SUBHED: THE SEDUCTION OF GARRETT GRAFF--THE SCREENPLAY.

FishbowlNY's foreign correspondent, SAC, theoretically covers media in New York from Sacramento. This week, the circularity and incestuousness inherent in media reporting seems to have resulted in some sort of cognitive feedback loop where "narcissistic navel-gazing" and "media reporting on itself" were somehow interpreted as "mediabistro reporting on itself." It's so post-post-mo we can barely stand it, or ironically pretend to stand it.

At any rate, we assure you this won't happen again, but in the meantime, our Foreign Correspondent's report from Sacramento:

The Seduction of Young Master Garrett: If blogging wasn't over before, it certainly is now that Garrett M. Graff, the guy behind FishbowlDC (I have no idea what that is, Spiers, can you fll me in?) has obtained an actual press credential, that precious lubricant which allows him to penetrate the inner membrane of the White House press corp. The occasion was momentous enough to warrant a segment on NPR, which is where I first heard of it while pounding my fists into the dashboard of my car in the midst of my daily bout of road rage.

The first posts to spew forth from deep inside the White House mostly detail how boring a daily press gaggle really is. All those snarky pool reports that Wonkette intercepts and posts for the whole wide world to see, the ones that make the press room seem like the offices at Saturday Night Live in the 70s? Total bullshit. Our intrepid blogger barely made it through his first day without passing out from boredom. The press briefings are apparently even worse, as young master Garrett describes being stunned by "the uselessness of many of the exchanges." But it was the private meeting with McClellan himself that went overlooked by the media. Thankfully Garrett was live-blogging the encounter in the screenplay format, as he later told friends he has no recollection of these events.

INT. WEST WING - MIDDAY

    MR. McCLELLAN

  Would you mind walking ahead of

  me to the office.  I feel

  funny about coming into a dark

  office.

   GARRETT

  But it's light in there now.

MR. McCLELLAN
Please.

Garrett turns and walks down the hall. They enter office.

MR. McCLELLAN
What do you drink? Bourbon?

GARRETT
Look - I covered your briefing. I was
glad to do it. But I have some
things on my mind. Can you
understand that?

He nods.

GARRETT
All right then.

MR. McCLELLAN
What do you drink?

He looks at him.

MR. McCLELLAN
Garrett - I'm sorry to be this
way, but I don't want to be
alone in this office.

GARRETT
Why not?

MR. McCLELLAN
Please wait till the POTUS gets back.
That's what I call him, I came up with
that, do you like it?

GARRETT
When is he coming back?

MR. McCLELLAN
I don't know.

He pours himself a drink.

MR. McCLELLAN
Drink?

GARRETT
No.

He hands him a drink. There is a pause.

GARRETT
Are you always this much afraid
of being alone?

MR. McCLELLAN
Yes.

GARRETT
Well, why can't you just lock
the doors?

MR. McCLELLAN
I'm very neurotic.

He turns on the phonograph. (Yes, a phonograph.) SOUND of PHONOGRAPH.

MR. McCLELLAN
May I ask you a question?

Garrett looks at her.

MR. McCLELLAN
What do you think of me?

GARRETT
What do you mean?

MR. McCLELLAN
You've watched me on the TV nearly all of
your professional life. You must have
formed some opinion.

GARRETT
Well - I've always thought
that you seemed like a very - nice -
person. At least on TV.

MR. McCLELLAN
Did you know I was an alcoholic?

GARRETT
What?

MR. McCLELLAN
Did you know that?

GARRETT
Look - I think I should be
going -

MR. McCLELLAN
Sit down, Garrett.

GARRETT
Mr. McClellan - if you don't
mind my saying so - this
conversation is getting a
little strange. Now I'm sure
that the President will be here
any minute and -

MR. McCLELLAN
No.

GARRETT
What?

MR. McCLELLAN
The POTUS (he pauses and chuckles
to himself) will be back quite late.

