The latest PR battle over food labeling comes right on the heels of our coverage of the controversy surrounding common and often meaningless labels like “natural” and “farm fresh” — and our speculation about whether related PR wars could eventually lead to more accountability and, in the long run, healthier products.

A federal court in New Jersey has cleared the way for a class action lawsuit against the nation’s third-largest poultry producer, Perdue Farms, Inc., over the company’s alleged false advertising of factory farmed chicken products as “humane.”

The suit, which was filed by two members of The Humane Society of the United States on behalf of consumers, alleges that Perdue is illegally marketing chicken products as “Humanely Raised” in violation of the New Jersey Consumer Fraud Act.

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We can’t imagine the advertising geniuses at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce making a rookie mistake like this.

Fans of Mad Men are undoubtedly familiar with the famous opening credit sequence in which a faceless, suit-clad man falls from a skyscraper in slow motion, passing period-relevant ads on his way down. With the show’s commitment to genuine historical accuracy, it’s no surprise that the images featured in this opening sequence are from real print ads.

No surprise, that is, unless you’re Gita Hall May, the model whose face has appeared at the start of every episode since the show’s 2007 debut without her knowledge or, allegedly, her consent.

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“Dietl was severely injured, bruised, and wounded, suffered, still suffers and will continue to suffer for some time physical pain and bodily injuries and became sick, sore, lame and disabled and so remained for a considerable length of time.”

That sounds a bit like a typical exaggeration fit for a lawsuit, doesn’t it? OK, so what did the good Dr. Oz suggest Mr. Dietl do? Well, in order to treat his chronic insomnia with a “home remedy”, Oz told him (and millions of other viewers) to put some uncooked rice into a pair of socks, heat them in the microwave until they’re warm (“don’t get it too hot”) and:

“…lie for about 20 minutes with those socks on in bed; the heat will divert blood to your feet to your heat. When your feet get hot, guess what happens to your body. It gets cold. Your body will automatically adjust its core temperature and as it gets cooler, you’re going to be able to sleep better because your body has to be cold in order to be sleepy.”

Sounds like solid science to us! The problem was that Mr. Dietl had limited sensation in his feet and didn’t realize that the rice was way too hot (he probably didn’t drink any rooibos tea either). And then the inevitable happened. We’re not trying to disparage the good doctor, who has a gift for coming up with strange ways to get attention. But this isn’t the first lawsuit filed against one of TV’s favorite medical professionals, either. Dr. Drew, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil (he’s really the worst)…at what point do these paid entertainers become PR liabilities? Oprah? Hello?

Anheuser-Busch, maker of such top-quality “beers” as Budweiser, Michelob and Stella Artois, isn’t playing nice in the face of a lawsuit filed by former employees who claim the brewery illegally waters down its products.

Yesterday the company took the opportunity to simultaneously mock its accusers and call attention to its CSR efforts by publishing a print version of this campaign spot in 10 major U.S. newspapers:

Our guarantee to you: We take our beer and our brewing process seriously. Read more: twitter.com/Budweiser/stat…

— Budweiser (@Budweiser) March 3, 2013

Not only did this ad give Bud a chance to brag about the purity of its products; it also reminded fans that the company donates millions of cans of drinking water (complete with the full Anheuser-Busch logo) to The American Red Cross and other disaster relief organizations.

Whoa there, guys. Didn’t your mom teach you that no one likes a braggart?

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Today we were shocked to learn that some people think Anheuser-Busch InBev, the world’s largest “brewery”, makes products that closely resemble alcohol-flavored water! But that’s not all: According to three $5M lawsuits filed by customers in three different states, the company skirts the law by adding water to Budweiser, Michelob and other famously awful beers, then “overcharg[ing]” customers and “unjustly enrich[ing]” itself by printing inaccurate alcohol content percentages on its packaging.

Oh, and before you ask, frat boys: these allegations apply to Natty Ice as well.

Of course AB InBev reps deny it all with highfalutin language about adhering “to the highest standards in brewing our beers”. But the brand should get ready for a bruising: the info supposedly comes from former employees at its 13 American breweries. Attorney Josh Boxer says that “We believe this is a corporate policy that comes from AB InBev and trickles down.” Touche, sir!

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The BP Gulf of Mexico oil spill trial finally began yesterday after earlier settlement talks failed to produce a compromise, and today brings reports of witness testimony about the company “putting cost cuts over safety” and other familiar, defamatory refrains.

At the same time, settlement talks continue behind closed doors. As part of a “last minute” offer, the Department of Justice now says this whole ordeal could all end tomorrow if BP simply pays $16 billion to the feds and the five affected states.

BP should have no real interest in drawing this long, painful process out. The company has received more bad publicity than any other. It paid the highest fines in history. It’s been shamed (repeatedly) by the DOJ. The public has known about all those incriminating emails for some time. BP’s lawyers may negotiate a smaller settlement by spreading the blame to partners Halliburton and Transocean, but plenty of dirty laundry will be aired (again) in the meantime. So why doesn’t BP just accept the offer?

We can only think of two possible explanations: either the company’s executives feel like the damage has already been done or they’re a bunch of cheap, weaselly bastards.

