public, is simply: “Bye bye, red eye.”

Forget blocking Facebook…a yawn-detecting coffee dispenser might just be the office productivity-booster the world’s been waiting for!