They look at each other. Garrett is half standing.

MR. McCLELLAN
He should be gone for several
hours.

He takes a step toward him. He puts his hand up and
retreats around the other side of the chair.

GARRETT
Oh my God.

MR. McCLELLAN
Pardon?

GARRETT
Oh no, Mr. McClellan, oh no.

MR. McCLELLAN
What's wrong?

GARRETT
Mr. McClellan, you didn't -
I mean you didn't expect -

MR. McCLELLAN
What?

GARRETT
I mean - you didn't really
think that I would do something
like that.

MR. McCLELLAN
Like what?

GARRETT
What do you think?

MR. McCLELLAN
Well I don't know.

GARRETT
For God's sake, Mr. McClellan,
here we are, you've got me into
your office. You give me a
drink. You put on music, now
you start opening up your
personal life to me and tell
me the President won't be here
for hours.

MR. McCLELLAN
So?

GARRETT
Mr. McClellan - you are trying
to seduce me.

There is a pause. He looks at him.

GARRETT
(weaker)
Aren't you?

MR. McCLELLAN
Why no. I hadn't thought of it.
I feel rather flattered that
you -

GARRETT
Mr. McClellan, will you forgive
me for what I just said?

MR. McCLELLAN
It's all right.

GARRETT
It's not all right, it's the
worst thing I've ever said
to anyone.

MR. McCLELLAN
Sit down.

GARRETT
Please forgive me. Because I
like you. I don't think of you
that way. But I'm mixed up. The
press gaggle, and the briefing,
I mean I'm the first blogger to…
it's all so much to process…

MR. McCLELLAN
All right. Now finish your drink.

GARRETT
Mr. McClellan, it makes me sick
that I said that to you.

MR. McCLELLAN
We'll forget it right now.
Finish your drink.

GARRETT
What is wrong with me?

MR. McCLELLAN
Have you ever seen Helen Thomas's
portrait?

GARRETT
Her portrait?

MR. McCLELLAN
Yes.

GARRETT
No.

MR. McCLELLAN
We had it done last Christmas.
Would you like to see it?

GARRETT
Very much.

We move with Mr. McClellan and Garrett out of the office,
into the hall, up the stairs and along the hall to
the doorway of the Oval Office.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - MIDDAY

Garrett moves into the Oval Office and looks up at the portrait.

GARRETT
Helen Thomas certainly is an
attractive lady. For her age.

In the b.g. Mrs. Robinson watches him.

GARRETT
(looking at the
portrait)
I don't remember her as having
brown eyes.

MR. McCLELLAN
Garrett?

GARRETT
Yes?

MR. McCLELLAN
Will you be my go-to guy?

He steps back.

MR. McCLELLAN
With Gannon gone, I need a new one.

GARRETT
Oh. Well, goodnight.

MR. McCLELLAN
Won't you be my go-to guy? You know,
in case John King is throwing hardballs?

GARRETT
I'd rather not, Mr. McClellan.

MR. McCLELLAN
If you still think I'm trying
to seduce you -

GARRETT
No, I don't. But I just feel
a little funny.

MR. McCLELLAN
Garrett - you've watched me on TV for years.

GARRETT
I know that. But I'm -

MR. McCLELLAN
Come on.

He turns his back.

MR. McCLELLAN
Help me with my tie, it's hard for me to reach.

Garrett reaches forward.

MR. McCLELLAN
Thank you.

GARRETT
Right.

Garrett walks toward the door.

MR. McCLELLAN
What are you so scared of?

GARRETT
I'm not scared, Mr. McClellan.

MR. McCLELLAN
Then why do you keep running
away?

GARRETT
Because the President will be back soon. I
don't think I should be up here.

Mr. McClellan lets his business suit fall to the floor.

MR. McCLELLAN
Haven't you ever seen anybody
in a slip before?

GARRETT
Yes, I have -

He looks up at the portrait of Helen Thomas.