We’ll go with “both.”

We never knew quite what to make of the apparently massive “dietary supplements” industry. Whenever we saw huge dudes in the gym drinking some mysterious fluid out of a bottle we wondered: what the hell is in there? Turns out it may well have been a combination of amphetamines and caffeine that was designed to help builders “gained mass like never before” but often leads to high blood pressure, elevated heart rates, heart attacks…and death. Despite federal regulations insisting that supplements only contain “natural” ingredients, the key ingredient in these offending products was developed “as an inhaled drug for nasal congestion in the 1940s.”

Two American military men and a British marathoner recently died of heart failure after consuming GNC‘s “Jack3d” supplement (yes, that’s how they spell it), and now one of the soldiers’ families has filed a wrongful death suit against the store and USPLabs, the company that makes the stuff.

GNC has been through this before–and last time they fought back hard, filing defamation suits. We can’t recommend that course now. The FDA shares blame for not properly regulating the stuff, but the entire industry is built on promises that disappear under scrutiny like so much protein powder.

The Springfield Nutrition Center’s cashier famously told Homer Simpson that he was “Lucky…this stuff doesn’t work”. But “Jack3d” may have worked a little too well.

Beer drinkers of America: the Department of Justice has your back.

The DOJ filed a civil antitrust lawsuit this week to stop Anheuser-Busch InBev‘s $20.1 billion deal to buy the remaining shares of Grupo Modelo, brewers of Corona, saying that merging the largest and third largest beer makers would “substantially lessen competition”. In other words, if this deal went through there would be nothing to keep the cost of your Friday night suds from skyrocketing.

Under the proposed merger, ABI and Modelo would together control about 46 percent of beer sales in the US. Bill Baer, assistant attorney general in charge of DOJ’s antitrust division, said “If ABI fully owned and controlled Modelo, ABI would be able to increase beer prices to American consumers. This lawsuit seeks to prevent ABI from eliminating Modelo as an important competitive force in the beer industry.”

In order to prove ABI’s dubious intentions, the DOJ’s complaint quotes internal company documents that highlight ABI’s plans to maintain its upward price leadership.

But Anheuser-Busch, like so many boozed-up brawlers before it, won’t be going down without a fight. The company said that it plans to “vigorously contest the DOJ’s action in federal court”. Oddly, whoever wrote the release forgot to add “despite the fact that everyone in the world knows that both Budweiser and Corona taste like overpriced, alcohol-flavored water.”

We’ll keep you posted as this story progresses. In the meantime, though, we’ve uncovered Anheuser-Busch’s nefarious plans to interrupt your Super Bowl with this tear-jerker of a commercial (as if trying to raise the price of your beer weren’t bad enough). We may or may not have begun our Friday morning watching this clip, singing along, and blubbering into our housecoats. Dammit, Clydesdales – you get us every time.

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Subway‘s 11-inch footlong fiasco just keeps growing!

The Australian customer who initially complained about his less-than-adequate sandwich inspired others around the world to follow suit by filing suits: angry customers in New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Illinois will take the chain to court for false advertising after buying sandwiches that were–gasp–even shorter than 11 inches. And they want $5 million dollars for personal damages. Suing the hell out of companies for dumb stuff: it’s the American way!

After initially claiming that the “footlong” label is “not intended to be a measurement of length”(ha!), the company finally began its inevitable damage control campaign yesterday by issuing the following statement:

“We have redoubled our efforts to ensure consistency and correct length in every sandwich we serve. Our commitment remains steadfast to ensure that every Subway Footlong sandwich is 12 inches at each location worldwide.”

We’ll see about that.

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In case you hadn’t heard, New York mayor Michael Bloomberg won his battle with “big soda”, banning extra-large servings of sugar water via a unanimous City Board of Health vote. The ban will take effect in March, but this doesn’t mean the conflict is over–far from it. See, Coca-Cola may admit to making Americans fat, but the world’s biggest brand will continue to fight for its right to sell ridiculously oversized portions to anyone who cares to buy them.

Now comes the next phase–and big soda chose a very interesting PR approach this time by enlisting the NAACP and the Hispanic Federation to argue against the ban on racial terms. During the first courtroom arguments in the class action suit filed against Bloomberg and the city, representatives from these organizations argued that the ban would disproportionately “hurt small and minority-owned businesses while doing little to help health” and placing said businesses at a further disadvantage when compared to their larger rivals. Of course, soda also plays a crucial role in boosting obesity rates within minority communities, but we’ll just forget about that for now.

Here’s the real shocker: these groups don’t just receive lots of donations from Coke, Pepsi and other soft drink brands; they also give them awards for outstanding “corporate leadership”. This isn’t to say that social advocacy groups should be immune to the usual lobbying nonsense, but the completely unsurprising revelation does damage the credibility of this particular PR initiative while simultaneously diluting the larger and far more important mission of these civil rights advocacy groups. It’s very unfortunate.

One thing that does really bother us about this ban: it will exclude 7-Eleven, home of the famous “Big Gulp”. Why? Because, for some reason, the city can’t legally regulate convenience and supermarket chains (which are slowly smothering its classic bodegas). That’s just dumb.