GARRETT
But I just - Look - what if the President
walked in right now?

MR. McCLELLAN
What if he did?

GARRETT
Well, it would look pretty
funny, wouldn't it?

MR. McCLELLAN
Don't you think he trusts us
together?

GARRETT
Of course he does. But he
might get the wrong idea.
Anyone might.

MR. McCLELLAN
I don't see why. I'm twice as
old as you are. How could
anyone think -

GARRETT
But they would! Don't you see?

MR. McCLELLAN
Garrett - I'm not trying to
seduce you. I wish you'd -

GARRETT
I know that. But please, Mr.
McClellan. This is difficult
for me.

MR. McCLELLAN
Why is it?

GARRETT
Because I am confused about
things. I can't tell what
I'm imagining. I can't tell
what's real. I can't -

MR. McCLELLAN
Would you like me to seduce you?

GARRETT
What?

MR. McCLELLAN
Is that what you're trying to
tell me?

GARRETT
I'm going home now. I apologize
for what I said. I hope you can
forget it. But I'm going home
right now.

Garrett walks out of the door and down the hall. The
CAMERA PUSHES with him to the door. We see the entire
stairway and part of the downstairs hall. Garrett gets to
the stairs and starts down.

MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE
GARRETT

GARRETT
Yes.

MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE
Will you bring up my notes before
you go?

GARRETT
I have to go now. I'm sorry.

Mr. McClellan walks into the hall. His back is to us.
He is holding his business suit in front of him.

MR. McCLELLAN
I really don't want to put this
on again. Won't you bring it
up?

GARRETT
Where is it?

MR. McCLELLAN
On that chair by the podium.

He walks out of the shot.

GARRETT
Mr. McClellan?

MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE
I'm in the bathroom.

GARRETT
Well here are the notes.

MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE
Could you bring them up?

GARRETT
Well I'll hand it to you.

Garrett starts back up the stairs.

GARRETT
Come to the railing and I'll
hand them up.

MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE
Garrett - I am getting pretty
tired of all this suspicion.
Now if you won't do me a simple
favor I don't know what.

Garrett appears as he slowly climbs the stairs.

GARRETT
I'm putting them on the top step.

MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE
For God's sake, Garrett, will
you stop acting that way and
bring me the notes?

Garrett gets to the top of the stairs, and starts slowly
down the hall.

GARRETT
I'm putting it here by the door.

MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE
Will you bring it in to me?

GARRETT
I'd rather not.

MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE
All right. Put it in the Oval Office
where we were.

GARRETT
Right.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - MIDDAY

Garrett walks quickly into the Oval Office, crosses to the
desk and puts the ntoes down. As he starts to turn
back, he looks up at Helen Thomas's portrait. There is a
movement reflected in the glass of the portrait. He
turns quickly. Mr. McClellan, naked, is shutting the
door to the Oval Office behind him.

GARRETT
Oh God.

He smiles.

GARRETT
Let me out.

He turns the lock on the door.

MR. McCLELLAN
Don't be nervous.

GARRETT
Get away from that door.

MR. McCLELLAN
I want to say something first.

GARRETT
Jesus Christ!

MR. McCLELLAN
Garrett - I want you to know
I'm available to you. If you
won't be my go-to guy now -

GARRETT
Oh my God.

MR. McCLELLAN
If you won't be my go-to guy this
time, Garrett, I want you to
know you can call me up any
time you want and we'll make
some kind of arrangement.
The kind I had with Gannon.

GARRETT
Let me out!

MR. McCLELLAN
Do you understand what I said?

GARRETT
Yes. Yes. Let me out!

MR. McCLELLAN
Because I find the whole blogging
thing very useful and attractive and any time -

There is the SOUND of a HELICOPTER in the WEST LAWN outside.
Garrett leaps at the door, pushes Mr. McClellan aside,
struggles with the door, gets the door open, runs into
the hall and down the stairs.